Sex After Dementia

[xchrom]

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/06/sex-after-dementia/276489/



Earlier this year, a sex worker in Sydney, Australia -- I'll call her Emma -- got a call from a woman whose 93-year-old father was confined to a nursing home with dementia.

"You could tell in her voice that she was really nervous. But you could also tell that she knew what she wanted for her dad," Emma said. He missed the intimacy of sex.

Emma works a day job in elderly care, but she has also been a sex worker specializing in working with people with disabilities, including dementia, for 30 years.

This nursing home resident had been an "openly sexual" person in his later life and had now asked his daughter to find him a woman. The nursing home staff was supportive, welcoming Emma into the facility and assisting her to move the elderly man into a comfortable position.

[Bay Boy]

1. Not many daughters would do that

for their father. Not many sons either.

[xchrom]

2. there's a taboo factor at work here. nt

[Bay Boy]

4. Incest by proxy? n/t

[DreamGypsy]

3. People with disabilities may and often do maintain an interest in sex...

...and I think it is important to think of dementia as a disability - one with unique characteristics and challenges - but a disability nonetheless. (My father died after several years in care facilities for dementia. My brother, age 66, is now in such a facility.)

I thought the article was a very well written, thoughtful, and thorough discussion. Thanks for the post, xchrom!

One thing that caught my eye specifically was this:

Bauer suggests that staff need to look for non-verbal cues such as facial expressions and other body language to identify whether a resident is comfortable and wants to be with someone. "The staff need to take in a whole range of factors about the person, the sort of person they are now and were and the behaviors at this point in time with dementia. Behaviors can also fluctuate from moment to moment," he said.

Saul Isbister, a sex worker and president of Touching Base, a non-profit organization that helps people like Emma connect with disabled clients, has mentioned that memory loss can be a concern. "We have had cases where people have forgotten that they've been visited by the sex worker, and they feel like the staff are lying to them," he said.

In one case, a token system was set up for the client, where a sex worker would leave the resident a token as proof of the encounter.

The Touching Base website is interesting. Their introductory statement is this:

Touching Base Inc is a charitable institution, based in Sydney Australia, that has been active since October 2000. Touching Base developed out of the need to assist people with disability and sex workers to connect with each other, focusing on access, discrimination, human rights and legal issues and the attitudinal barriers that these two marginalized communities can face.

The site includes a number "success stories" provided by clients, ie. disabled persons in this situation. One story was of a 22 year old woman with cerebral palsy in a small town. Her mother helped her through the process. I found the final remarks in her story very moving:

"I would really like to be in a relationship eventually and while I am content with a professional person for now, I will feel better if I know what it’s all about, when I do find someone. I don’t want to settle for the first person who comes along because I don’t know any better."

Her story made blatantly obvious the importance providing this kind of care to those with mental disabilities as well, when appropriate. Taboos should not interfere with sons and daughters, sisters and brothers, doing what is possible to better the life of a demented person in their care. The patient will not feel shame, social mores do not really apply, resources like Touching Base are available to help with the process.

[bemildred]

5. There is nothing more demented than a old man in the grip of sexual frenzy, trust me.

(Go ahead, sort that one out ...)


But seriously, I think we need to get over ourselves about sex, and grooming, and touching, and all that stuff, we are big apes, it's one of our main ways to feel good and get along with each other, and if makes some old person of either gender feel better to get a bit of effective physical affection now and then, what of it?

[Warpy]

6. It's amazing how prudish nursing homes are

with both sexes turning into sexless objects on admission. When a romance does blossom between clients, staff often overreacts and flips out like it's a 12 year old daughter who is in grave danger of getting knocked up.

I would much rather see prostitution legalized and regulated and any disabled adult being entitled to the services of a pro whenever necessary.

Sex work is dirty and dangerous and should be made less so. I've always thought that good sex workers were worth their weight in gold for allowing men the release of acting out fantasies their wives aren't interested in and providing a sexual outlet for both travelers and the disabled.

I really hate this country's entrenched prudery. It serves no one well and does damage to young and old, alike.

[bemildred]

7. Yeah, but you can see why, they are afraid somebody will see "something" and freak out.

And they can be sued, they can be prosecuted, they can be harassed, and who knows WTF it would really be for? It's just easier to keep the old people under control, and they have no power. If I was working in an elder-care facility I'd probably being doing it myself.

So what you have is institutions theoretically run for the benefit of the inmates that in fact are run like prisons whose primary purpose is to keep the inmates under control. And that sounds depressingly familiar.

[xchrom]

9. +1

[CanSocDem]

8. "Sex" in the USA is...

...mostly illegal, immoral, unhealthy, inappropriate or unsatisfying. Just having sex could be a sign of dementia.

.