You know...

[OldBaldy1701E]

It is when I am sitting here alone surrounded by the complete failure that is my life that I find myself confused as to why others cannot see it. It is obvious to me. It would be obvious to anyone who wishes to take a look. I have nothing left to offer, or someone would have asked for it by now. I have no desire to do anything because everything I do fails. Now that cold weather is coming, I am really wondering if I will make it through another winter here. Hell, anywhere. Because it always comes down to the same question as far as I am concerned.

Why bother?

[applegrove]

1. The economy under Biden will keep improving for the working and

middle class. There will be jobs everywhere as the baby boomers retire. Don't you want to ride the good times wave? GOP can't do anything about union jobs coming back. It has been a bad turn for 40 years. Time to let the good times roll. He'll even if you are retired you could find a job easy on your body. Your boss will be treating you really nice. These are the days of an employee's market. This will be a recession with jobs.

[OldBaldy1701E]

3. I am a baby boomer.

So far, there is nothing I can do consistently any more. I cannot stand for too long,. I cannot sit for too long. I am having more and more difficulties mentally. Today was a surprise day of late summer. I cannot ride my bike because I ran into a car three months ago. I cannot risk falling again. The fact that there is a risk of my old feeble ass falling is enough to make me run screaming into the night. Except I cannot run, and have not been able to for years. I did not mean to be like this. I did not mean to fail at every single fucking thing I got within 100 feet of. But, here we are. There will be no good times for me. Those times have passed. My body cannot handle it anymore. My brain cannot handle it anymore. My soul cannot handle it anymore.

[applegrove]

10. I've been on an SSRI since I had my life destroyed, again and again, by bad people.

Last edited Sat Oct 22, 2022, 11:09 PM - Edit history (1)

They targeted me starting when I was 23. The selective seritonin reuptake inhibitors give me a strong baseline for my emotions. Why not talk to your family doctor and try something. Nobody should suffer too many losses at once. That's not right.

[OldBaldy1701E]

20. Tried Paxil, Effexor, Wellbutrin...

Lost plenty of drive and so on from them. Did not help my mental state after about five months. I am glad they help you but I will never put another SSRI in my mouth again.

[Maraya1969]

35. Sounds like you might do well in an assisted living situation. People help you and you

are always around other people, (If you want)

We all lose abilities as we grow older. It doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong.

I really hope you can get some help. Maybe even a therapist to help you deal with things. I've been to therapy and it is very helpful

[OldBaldy1701E]

37. Thank you.

Therapy is beyond my socioeconomic range. No, I am not doing anything 'wrong'. That is how I got here, by doing wrong things that I should have known better. Of course, it is not all my fault. My health and my sanity suffered for it, I won't lie. I am just done is all. I have nothing left in the tank. I have shot my last bolt. I would go into the Monty Python parrot sketch, but I am sure you have seen it.

[BigmanPigman]

2. What triggered this today?

Is there someone you can call and remind you how special you are? You are probably not "a failure" when you asses your true gifts. Everyone has contributed to something special and it doesn't need to be recognized by anyone but you. If you can't see your true contributions then perhaps another person will help to remind you or a therapist can help you to recognize your true worth.

I am glad you came to the wonderful support of fellow DUers. That is a smart move. Continue to be "smart" and not listen to the "stupid" side of your brain at this time, and all times actually. Your brain can play tricks on you. Don't let it!!!

[OldBaldy1701E]

4. One can only delude oneself for so long. (n/t)

[BigmanPigman]

6. Maybe that's why you need someone's input

that is more objective. Are you feeling suicidal at this time? Have you felt this low in the past or is this new territory?

What are you skilled at? What do you enjoy doing? Even for just 5 minutes do what you feel is comforting. Do you need to be distracted? Do you have pets to cuddle? Can you make a yummy snack? Is there a funny movie you can rewatch? Is there a mystery book that will focus your thoughts on something else for a little while? How about a favorite album to listen to? These are things I do to distract myself when feeling depressed. Sometimes just a little break for you brain is just the right thing for now.

[wryter2000]

34. Hon, I'm sorry, but these thought are the self-delusion

What BigmanPigman said is more accurate. You're naturally seeing everything through a negative lens right now. You don't think anything positive about your life is accurate. Your brain is telling you that. Please, seek help. Even if you're not feeling suicidal right now, a call to a suicide helpline could relieve some of your pain. Give them a call, and tell us how it goes.

And, I will add...so glad you said something on DU.

[OldBaldy1701E]

36. Thanks for the reply.

Calling a 'helpline' will not do much. I have done it many times. Unless I am sitting here with a pistol shoved into my mouth, they will just say it will be okay, rattle off services that I cannot afford and terminate the call. And, if I were sitting here like that, there would be about 15 armed officers charging into the house like those SWAT guys in 'Blues Brothers'. I don't want that. I am always suicidal, but I have learned that I am too cowardly to do it. Until I can be assured that it won't hurt, I will just have to suffer. And suffer. And suffer some more. Unless I hit the lottery, there is no help for this other than growing a pair, or becoming a lump on the couch. I am the latter... for now.

[Gaugamela]

5. I call this meta-thinking. Instead of focusing on tasks and goals in

the immediate present, you try to take a bird’s eye view of your whole life story and cast judgment on it. I know this mind frame well. But the bird’s eye view is always distorted and deceptive. It’s a filter colored by your depression. I’ve learned to catch myself whenever I start to go down that road and interrupt it. I tell myself “that’s meta-thinking, let it go”. Then I think of something I want to do: clean something, read a book, go for a walk . . .

Winston Churchill once said, “Success is nothing more than moving on undefeated from one glorious failure to the next”.

Failure is a matter of perspective and opinion. Probably the reason no one else sees it the way you do is that to them it just looks like life.

My advice is, stop thinking about yourself and turn your attention outward.

[OldBaldy1701E]

12. You have given me a good chuckle.

Because everyone always tells me that I am too nice and should really start worrying about myself more. Ironic, eh?

[applegrove]

22. I was too nice. I started worrying about myself more, turns out that involved criticizing myself

Last edited Sun Oct 23, 2022, 12:18 AM - Edit history (3)

less and going on an SSRI. I started to get compliments at work. Sometimes it did not work out. I was told I was my bosses favourite employee at a gift shop. H&R Block had me as an intake worker a a very busy site. Two women quit the same job (the morning shift) crying because it was such a zoo. They asked me back the next year. So I had more defined strengths and weaknesses and played to my strengths. Both my parents were on mental health meds as they aged and their limits became too much for them.

[Nictuku]

7. Finding Motivation is Difficult for me too

I'm considering Psilocybin. I'll let you know if I have good results.

[OldBaldy1701E]

8. Good luck.

I cannot do that anymore because I developed an allergy to mushrooms. It sucks.

[I_UndergroundPanther]

9. I want to hear your results

I have trauma and been in regular therapy for decades. I have been wondering if it could help me. The hard part will be finding a place to give me the psychedelic therapy.

[Nictuku]

11. A friend of mine was going to give me some

.... but not sure how reliable that will be. I won't hold my breath!

What I'm hoping it does is help me to at least clean my floors!

[OldBaldy1701E]

14. A word of advice.

You should always have someone experienced around when you are starting to do anything 'altering'. The reason I never had a bad acid trip is because I was taught well by a very experienced party animal. So, a word to the wise.

[Nictuku]

17. Thank you for caring

I've been around the block a few times, although it has been a while for this particular experience.

I certainly won't be out in the world, I won't be alone (my 81 year old mom lives with me. I can tell her about it if I want to, though I might not) In fact, back when she was in her late 30's, we actually took LSD together and went up to the top of Haleakala and watched a meteorite show followed by a sunrise).... That was 40 years ago, when we lived on Maui!

This time, I will hopefully focusing on how badly my floors need cleaning (god that sounds boring, but that is what I'm looking for, motivation!)

[OldBaldy1701E]

23. I bet that was fun.

Mahalo for sharing that. The only partying I ever did with my parents was a few parties at my dad's place. He lived WAY out in the boonsticks so we always had a good time.

[I_UndergroundPanther]

28. Same here I really need

To mop and vacuum and my motivation has been flat,too. At least its not filthy in here and the kitchen is clean,beds made ,trash out and floor swept.
Anything else I have the hardest time motivating especially going outside for anything ,not enough hygiene (not stinky tho) and doing art. Art used to be my thing and I am told I have talent. Just cant motivate myself to DO it.

Why is my motivation gone? I hate being like this.

[Wicked Blue]

31. True

And how I wish I could do it one more time.

Sometimes I get spells of feeling like you. Especially when the days get shorter and there's a colorless cold winter awaiting. I've never written the books I ache to write, because I lack self-confidence.

When I get frustrated with the world, I go outside and take it all out on the weeds: the crabgrass, dandelions, stiltgrass.

Wish I had something helpful to say to you. Just hang in there, because spring will be coming and it's worth seeing. And maybe there's something nice in your near future.

[OldBaldy1701E]

18. My life was based on creativity. Now, it just reminds me of my failure.

Forty-four years as an actor/singer/musician/writer/director/producer/etc. I cannot even pick up my guitar anymore. I just sit here looking at it. It just reminds me that I am done. My voice is gone. I can barely sing one song any more. I used to sing for hours without losing any of it. I have a library of my own music. What did it get me? Besides a collection of music no one seems to like? It doesn't matter. None of it does.

[OldBaldy1701E]

27. Heh, if my music is 'discovered' years from now it will have no bearing on me.

You are right. I don't know the future. All I can do is try to plot a direction based on the past. And, the past says that trying to plot a direction is useless in my case. All roads lead to the same dead end. One might be a bit more scenic, but in the end...

[Tetrachloride]

32. I'd be very interested in stories of directing

[applegrove]

19. Or do something the opposite of creative: do something perceptive.

They use the same brain muscles. Join a euchre card playing club. Look online for 5 stories a night to post on DU and work on your salience abilities. They say to do art you should experiment with different forms and keep an ideas book. So keep a book on fighting Maga otherwise know as a DU Journal.

[Bluethroughu]

15. We've all road this roller coaster of life...

Sometimes white knuckles grabbing on for dear life, other times throwing our hands in the air and letting the chips fall where they may.

One thing that is foresure, life will always be changing and with that you can change with it.

I understand you feel as if your mind and body are not as sharp as you would like, take a WALK where ever you like, rural or urban. People watch on a bench or just watch the trees and tall grass sway in the breeze, but know this is your home and these are your gardens. You are just another perfect human among all the imperfections that need you here.

The walking helps the body and the mind. The people watching teaches you, were all in this together. You might even see something that makes you smile or laugh out loud.
Don't hold back, let it go...it's contagious.

[cachukis]

16. Sharing is the soul. You are sharing and getting a response.

Sharing is the first step to catharsis. Just keep taking steps and you'll find help along the way.

[Tolerant1]

21. I've read and re-read and re-read your message...

And wanting to say something to help you. I bet I'm not the only one.

I've been in therapy for about three months now. I started going to assuage my wife who was disturbed by how much I was drinking. I so dreaded the first appointment. Now, I look forward to my weekly appointment!

I could have read your message to my therapist as if it were my own words. I've found that saying my thoughts out loud (i.e. "I'm a failure", "I've stalled", "I'm a shitty dad", etc.) to a professional is healing me. I feel very safe with him and have been able to express thoughts and feelings I would never, ever share with a friend or family member. And he asks thought-provoking questions that have helped me think through my issues.

We all fail at some things. No one is a 100% failure, even the worst among us.

[OldBaldy1701E]

25. I am glad you are able to do this.

Unfortunately, I am not in the upper percentile of this society so I cannot afford to get the treatment I should be getting. I have tried seeking help from the county, or the state, for years. They love to toss pills down my throat, but they don't do anything else. And, drugs are not what I need. I need therapy. And, after that last time I tried, I am more than leery of doing that again.

[Tolerant1]

29. A few years ago, I had a GP throw anti-depressants at me...

The best way can I describe them was they gave me a "fake happy." I know they work for many, but not me. I can relate with you.

The clinic I go to is Christian-based, and they have a sliding scale on the rate based on my income. I'm Christian, so that didn't bother me; however, at my first appointment, the therapist asked me if I wanted Christiany or secular therapy. I went the Christiany route, but I've not experienced much other than the occasional Bible verse. So, maybe there's a clinic nearby you that similar and that charges little.

I guess my main point to stress is find someone who knows what they are doing and is professional who isn't someone you know. I've admitted things to my therapist that no one knows, and he didn't blink or react in any way. At one point, he told me he had heard much worse from other clients. Not being judged is healing.

I could not be more sincere.

[TigressDem]

26. I get to feeling that way sometimes.

I want to be that person who has an idea and it actually goes somewhere and helps the world or at least someone.

I thought I would be a writer by now. Did not happen. Got some books finished but never submitted them

I even "failed" at what I thought was an inspired but relatively simple idea today. Donate clothes to homeless shelter.

My son lives with me and his kids the other day threw out bags of clothes and a few of my things got swept up in the mess so I wondered if any more of my things got thrown out. There were like 4 small bags and 2 large bags. I went to laundry mat and washed all these clothes. Folded them and put them in bags by basic size etc.
Oh but I got a really late start because my son was yelling at his kids about cleaning, washing dishes and he just lost his shit. I went up there because he was telling his son to leave, just get out.

It's like he SAYS he wants the end goal, kid do dishes and don't argue.
BUT when the kid starts arguing, and I live with his 17 year old too, THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS is a CALM Broken Record and redirect of all his stupid excuses. I got him to start doing the dishes and my son got mad at that. Threatened to go take apart the part of the back deck he worked on this summer. Because I asked if he wanted me to take 1 of the kids with me to do laundry to lessen his load.

I had about 3 loads of my own clothes too that I decided to bundle up as well. $63 and HOURS later we got done. Hubby met me and my sister we packed things up into the two cars and we took my sister to lunch for helping me. Then we tried to find somewhere that would take the clothes. They don't take USED clothes because of Covid now.

I know there are places that do but I was hoping to donate to places that help the homeless.

I failed at working in a warehouse. I was doing my best to keep up with 20 year olds. I am 60 and it got to be too much. But I did lose some weight. Well 2 or 3 pants sizes.

So I went back to my old gig, tech support. I feel good and bad. Sitting is killing my body. I got used to running my ass off and now when I sit all day my back hurts like hell. I can barely bend down to pick stuff up off the floor. I hurt from sleeping. But I love being on the phones and solving problems again, even if half the time, I don't know what I am doing.

I used to have a light box. I need sunshine to not go mental. Not sure where it went, so I have to get out daily. I live in the basement. I take Wellbutrin and it has been allowing me to turn off the negative thoughts, AND I make lists. If I can do ONE thing and check it off, it begins a slow turn away from thinking I am a total failure.

I call people. I reach out. Like you did.

My in laws are cooped up and feel like they have nothing to offer some days, but they have been there for us in the past and that is enough for us. We do weekly shopping for them even though the things they "need" are minimal. It's a reason to touch base and show them we love them.

It helps to give others a bit of time and attention.

I just wish I could really do something that feels like I am succeeding instead of just treading water.

Why bother?

I need to live long enough to REALLY IRRITATE THAT ASSHOLE KID of mine.

He thinks I pissed him off today. Wait until I really TRY to do it.

I brought him into this world.....

[Tetrachloride]

30. I find good movies on Netflix or at the library

or here in DU and share with friends.

I am preparing this winter to help a friend’s kid to pass college entrance exams.

I keep going on walks every day. I learned to like koshari ( lentils, noodles and tomato sauce)

This is my progress.

As I mentioned in my other reply, I’d be very interested in stories on directing and other aspects.

[Bayard]

33. I'm not bullshitting when I say, I've been there

In the depths, where you can't see a way out, and ended up in the ER because of it.

My animals literally saved my life. Really. When I felt like I had nothing and no one, and didn't feel like I could get out of bed, I knew I had to because they depended on me. They were always happy to see me, always happy to listen and commiserate. They don't gossip, they don't judge, and they are great therapists. They gave me purpose, and a schedule. They will not look at you as a failure. They will look at you with love.

How about a trip to the local shelter?

[BigmanPigman]

38. That is what saved Mickey Rourke

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mickey_Rourke.

His little dogs kept him from killing himself.

[OldBaldy1701E]

39. I wish I could but the guy that owns the place doesn't want another pet here.

I really, really miss our two dogs. They both made it to 13-14 years, with the last one passing four years ago. First time in my life that I had a pet/pets that lived that long. I am still not really over them yet. I don't want to deal with that again just yet.

[Bayard]

41. I'm sorry to hear that

Even if you explain its a support animal?

[OldBaldy1701E]

40. Thank you all for the kind words.

If I have offended anyone, I apologize. When the darkness is truly in control, I am completely inconsolable. I am still wondering "Why bother?", but I can at least work on it in a more conducive frame of mind. I do know that I have a very real concern about Parkinson's, or Alzheimer's these days, seeing how my brain is working. There are things happening to me that have never happened before, mainly because I was always smarter than this. And, I am seeing the effect that this is having on my mate. I cannot stand to watch this. I know that he holds the schedule that he holds to keep contact to a minimum. I do not blame him. I think I should go. I think he is making a mistake staying with me. But, I will not survive without him. I don't want to survive a lot of the time as it is, were I to leave him or vice versa, I know my number would be up.

So, I was thinking about this earlier post and I had this question: When everyone around you constantly said that you were good at what you do, and yet you were never able to make that turn into a living (at least our socioeconomic version of it), how can one conclude anything other than either a) everyone is a liar, or b) I failed spectacularly? What if it was both (which would mean everyone including myself sucks and therefore why even bother living another moment)? This is one of the things I have been grappling with recently. I have no answer and I don't know that there is one.

[flor-de-jasmim]

42. Your original post could have been written by my husband, and I sympathize with you.

What struck me in your post is saying that your failures are not obvious to others. This suggests to me that objectively you are not a failure, although it sounds like you have a negative mindset that is filtering out positive thoughts.

I agree with the suggestion that it is good to get out of your own head by doing something for others. Helping out at an animal shelter, volunteering at a school - whatever might take your fancy. Sometimes when people volunteer they can find a job at the same place.

How do you react to motivational speakers? I have watched several videos on and by Tulia Pitt, an Australian woman who was burned over 65% of her body by a bush fire when she was running a marathon, and her journal back through many surgeries.

I wish you all the best - posting here is a positive first step!

[OldBaldy1701E]

43. Thanks for the kind words. (n/t)

[KS Toronado]

44. How about getting more involved with posting positive things on DU?

there's plenty of forums to pick from, music, cooking, humor, your home state to name a few.

[OldBaldy1701E]

45. Thanks for the suggestion.

Being positive about anything is all but a lost art for myself these past several years. Hell, I am sitting here at the damned computer when I should be out enjoying my favorite holiday. But, I am tired of the increasingly quizzical and sometimes suspicious looks at a near 60 year old man dressed as anything other than a near 60 year old man. I am broke so no bar hopping. Wouldn't matter, as I can't 'party' anymore anyway. Because I live surrounded by people older than I am, we have no trick or treaters here. (Thanks to HOA rules, I can't do much decorating on the place anyway. Which is about the worst thing I have ever heard of.) I used to revel in this time of year. I have been 'haunting' places ever since I was 13 and would decorate the front of our house as well as play some part i.e.: I would sit in a lawn chair with my football pads on my head and a sheet draped over me, while holding a faker head in my lap. All I would do is let the head fall as a crowd approached, and once they started to walk closer I would just stand. That usually elicited many massive screams and a rush back down the sidewalk. I started working in big haunted houses when I was around 15. I created a haunted woods for three years when I was 18-20 that was so popular we had to regulate the crowd because they were lined up along the sidewalk for half a mile. In a residential area. This type of thing was and is always so much fun. Now... I can't go to one because I can't afford them and I can't work in one because I am too feeble/crippled.

A Blessed Samhain to you and everyone, though. I hope the Spirits watch over you all during the long winter