Had a bit of a blowup with my parents but I think it's ok...
Had a bit of a blowup tonight with my parents. Mostly got angry at myself and not them. I "cancelled" my camping trip I had been planning. I've never done anything like that camping trip, new driver and never been alone for long, so my parents are understandably a little nervous. They voiced there concerns a number of times over the last few weeks but never vociferously. But because of our relationship I internalize those worries and they become my own. I started to doubt if I could do the trip despite being very confident before, I got less confident every time someone would voice a concern. Couple this with my mother being a worry freak and taking control of situations and well, tonight didn't go well. I kind of had a mini melt down, mostly in my own head. But now that I've pulled myself together I think I'll still be going on that trip after all. I don't do well with my family sometimes. Interesting how things seem so much simpler, calmer and less stressful when I'm by myself.
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I had the recurring blowup with my brother today--same old arguments and the only escape is for me is to hop on the bike and retreat to a restaurant so I can stay out of the Texas heat and so he can cool down his temper. He wouldn't have to say, "I'm sorry," so frequently if he could learn to control his temper and stop obsessing over things that cannot be changed or mitigated.
The realtor stopped by today and took pictures of my deceased father's house where we both live. Hopefully it will sell or at least have some strong nibbles by the end of October; otherwise, foreclosure becomes a distinct possibility. It's sad because the house is over 80% paid, but he is driving me insane with the constant barrage of hatred for my screwups from 10 to 20 years ago. The atmosphere among us and two of my three sisters is toxic.
Remember that they are your parents and by nature will be over-protective. 
but I've been through quite a bit during my 48 years on this planet from dealing within my own family to dealing with various roommates during my college years. I've been called early in the morning to go to the hospital to pick up a roommate that nearly overdosed and I had to be on suicide watch for one person that I knew when I was 21.
A couple of years later after I graduated another college roommate called me one evening and I couldn't see him that night because of other plans. The next day a mutual friend called and told me that my former roomie tried to overdose on tranquilizers and was unsuccessful; however, I never saw the roommate again. That has weighed heavily on me throughout the years and has influenced my attitude about having compassion for others.
I also can understand about feeling like your personality is underdeveloped--most of us want to please our parents and be the perfect child for them. The difficult thing is to step out and develop relationships that do not involve your parents--being co-dependent on the parents is damaging to your psyche and could possibly lead to a vacuum in your later life when they are deceased.
Fortunately, I do not believe that you are despondent (I recognize that because I've been at that state of mind quite a bit lately). I wish that I could stay up more, but I'm knocked out by all the work that has gone into getting the house ready and I completed a job application this week for a fairly high-paying position which would be a solution to alleviate the stress with my brother. However, the guilt complex is difficult to suppress and it is unfair for anyone to trigger those emotions in others.
