You know what's really, really freaky?

[Neoma]

Not realizing that I was abused. This...explains a lot of my past behavior. Mostly punching pillows and wanting to box. Anger spurring out of no where, all the self-doubt and ugly things I ended up saying to myself, was really what he said to me. It stalled my life so much, and I didn't even realize why. And now I can work on getting past this, now that I've realized.

I'm still "holy fuck" about the brainwashing that happened. All those years of calling me weakling, and down playing or denying what happened. Questioning my memory, intimidating, threatening, blaming other things for it, diminishing approval, trying to keep me more isolated due to "my safety." Plus he's the older brother. 7" taller than me. We were around each other constantly too, we were unschooled.

I guess the other 20+ traumatic events (yes, I wrote down a list and counted) covered up it. I haven't ever wondered why I was triggered, because it's no fucking wonder.

Still stunned.

[elleng]

1. WOW!

Amazing you're here to talk about it.

[Neoma]

2. Well you know, I deserved it.

I was annoying and he was really stressed out.

Wonder where I heard that.

[elleng]

4. Really.

Almost but not quite like my older daughter, 28, who has had somethings against her younger sister, 24, practically forever. Emotional abuse.

Both need help, but fortunately the younger in pretty good shape. The older, who is now, imo, almost out of control of herself, when dealing w we 3 in the family now. Very worried about her. But the father and I are firmly WITH the younger now, who is doing better than in the past.

[Neoma]

6. The worst was when we were adults and around each other.

I was even more of a "weakling" because I had double pneumonia in college. I keep going back to those years in my head, not purely because I was sick and dying, which is something horrifying in itself. But because my brother took more of an advantage due to my weakness. And he did keep me as isolated as possible. He went Bazerk when I went into a car with a friend. Kept reminding me that I have no "street sense" whatever that's supposed to mean.

I saw him for what that was then, but I automatically looked at the past and went, "but the hitting wasn't THAT bad back then." Which basically means I was minimizing the past events like he wanted me to.

I tried taking a picture of the huge bruise on my leg, since that was a rare instance of seeing the abuse. Well, I had a lot of trouble trying to capture it because it looked like my arm. That's how skinny I was.

Plus extra emotional abuse by my great aunt and uncle. (In a demeaning, "you're still a child" way.) Oh, and did I mention college? I went everyday, sick as a dog.



That was a bit over 4 years ago, and I still end up thinking about it.

[elleng]

7. I guess its good you think about it now

but in a different light, it appears.

[Neoma]

9. I guess I'll have to force myself to have high-esteem.

I was already doing a lot better, but now I can have firm goals without my brother talking in my head.

I told him I was going to be an author. "No you aren't." Was the response. He gave grrrreat encouragement!

[elleng]

11. Self-esteem will grow

with success in various ventures. Happens slowly, but it will happen.

Write an essay, and you are an author. Write here, and you will be appreciated.

[Neoma]

12. I'm good at writing.

I wrote a wonderful poem about guns and mental health. Then I accidentally deleted it goddamn it. I mean seriously! I had three long verses! Argh.

[elleng]

13. Really ARGH!

I've 'deleted' stuff, too; everyone has, but I try not to recall!

IF you do poetry, you may be interested to know that so does California Peggy.

[polly7]

3. It's an awesome realization, Neoma.

And, a really difficult one to come to terms with in some respects, but very liberating. I hope you continue to see things as they are.

I spent years doubting and hating myself believing I wasn't worthy of being treated with decency, before I realized, with the help of a very supportive therapist, that my thinking was the absolutely expected result of years of gas-lighting, brainwashing and pretty terrible abuse. I still fall into the old mindset occasionally, when things get stressful or hard .. but I look at the two people who did it, and see now how destructive to others they are still. It's really torture, when you're locked into 'hell' with these forces and see no support to try to make any sense of it.

I'm so happy for your AHA! moment and wish you all the best with the healing that comes from it.

[Neoma]

16. With me it was:

"I'm a waste of resources." I got environmental in my thinking. You know, "There's no telling how much I've fucked up the planet already, why should I be that person?"

[libodem]

5. Hi friend

You must have recovered some memories. Sorry for your trauma. There is a reason those memories are buried.

A little off the subject, but I was watching a Steve Wilcos show yesterday that was chock full of really twisted family dysfunction. I find much of that crap exploitive of the victim. But I watched.
The woman is 20 something and her dad is having intimate relations with her. The mom had abandoned and exploited her, too but was trying to talk her away from her abuser. The 'girl' was so brainwashed she didn't see anything wrong in sleeping with her father. She continued to blame her mom for her problems. She steadfastly insisted she wanted to be with her father, no matter what. I felt so sorry for her.

[Neoma]

8. Isn't every family dysfunctional in some way or another?

I'm not so sure I've ever seen a perfectly normal family.

[libodem]

10. I think so

At least a little. My parents were alcoholics who fought all the time. Uproar was a family theme. I survived a sexual assault but I was not a little child, at least, Always remember you are not to blame.

[Denninmi]

14. May I ask a question?

"punching pillows and wanting to box"?

Do you mean that figuratively or literally?

Because frankly, my father sounds similar to your brother in the sense that he emotionally abused me, berated and belittled me, and in particular used to denigrate me for my lack of, in his eyes, sufficient masculinity. Very ironic coming from a man who would it at the breakfast table in a padded bra and satin negligee (I kid you not).

So, I am curious because I am really drawn to the concept of taking non-contact or light-contact boxing lessons soon, perhaps in the spring. I have been doing simple punches at the gym, and find even those a good, appropriate and healthy way to deal with stress.

I'm not sure if I am intrigued by this because it would get out aggression, stoke my sense of masculinity (although as many women as men were in the group non-contact class I saw, or I just want to look like Adam Levine in the video for 'One More Night' (just kidding).

[Neoma]

15. Well, I did punch things that aren't living.

That kind of hurts and I don't reccomend it.

I have a silly memory of having gloves with padding and they looked like boxing gloves a little. So I tried to get a kid to box with me. He didn't show up. So in that sense, it was literately.

But am I going to take boxing lessons? Probably not. Hot power yoga (boot camp!) is enough to exercise my arms. You would not believe how hard some of that is. But there's different types of yoga...put it this way. I can't do this yet:

[Fire Walk With Me]

17. :(