I'll be damned if I tell people I had a "slip" but I think I need to go to a meeting.

[Maraya1969]

I hate all this time shit and that was one of the reasons I quit AA in the first place.

But I have been drinking like a fucking normal person for months except for now it is 7:30 in the fucking morning and that bottle of wine is calling me from the fucking refrigerator. The most I have drank in a day is 3 glasses of wine. But I do notice that I want more than one now after buying it, (first I would only have one drink if I was at a restaurant)

I was sober and in AA for fucking 30 years! That is enough to drive a person out of their mind. The constant "we're all sick" shit was making me sick! So I stopped going about 5 years ago.

I still hate AA but I know I need to go to a meeting and I just texted my friend about it. The thought that this shit could creep up on me is disgusting. I do think that if I had been practicing my spiritual self more that this would have never happened and it will probably go away once I get into a good meditation practice again.

And I take my fucking medicine the way I am supposed to. Because I just took a Klonopin and the craving is gone now. And don't tell me that Klonopin is just alcohol in a pill form because I have been taking it or another benzo for 35 years, I have panic disorder and bipolar disorder and OCD and God damned PTSD.

I've also been manic for the last several weeks which could explain a lot. (and explain this post......I fucking know!!!!!) There is just not enough medicine in the world to keep me down.

OK I am lying. I will take that fucking Saphris that I hate so much

OK I took it. Now I will probably end up going to sleep and I don't want to.

Thank you for letting me post in this fucking forum.

Maybe if I just took my damn medicine I wouldn't be in this situation. I fucking hate bipolar disease also. I have a criminal record from being bare assed sober from it. And my doctor told me a long time ago that if they got my moods straightened out I would not drink like an alcoholic. And my mood has not been straight in weeks.

I hate everyone.

[MichaelSoE]

1. i slipped 21 years ago

what i remind myself is that alcoholism is a physical disease. so no matter how great i feel emotionally, psychologically, etc. my body will not tolerate alcohol and once i introduce it to my system the physical addiction cycle kicks in again.

i hope you do what is best for you even if you don't like the medicine or treatment.

[NMDemDist2]

2. ....

that is all.

[Maraya1969]

3. Thanks.

[ismnotwasm]

4. I hope no one besides your Doctor

Is giving you medical advice. Because if they are, they're full of shit and not qualified.

That being said, I love AA, but I had to mark my spot, I'm an agnostic, a feminist and very outspoken.

I didn't sober up 'to clean up' and stop swearing either. I came from the street and even though that was long ago and far away now, those are the people that resonate the most with me.

As far as that "we're all sick"--once that becomes an excuse for bad behavior, it's bullshit.

I hope you're feeling better.

[Maraya1969]

5. Thanks. I appreciate your support.

[Stuart G]

6. Great Point...We got to mark our spots...

AA allows that. My spot is over here, and others are over there. I respect you, you respect me.
... We need to find spots that make us feel comfortable. I go to an OA meeting, (Overeaters Anonymous) that usually has two or three people. Very kind and comfortable for me. Lots of comfort and help. I go to other meetings and of course AA too. So, some are ok, and some are not. Good luck.. great point... ismnotwasm...thank you.
Good Luck,.. Maraya1969
......... ..Stuart

[ismnotwasm]

7. Exactly

[tavalon]

8. And I love you

I don't know you and you don't know me but we struggle with our addictions and they do creep up. You having bipolar makes it a 1000 times harder on you. And yeah, AA can be a bit preachy. But the other disease, alcoholism is back and it's time to do what you know you need to do. Alcoholics live or die by the bottle, that damn bottle.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. My co-madre has bipolar and addictive issues so I see everyday what she goes through. I feel nothing but respect for her. And I hold hope for you.

If you can, be kind to yourself, as you've been given a very hard double slam.

[Maraya1969]

9. Wow Travalon. Thank you so much for those words to me.

It made me tear up.

[tavalon]

10. We're all in this together

I do have to say this is the kindest (and most honest) area of DU. Too bad we don't have as much compassion over in the mud pit, eh?

I see your original post was a bit ago. I hope the beasts have given you a rest or that you have taken them down again.

[Maraya1969]

11. Yea I'm doing fine now. I realize now that I was very manic during that time

I now realize that I have to keep a much closer watch on my sleep, mood and behavior. Thanks so much for caring. The wine was really not the problem because I kind of just stopped that. It was my mood and going nuts. My body just speeds up for some reason. I don't need sleep, my thoughts are very fast, my movements are fast and I start not making sense and also get full of rage. In the past I've spent money on stupid things. It used to be if I bought something outrageous my mother would say to me, "Are you taking your medication?"

Life!

[tavalon]

12. Even though that's all true with bipolar

doesn't it just burn you when people say things like, "Are you taking your medication?", it seems so similar to "Are you on your period.", with all of it's dismissive connotations.

My Co-madre takes her medications in a way that works for her. The way the medical establishment wants her to take them (and the way I did when I was a neophyte) isn't right for her. Bipolar isn't a one size fits all problem. But I watch her watching her moods, making sure she gets sleep, and generally taking care of herself. This took years and many times in a hospital (not a place to get better). I have such great respect for her that I wouldn't ask such a question. I will ask, if she's in a mixed state, are you planning to commit suicide? I used to shy from asking that, but she knows if I'm asking, there's something I'm seeing and she answers seriously and honestly.

Would that I could handle my difficulties with as much dignity as she does.

I'm glad you are feeling better.