Is the upcoming "Father's Day" bringing anyone else tremendous feelings of grief/guilt?
Excessive loyalty, perhaps?
What I am about to post might be considered taboo in some circles...which is precisely what a taboo is all about! To think that unthinkable thought...let alone - actually TALK about it!
Don't know how this is going to fly here, but I struggle with this *holiday* and well, fyi, here 'tis - one of the best things I have ever run across if you were a child of abuse growing up and struggle with feelings of guilt, loyalty and obligation insomuch as the upcoming *Father's Day* (or even *Mother's Day) is concerned:
Source: http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=93969.0;prev_next=next
Poster by the name of: "fleur d'argent"
Some thoughts on a taboo we are all dealing with
« on: April 30, 2009, 10:45:38 AM »
There is a rule that one should always love their parents, never abandon them. To not love or honor your parents is taboo in society. No matter what your parents did to you, "they are your parents!" This is not how real relationships work. There should not be this one-sided power. Are there any other relationships in which one party possesses instant and expected approval, a never-ending get-out-of-jail-free card? Where one party in the relationship is always right and should always be loved and respected, regardless? There is no requirement on the parents for proper behavior, because the children (even as adults) are always expected and required to love and honor them. No matter what has happened people will say, "But they are your parents!" as though the "title" of parent should come with automatic rights and entitlements.
The only similar relationship I can think of is that of the clergy. The word "priest" automatically came with certain requirements of respect, and you can see where that got us. Just because a person holds a certain title does not mean that their behavior is infallible and should never be questioned. It should not guarantee blind obedience, love, and respect.
If the taboo were lifted and parents were not given this entitlement to love and respect regardless of behavior then the relationship would be more equal, like all other relationships. It would result in far better parenting, if the parents knew they were not "owed" and entitled to love and respect from their children for the rest of their lives. Parents emotionally and physically abuse children every day, believing they are "above the law" in their eyes, because children are never expected to defect. If it were more mainstream and normalized for children to defect, instead of taboo, and new parents saw say 50% of children defecting, the "rights" and entitlements of parents would change. The defecting children would, at the age of 18, when they could live on their own, say, "You did a crappy job. You thought only of your own needs and not mine. You emotionally abused me when I was a child and I was weaker than you. Therefore, I am now 18, able to get a job and move out, and I am not going to continue to be in relationship with you, because with anyone who treated me like that, I would not continue the relationship." If parents saw that their title alone did not guarantee them a lifetime of love from their children, they would treat their children with more love and respect while raising them. If you were a parent raising a child, you would think, "I have a small person to raise for 18 years. I will endeavor to treat this person with love and respect so that when they are 18 and do not depend on me anymore, they will want to continue a relationship with me." This is in stark contrast to today's parental viewpoint: "This child is mine; I will raise it how I so choose. This child owes me and is required to love and respect me for all of its life. I can treat it however I please, because children must always love and respect their parent, no matter what. When it is 18 it will owe me a lifetime of respect and care, because I hold the title of parent, and to not do so this child would be looked down upon and shunned by society."
If the taboo against ever leaving the relationship with one's parents were not in place, parents would try harder to do a better job of raising their children respectfully and with love. The parent would need to earn love and respect from their children, instead of being entitled to it simply due to their title. Why should a relationship between a parent and child not be like any other relationship, with an expectation of loving and respectful behavior on both parties? If the taboo were to end, children's treatment at the hands of their parents would improve, as parents would not be "owed" a lifetime of love and relationship with their children. Mistreated children would defect, and friends and neighbors would know that the parents had treated the children poorly. Parents would be held to the same standards of behavior as in any other relationship, and this unbalanced, entitlement-minded, one-sided relationship would end.
For what it's worth ya'll. The most important word that I walk away from: DEFECT.
= new reply since forum marked as read
kids have been saying fuck you and leaving home forever. that is why we have armies and navies.
the sad fact is that most parents do the best they can and for a lot of us, that is not much. we struggle with our own lives, in many cases our own illnesses. and we hope that our kids will do well and love us anyway.
i think a part of the breaking away process is to stop seeing our parents as the outsized beings they were when we were little, and start seeing them as the human beings that they are.
i had to get over a father that was an alcoholic. i always kind of pitied him, and saved my anger for my mother. the parent that didn't save me. i think i was in my 30's before i started thinking about what life was like for her.
i don't remember who said this first- i am all flaws, held together by good intentions. i think that is most parents. for the children of the true monsters out there, there is probably little escape. but for the children of the ordinary fucked up people, forgiveness for being a fucked up person can be a start.
do it for yourself.
