I'm really hoping I have turned the corner...

[FirstLight]

Been in a RUT for a LOOOOONG time....
After losing my favorite job at the end of 2018 and being on & off disability ever since, add in a car accident and some awesome autoimmune disease... no question I have been depressed off the charts.

The last month has been just the darkest of the dark...middle of winter also doesnt help because I cant get outside and get the sun. Not to mention I hate the snow and the beach is my happy place.

I knew I had been also self-medicating more and more with alcohol. And that just makes everything worse... the pain in the body, the mood, the self loathing...yeah, everything. I was at least not drinking in the daytime, only at night "to help me sleep" = pass out. But your resistance builds up and you end up drinking more than you would expect...

So a funny thing happened. I got grounded in a way... my car is immobile until I can get some major funds and fix things. As a result, I no longer had freedom to go buy booze whenever. So i would run out between trips to the grocery store with friends and then have a few days of forced sobriety.

Lo and behold, I felt better.
I actually admitted to my daughter I was struggling with it. (both my kids know I like a cocktail, but me actually saying "Im trying to stop" is a big admission) And she gave me support, but in a non-expecting way. Just told me to be gentle with myself and let her know if I needed to talk.
That was the only person I told. Until the other day I broke down and told my best friend, who I also like to drink with. She told me she's not gonna be a parent and tell me no, that only I can shift it. (And we hung out last night and she got shitfaced and I only had one beer and 2 shots...what???)

Well I have gotten things done this week that I have put off for months. I got through some cleaning projects than have definitely kept me depressed as well.
I am sincerely hoping that I can continue the uphill swing.
I don't like AA, because it's the always in recovery idea, like you are never "done"... but I *will* take it a moment at a time and try to think about how much better I feel when I want to try and numb those 'whatever' feelings.

I posted this here instead of addiction & recovery cuz I have ALWAYS suffered from depression since I was a teen and didn't really get help for it till my late 20's
Im 50 now and the drinking thing has really been a recent way to hide from the things I ALREADY know from years of therapy etc.
It just goes to show we are a constant work in progress.
And LOVE of SELF is never easy...but it IS worth fighting for

thanks for letting me share...

[KarenS]

1. Sending you a ((Hug)).

[Bernardo de La Paz]

2. Strong and stronger. . . . nt

[RainCaster]

3. The daylight gets longer every day...

Many of us (yeah, I'm in that group) struggle with depression, and I'm so glad that the sun is going down later now. I've been a bit more positive about my year+ of unemployment and how I will come out of that. Things are looking up- we have an amazing government now, and they have a HUGE cluster fork to undo, but they are.

So laugh at the stupidity of the MAGA folks, the self-destructive nature of mainstream Republicans, and the whacko world of the FR media. Enjoy your critters while locked up at home, they are your life support system. Hug them, brush them and spoil them a little more. Reach out to old friends on line and by phone, they are lonely too. Look through your bookshelves for an old favorite and enjoy it again.

You are worth all of the joy you crave.

[FirstLight]

4. exactly...

I look back on my journals as a teen and SEE direct correlation to Seasonal Depression. It's no joke!

Just having those sunny days between storms is a respite and I too, am noticing the creeping of twilight to later times! YAY!!!!
(ironically, I am born in the dead of winter Jan 1st, and I hate it! lol)

Also damn grateful we have a wroking govt again, and pray for the return of the sanity on a daily basis

You are worth it all as well, friend!

[hamsterjill]

33. Great post.

I’m also coming up on a year of being unemployed. Some days are hard.

[blue sky at night]

5. Great to hear....

Funny how just getting project off your list Makes you feel so much better… Heard a report on NPR today about how procrastination is not all about not doing the work it’s a way of not dealing with emotions as well. Good luck going forward!

[Jetheels]

14. Omg that makes so much sense.....so we're procrastinating feeling, not just the work/ project.

[FirstLight]

15. yeah....hits the nail on the head for me too!

I will definitely take that into meditation when I hit a block on the projects around here

[blue sky at night]

30. ha ha...

so clever but in case you want to have the whole idea...


https://wusfnews.wusf.usf.edu/2021-02-06/life-kit-how-to-fight-procrastination

[blue sky at night]

29. Sorry I couldn't do justice while waiting on my pizza...

So here is the link, make fun all day but at least you will have the whole talk...


https://wusfnews.wusf.usf.edu/2021-02-06/life-kit-how-to-fight-procrastination

[cwydro]

35. Thanks for posting this.

My worst vice.

[Throckmorton]

6. You have survived 100% of your worst days.

Daylight is growing everyday.

You are worth the effort, and sobriety does make me feel so much better.

Keep the faith,

Throckmorton

[yonder]

7. "LOVE of SELF is never easy...but it IS worth fighting for"

Rings true for many of us.

Thanks for the post and much peace for yourself.

[MLAA]

8. 💖💖

[Karadeniz]

9. Sounds like you've seen the light! Exercise... Getting out of the house... Accomplishing items on

The to-do list...and you've figured it all out yourself! You're a winner!!!

[msongs]

10. get yourself in some support groups for alcohol and depression (31 yrs sober here)

I use AA but I ignore all that religion peddling/god stuff and just take what I can use. being around others in a similar situation is a help to me. dont do it as much after all these yrs but did a lot in the beginning.

good luck to you

[FirstLight]

11. Lucky enough I actually have a weekly therapist and a women's group

so yeah, I havent shared the whole of it all yet with group... but my therapist knows

[niyad]

12. Sending hugggggs and vibes for healing and strength. Remember that your DU family is here

for you.

[grantcart]

13. Good luck

[pnwmom]

16. Your daughter's reaction seems perfect -- which tells me a lot

about the kind of parent you have been.

Wishing you health and peace in the days ahead.

[FirstLight]

18. yeah,

she's 19 and an amazing young woman... I have a hard time taking credit

[FakeNoose]

17. That's great news - you can do this!

[Alpeduez21]

19. Depression addict and alcoholic here.

29 years 3 months and 13 days clean. The thing that helps me frame my day is: You can't think yourself into right acting but you can act yourself into right thinking.

Just do the next right thing. That could cleaning the kitchen, taking a nap or eating a sleeve of cookies.

Always remember sometimes you're the windshield sometimes your the bug. It's nothing personal it's life.

[FirstLight]

20. good for you! *hugs*

Thanks...those are some great quotes...gonna put 'em on the fridge and bathroom mirror


also...the "do the next right thing"...my therapist always says we check in, with what I know NOWm I choose....then, with what I know NOW, I choose.... every moment we can remember to choose and check in to our center like that

[Alpeduez21]

24. The brave honesty of your OP

was inspiring. Thank you for your openness.

[BobTheSubgenius]

21. I love the hopeful tone of your post. Right where it should be, emotionally...

...at least, to my way of thinking. Not self-hating, not cheery and leaving people wondering how you could be so happy, and...

Well, just right, if you ask me.

My father was a very high-functioning alcoholic, but never to the point that his/our life blew up. He didn't even drink semi-constantly, but man, could he drink when he felt it was time.

I have had issues at times, but in my more formative years, I was far more of a drug enthusiast. Imagine my surprise when I took stock one day, did some reading, and realized I was drinking 4 times as much as Nat'l Inst. of Alchol, etc said was already problematic. When I had it in the house, I had to have some. When I had to have some, I had to have more. You see the syndrome emerging.

But, like you, I just stopped. I was stunned at how easy it was. For me. I am in NO WAY saying that it should be easy for anyone and everyone. Well, it "SHOULD", but it won't.

I would be very happy to know how you're doing, if you ever feel the urge, or even just the emotional capability to update us. I, for one, am pulling for you, hard.

[FirstLight]

27. I haven't just *stopped* by any means either...

Just being way more careful... and realizing that drinking to get drunk or go to sleep was not in ANY way helping all my other issues....

I'm still just working on rationing myself.
Tonight I *did* buy a 6 pack, but have no intention of drinking the whole thing... two is my limit then water and melatonin.
I also bought a weird flavor that I dont really like, so it's a "turn-off" to keep drinking it...lol

Im just trying to find little ways to contiinue to pcysh out my ego and addictive personality to get the upper hand. and having days where I feel physically better and can accomplish things are also a really big motivator... I got shit to DO! I don't have tome to keep up this wallowing

(and when I *do* decide to have a good wallow, let it be for a day and not a week or a month or year...right?)

:hugs:

[OneBlueSky]

22. Thanks for sharing . . . hope it helped some . . . good luck and God bless! :) . . . n/t

[SheltieLover]

23. Yaaaaaay!

Congrats to you!!!!!

[OldBaldy1701E]

25. I am glad things are looking up for you (n/t)

[c-rational]

26. Good for you FirstLight. Also, never have regrets, they do not help. So be easy with yourself per

your wonderful daughter, and keep up the cleaning.

[calimary]

28. Thanks for letting us in, FirstLight!

It takes great courage to take a leadership position like this. Becoming your own leader, really.

What I really liked seeing in your essay was your reporting about all these little victories you started collecting! Pearl-by-pearl, and soon you have a necklace!

So proud of all your forward moves! That’s a tremendous accomplishment. And where it really counts, it’s the same as with making love. Size really doesn’t matter.

[FirstLight]

32. Being my own advocate hasnt been easy for sure

and today I got to wake up feeling "normal" yeah I got my aches and such, but I also know that some of that is from walking and movement so I know it's part of healing.

You know I think so much of the time we are taught to believe that healing means everything is FINE... healing hurts...sometimes healing means actually allowing yourself to expreience discomfort, knowing that you will eventually feel better on the other side... and the "other side" is even a misnomer because it's ALL a freaking process and we go back & forth all the time.

My therapist says she's gotten to the point where she even takes 5 minutes at a time now...she's older and has lots of arthritis pain, so she says even 5 mins where she is feeling pretty good gives her strength to go the next 5 minutes...

thanks for my DU Fam for being here...

[Freedomofspeech]

31. Sending you love and peace...

You are certainly not alone.

[FirstLight]

34. update...yeah, I had a couple "down" days

But after knuckling through the pain I am back on the other side again.
Wow, I can REALLY tell when I put toxic stuff in my body how much it makes my joints and everything hurt!

Back onto getting used to normal sleep times and waking and activity...

It's such a process and yet I am feeling like even sliding backwards for a day or two reminds me how much I feel better when I get back on track and drink water, walk, etc

[FirstLight]

36. having a rough week

Been stuck at home for weeks and at the mercy of "friends" to get to the store etc. (car not driveable, uber costs an arm and a leg)

Ran out of my antidepressants a few days ago and nobody will help me get to the store to get the scrip... cant sleep, melatonin is giving me nightmares (the kind that even when you wake up you go right back into)

Broke and lonely, jus feeling awful about myself even though I know it's just the lack of medicine

dont know how to feel better... tried warm milk tonight and some lavender


gonna call the dr tomorrow and ask if there is some kind of social service to hepp me get my damn medicine... cus ive been in tears way too easily for the last 3 days

[cwydro]

37. Not sure where you live, but most counties have transportation programs.

They’ll take you shopping, work, anywhere.

Also, many pharmacies deliver for free.

[FirstLight]

38. nope...way rural mountain town

I got it handled, posted in the "locals" FB group and found a friend of a fried who helped...

BUT i also see we have NO real coalition like that so I put a call out to my former church to see of we could do something

trying to make a positive out of a negative experience