Hi. The reality of a situation is hitting home. I really f'ed up something.

[Denninmi]

Yeah. I don't even know where to begin to start on this one .... Back to the angst-filled posts. Well, not quite as bad as where I was. Not irrational or ranting, more like I am trying to admit I have a problem so I can deal with it.

You have read a lot of stuff from me, A LOT, ever since I started posting here in August. A lot of really personal, embarassing things. Things which would mortify me discussing in the flesh and blood world. All of my father's kinky behavior. All of my irrational gloom and doom. Crap like that.

This is worse. Well, worse for me to admit anyway ... Admit what I have done in the last 4 months.

I haven't even been brave enough to look at my credit card statements for months. Just ignore them when they show up. More than ignore. Avoid. Purposefully avoid. To the extent that I just wrote smallish payment checks and a cover letter and mailed to the payments address I had copied down for both issuers back around Labor Day. That way I wouldn't have to look.

Well, I had to look. Couldn't avoid it any more.

Self-Inflicted Disaster. Of epic proportions. I was shocked at the balances. And by the fact I am very near credit limits. Never been there before.

I'm not even brave enough here to admit to the numbers. But as a percentage of annual net income, total is about 200%. Enough to buy a really nice car, and not a basic Chevy or Toyota, but some model of some of the luxury brands.

I worked up the courage to check statements because I took savings bonds out of the safe deposit box last week, and submitted yesterday after getting the medallion signature guarantees on them. I took out what I thought would cover most of it. Wrong, about half. And this is pre-invoice for a couple of my biggest medical bills.

I could offer excuses. I know psychologically why I did this ... Coping Mechanism. I don't drink, don't do drugs, don't gamble, not promiscuous, none of the typical self-destructive behaviors. This eased the pain short-term. But there isn't a good excuse for what I have done.

Whip out the MC or Discover and ask questions much later, apparently easy.

Some of this spending is legit - been paying the medical bills that have come in this way, pre-paid my therapist for 4 months, plus gas, car repairs that were essential that were about $1000.

But I did this. Prior to August, total I owed on CC was about 2/3 rds of annual net income. And I was working really hard on getting it down - in January 2012 it was about equal to NI. Was making good progress.

I have to take my lumps and deal with this. It is what it is.

I have confidence 2013 will be a better year for me.

Thanks for reading this.

[Tobin S.]

1. I don't know if it was necessarily a coping mechanism

But I guess you'd know better than me. I do know that such behavior is fairly typical with one who has bipolar disorder. At least you are dealing with this, Dennis. A lot of people who aren't mentally ill get in worse trouble financially.

[Denninmi]

2. Thanks, Tobin.

Hey, sorry to hear about your stress and financial issues, too. I know you are going through a rough patch there.

I need to use this as another teachable moment in my life, so I can be more responsible in the future.

Yes, I know this is a big bipolar thing, plus frankly, I think it's a guy thing to like shiny new expensive toys.

I know, another soft landing in one sense. I can pay it all off in the time it takes Treasury Direct to process and deposit funds in my account. more years of cat food in the future though. i knew better, but said oh, to hell with it, "they are going to take everything away from me anyway". - which people like you told me was completely irrational. The power of fear can be overwhelming.

I need to get this over and do a fresh start in 2013, with a realistic plan and systems to carry it out.

[Denninmi]

4. Thanks. I know I can get through it.

I'm not an emotional basket case over this, pretty matter of fact actually. Mostly just disappointed, I knew I was going wild.

Started with irrationality, the "they're going to take it all away anyway, so spend it" feeling.

Then it morphed into "it's an investment in my health". That is literally true, but I am the type that I can't just buy good, I have to buy the best.

And frankly, there isn't a material thing in the world I need, I actually am drowning in "stuff". I need to learn to be content as is.

And again, yes, I am in definite soft landing territory compared to most people.

The goal is just as with the bipolar crisis, learn from it, and make sure it never happens again.