My depression is ramping up.

[I_UndergroundPanther]

My ptsd symptoms are getting worse. I do not want to live anymore if this whole country becomes a republican autocracy. But I will fight as hard as I can and take as many of the trash as I can to their graves with me.

I am losing hope. I fear for the future. Trump is gonna get away and dark money is greasing the skids into a very dark future.
It's scary so many narcissistic monsters are cheering autocrats as we all slide down into the pit. I wish Biden would get some prosecutions going and get some oligarchies in jail. Wish he could do something effective to make it stop.Find who funds republicans, out their sources , expose the agendas of think tanks and funders. I know he can't do that. Well the republicans could care less about laws.Dont give me the higher ground and all that shit.

There is a breakdown in this country,we have a fatally flawed constitution and we are becoming lawless because of it. This coup has been happening for decades. I feel so helpless to stop it. So alone. Republicans rig the vote yet no one arrests them for it. They just tie up the courts and stack the courts so nothing gets done about it.They are doing crimes in broad daylight and getting away with it. Republicans have declared war against this country and the Dems as far as I can tell are still acting like its no big deal they seem so ineffective. When are the kid gloves gonna come off? When will the denial break? When will they be made to pay for what they've done.When will these fuckers ever be put in Jail?

My therapist gets miffed if I tell her why republicans are the problem and say that they are traitors, she tsks tsks me. It pisses me off. I let her have it with both barrels after she does that shit its disrespectful.. I asked her outright if she votes republican or supports them.She evades the question. I tell her that knowing that answer is vital to me working with her. I can't trust her unless I know where she stands.

The program I go to requires I get therapy at the program. If they hire a trauma therapist I will demand I am her client. But until then I know which staff are republican and I just get so disgusted with them,their arrogance is disgusting. One staff claimed masks were a personal choice while the program requires we mask up, I let her have it and told her why going maskless isNOT a personal choice and why.. But there are also some staff there like my social worker who is as liberal and aware as I am.I love her to death,and I trust her,more.

The stress of all this gets too much to bear sometimes. Most of the time I can't articulate it like I can now. I cannot stand republicans and I feel the stench wafting off the repug staff by subtle shit they say and how they treat people. I feel like I am breathing poison air around some of them. I really don't want to be polite to them or "respect their beliefs". I want to shred their beliefs and and expose them..for what they are. I wanna call them out on THEIR behavior. I know what I feel here its not just in my head,Other liberal clients mention it too. The pressure is bad.Then there is my upstairs neighbor with the kid banging.It triggers the shit out of my ptsd. been tolerating it but my anxiety is going nuts.Have nightmares again.My Psydoc just upped my prazosin. The vilagence is interfering with my sleep again.Been losing time.I feel trapped. Then there is Ukraine. It makes me feel petty for talking about this compared to what they are going through.Thanks for listening to me Y'all. BTW I watch the good shows like Don Lemon Ari etc. They help me feel safer by letting me know what's going on I would rather know than not know. A news blackout would be worse for me than watching.It's how my trauma works.

[sprinkleeninow]

1. I hear you. Even if one has moderately reasonable health, all what's taking place

individually and corporately has serious detrimental effect on a body.

I desire to stay vertical and be 'okay', but some days I just feel like I'll simply collapse.

But as you have expressed, here we are, it's not great but still not what the Ukrainian people are having to endure. This alone makes me sick inside each waking day.

I'll keep you in my heart for all goodness to be yours. You have that precious baby boy. Think on him! 💛

[spooky3]

2. Panther, I feel for you. Please hang in there. I would not be able

To work with a Repub. therapist. I hope we will all see better days soon.

[PurgedVoter]

3. I would not trust the therapist, if you can, find another. Find another clinic.

Hang in there. We need everyone who gets it. Please don't let events or Republicans win. I would go walking and singing. Breath control and exercise. Anything you can do to help yourself. Ask others who managed their PTSD what they did.

I don't think it is paranoid to distrust a Republican doctor or therapist.
Anyone with basic perception should be able to instantly see what MTG, Jim Jones and Trump are. It should take anyone with the ability to apply perception to psychological training no time at all to realize that Republican leadership is currently dangerous, criminal and insane. This is not a joke. It should be obvious. Anyone thinking might feel like they agree with some Republican views, but they would not choose sanity they disagree with, over raging destructive insanity. Anyone paying attention would see the obvious and start questioning all of their Republican views.

If a person does not immediately understand the need for a mask and chose on their own to wear one, a good one, and wear it correctly, they simply do not have a valid understanding of basic biology and health. They do not have basic compassion. They have no business in medicine. None. They do not belong. They should not be allowed to contact patients and they need to find other jobs since they do not have the basic understanding needed.

I have not even gotten into the empathy, integrity and compassion needed to practice in this field. Right now, anyone who cannot understand the need for a patient to be assured they are fundamentally against everything the current Republican party stands for should not be practicing in the field of psychology.

I don't want to ramp you up, but as you say a blackout is worse than not knowing. If a nurse refuses to wear a mask I expect the surgeon to kick them out of the operating room. It is as simple as that. We are in a pandemic and the evidence is that it is not going to be over soon.

[UpInArms]

4. I wish I had more to offer

But … I will send you my best strongest virtual hugs


(((((((((hugs)))))))))

Hang in there, dear I_UndergroundPanther

[njhoneybadger]

5. Strongly worded letters and calmly spoken logic are not working.

If we can't figure out a way to combat propaganda, it's over for this country. The monied aristocracy wins.

[SheltieLover]

6. Find another therapist!

I think to varying degrees, we are all feeling it, Panther!

We need to see some justice. That would perk you right up, I'm sure! Imagine tfg & coconspirators all suddenly being hauled off to gitmo! Unlikely, but it's a happy vision!

You are never alone, Panther. Your sweet Othello is with you & so are all of us!

[I_UndergroundPanther]

7. Thanks very much.

[SheltieLover]

12. Yw!

[I_UndergroundPanther]

8. The problem with the therapist issue

I go to a day program. Its my rock of sanity and I like the clients there,well most of them.

In my area the wait to even see a therapist in another program is around 9 months.

I have been to the other programs out here and they suck worse. One had clients I couldn't relate to that were stand offish and cliquish.

The other program in my area is run by a tyrant who has to control issues,she micromanages everything and she has flying monkeys that report back everything everyone does, to her.


I was kicked out this program over bullshit .
She asked,no insisted she wanted me to do a mural painting,my design she approved it. As I was painting it she found some nitpicky thing about it she had no issue with before,became verbally abusive about it screaming at me. After she vented her spleen at me, I wasn't going to tolerate that abusive shit, and told her told her how she was treating me was abusive and I ain't gonna tolerate that shit out of you.

She kicked me out for standing up for myself.
She did it in the most cowardly chicken shit way possible.

She hated I would stand up for clients who were mistreated by her. She was a fucking narcissist and the program director too.

So I'm never going back there again.

These are my choices.

The program I am at is the best I can do.
Not many therapists out here take medical assistance. The ones that do the wait list is many months.

They are looking to hire new therapists at my program. When they do hire I will make damn sure I am reassigned.

This is why I dont get another therapist.

[SheltieLover]

13. Report her to her state board! The one who kicked you out!

File a complaint on her!

I'm proud of you for not taking her bs!

[I_UndergroundPanther]

14. She's gone

Found out overheard she was stealing 100,000 bucks in funds meant for the program.. She's been locked up since and the program is being manages by a totally different company now.That place has too many bad memories..But this scam went really deep,into a peer run program out here. after the director's puppet left I found out when we were cleaning out her office some weird fucking shit,she was involved in a christian based nutrition supplement scam. And she had some weird obsession with me of all people.It was so fucked up.

And there was another incident at a program I was in out here in the 80's. The director who was there when I arrived was talking on the phone one day.As the song I was listening to ended..I was waiting in the lunch line leaning against the office window.The soon to be ex director was talking to some guy about wiring him 125,000 in program funds to the Dominican Republic.I only overheard this scheme because I still had my headphones on.The guy left the program the very next day after I heard this and the next day a new director was his replacement .She was from the Dominican Republic ironically.. I had a great therapist at the time.I told him what I heard from the director the day before he left.I told him my suspicions. He listened to me and said he had to report this. Told him I would be willing to write a statement or witness to what I heard if needed.


Meanwhile the staff who clustered around this new director tormented the fuck out of me,They threatened to kick me out of housing,the program etc. Total intimidation tactics.Such bullshit. Meanwhile the other staff were supportive of me but parsed their words around the director.One supportive staff wrote me a sweet poem I have to this day.
I have all the papers from this whole mess in my files.
Anyway the program was shut down. My therapist at the time put his ass on the line for me. FBI got involved. I was interviewed twice.
When the program shut down he decided to accept my medical assistance so I could see him privately. I had him as my therapist until he retired. I still think about him and wonder how he is or if he is still around.

I always seem to end up where corruption or abuse is occurring in psych settings.Don't know why. Sometimes it seems my life purpose is to stand up against shitty authority.

I have a lot of experiences in this vein going through the years.

[Maraya1969]

19. Good! I'm glad when the mean ones fall.

[hunter]

9. I'm very good at dissociation.

Especially regarding the PTSD.

But I don't recommend it.

[I_UndergroundPanther]

10. I dissociate just like breathing.

Then there is the switching out that makes knowing it's even happening even harder. Have dissociative identity. It all sucks mightily.

I have no clue what recovery from my illness would be, let alone knowing what it would mean or feel like.

[hunter]

11. Yep.

.

[OldBaldy1701E]

15. Mine is still very bad.

I wish I had something worthwhile to say to you. I don't. Just know you have others here who can identify with what you are going through and that I wish we all had relief for this.

[OldBaldy1701E]

16. How are you doing Panther?

I hope you are managing to hang in there. I have been doing the same although it gets tough sometimes. Let us know that you are conscious...

[I_UndergroundPanther]

17. I'm conscious.

I'm starting to hallucinate smells again for sure now. Yesterday I
walked into my art room and it smelled like I put my head inside a freshly used cat box.
I asked Othello did you pee in here? (he has never broke litter before)
He gave me the what the hell are you talking about hooman look.

So I went to get some natures miracle to clean it up.
I came back into my art room ,
and the smell was completely gone.

I dunno what it means.
All I know is I hope I don't get psychotic again.
I have no idea what could be causing it.
I take my meds everyday,
I do not need that kind of shit right now.
Psydoc increased my prazosin last time I saw him
So the nightmares are not an issue anymore

So yeah I'm conscious,dreadfully tired and I'm still around.
Thanks for being here Y'all,seriously.

[OldBaldy1701E]

18. I hear you.