Anyone here ever NOT be able to get over a lost love?

[BlancheSplanchnik]

Especially a dysfunctional one? I totally imprinted on serious abuse and dysfunction growing up.

So here I am again.

What did you do that was most helpful?

I've been stuck for toooooooooo long. Can't get over him. Thoughts and memories of him--the fantasy I had about who he was, that we were together, that I had finally found my partner (I buried a LOT of red flags too, to be honest.)

There's a psychological phenomenon called splitting. That's when you can't reconcile the bad with the good. I'm totally stuck in that. I can't put the memories of what was absolutely AWFUL in the forefront!!!!!!

I just keep triggering on the moments that were like a perfect dream of happiness to me. Including time with his family and his Mom and Dad. It was what I always wished for. Sweet loving people who you could actually talk to, and role models that growing old is not the worst thing that could ever happen.


....and now, I feel OLD. Not a good thing, not from what I learned growing up. Old and out of chances. Alone, abandoned on an ice floe. I'm so afraid of how I'll end up.

Don't want to go into the details of all the growing up stuff. Not necessary. It just hurts and I've been in pain for so long, and I'm having an especially bad night tonight.

Having a love interest (obsession) was ALWAYS my only known method to cope. My only source of feeling any self-esteem, nurturing, affection and connectedness.

Tired of being in pain so much.


Was supposed to meet some friends tonight but sometimes, I get so depressed, I can't get myself in motion. today is one of those days. I'm not going to tell them that I'm too depressed to meet them. I'll have to come up with a lie---my back spazzed out or got a stomach ache or something. They're a pair of good friends, but they don't get what PTSD, anxiety disorder, depression, and all that fall-out from a lifetime of torture means.

(I do have various self-help books, I am starting with a new therapist tomorrow am, before work. I don't have any family or anyone that cares about me, I mean in a deep, bonded sense. I've BEEN working really hard to move on--started going to Al-Anon several times a week for example. It IS helpful, but I'm just struggling tonight. I do have friends, but I don't want to burden them. ...I feel like I've already become a drag--I KNOW I have. I see people roll their eyes, like I have no right to be so sad. I've started begging for people to adopt me on holidays, because I've spent so many alone.)

Thanks for listening. I'm floundering tonight....

[kickysnana]

1. "Mama said there would be days like this..."

Whether the relationship was a semi-disaster or not I think most people have left over feelings when any relationship ends and some days are worse than others.

It sounds like you are doing positive things. Don't beat yourself up for how you feel only what you do about it.

I had to go through this with a new therapist yesterday and wish there was a vulcan mind meld so I didn't have to remember and talk about it or stir up all those conflicting feelings so the therapist could see where I was coming from.

You never know what tomorrow will bring a new friend, a new love. Remember to be a good friend to yourself too, even when you feel like eeyore.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

2. thank you kickysnana

Yeah, I know what you mean about not wanting to go over it all again with the new therapist!!! I hope you get good work done with this new one!

I'm not totally pleased with my current therapist (only been with her a couple months); got several high recommendations for this new one. Will see, and then end with the current one.

[Tobin S.]

3. The solution to your problem may not be all that complicated

You want a nice guy, but for some reason you always end up with abusive losers. To me that's an indication that you don't know how to spot a good guy. You have to look a little harder for us. We're probably more understated than the kind of guy who usually catches your eye.

My wife had the same problem that you do. One day she was hanging out with a guy friend of hers who is a good guy and she was having such a good time that she thought, "I want a nice guy like that." That guy was gay so she looked around and ran across me. We've been together for almost three years now and we have a good, loving marriage.

If you run across any men who you find kind of boring but otherwise could be attracted to, take the time to investigate. The good guys sometimes don't show you everything on the first go around. The more you get to know them the better they get, not the opposite.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

4. yeah...I have absolutely declared that I will be open to nice guys

And i will go slow, give myself time to see them more clearly.

Just having a hard time meeting *anyone*...no-one of any interest has shown up yet.

Perhaps that's cuz my heart is still tied up in the ex? I'm not putting out "I'm available" vibes to the Universe? Just can't get other things to replace the thoughts of him.

I should be grateful it's done, cuz he was an abusive alcoholic, after all the charm, but......groveling to cruel people just to try and get a crumb is so very deeply ingrained in me (i saw that very clearly in myself last night while journaling)

So, I'm trying a new "mantra" -- I am grateful to not be tiptoeing on eggshells and yelled at all the time...

The new therapist left for summer vacation so I am deciding now to do good work on myself till she's back.

.

[libodem]

5. I have tended to be obcessive

When I really liked somebody. I have a little book around here called 'How to break your addiction to another Person'.
It is good. It goes back to our mother/child bonding and how we desire a return to that safe cocoon. It talks about 'infant' time and how it feels to be an infant crying, waiting for the return of the other. With no sense of time it feels like each moment is an eternity to the infant. We return to that desperate state when we lose a love. Nothing will calm the craving until the person returns. Thus the obcessing. It is very comparable to substance addiction. The book has tips on repairing your psyche and how not to go back. I recommend it.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

8. yeah..that's a good one.

it definitely absolutely is like substance addiction.


another more recent book is "How to Get Past Your Break Up...and turn a devastating loss into the best thing that ever happened to you."

Ha There's some perspective shifting for you....

[libodem]

9. I did have one around here

That was called something like: It's not me, It's you. Made laugh so I bought it. Hope you are doing okay.

Love is so confusing.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

10. 'tis.

confusing and painful.


I'm working on changing the kind of person I fall in love with. My track record is horrible.

I just hope I get another chance......

[libodem]

11. If there were good 100 men in a room

And one was an abuser and one was an alcoholic, believe me I would pick one of them. My picker is broke. No more pickin' for me.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

12. I'm going to AlAnon to learn how to have r-hips with non-alkies.

I need the re-education, because my picker's broke too.

[Fumesucker]

6. You're going to have to work through the five stages of grief

http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

It took me three and a half years and coming to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life and being comfortable with that.

If I accept that then perhaps I can be the person someone else will want to be with, it's basically impossible while still in the grief process I think.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

7. yeah...

grief sucks.

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.....