Peyton Manning Tirelessly Studying Footage Of Athletes Denying Allegations

[KamaAina]

Yes, it's The Onion.

http://www.theonion.com/article/peyton-manning-tirelessly-studying-footage-athlete-52423

Praising the 39-year-old’s exhaustive preparations amid accusations involving performance-enhancing drug use and sexual assault, sources close to Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed Wednesday that he has been tirelessly studying video footage of other athletes denying allegations. “He’ll sit in his film room 10, sometimes 12 hours a day just studying various defenses, and he’s been absolutely meticulous about writing down exactly how many seconds someone pauses before becoming teary-eyed and saying how hard the whole process has been on them and their family,” said Manning’s personal assistant, Ryan Robinson, noting that the quarterback had been thoroughly studying the likes of Kobe Bryant, Barry Bonds, Ben Roethlisberger, and Lance Armstrong, often rewatching their interviews multiple times until he has memorized the techniques they used to profess their innocence. “You can ask him where Roger Clemens’ eyes were each time he says ‘It never happened’ on the 60 Minutes interview about the Mitchell Report, and Peyton can tell you. I swear, he’s got an encyclopedic knowledge of this stuff going back to the 1985 MLB cocaine trials. He’s just so focused and determined to beat the case.” Robinson added that Manning has also been meeting three hours a day with a public-speaking coach to work on the fundamentals of nonverbally conveying disbelief.

[joeybee12]

1. And once more the Onion gets it right...knr

[El Supremo]

2. Like this time? >>

Tom Brady Keeps Referring To Self As ‘Golden Boy’ While Denying Cheating Allegations

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following the release of an independent investigation implicating him in the New England Patriots’ ball-deflation scandal, quarterback Tom Brady held a press conference Thursday during which he staunchly denied all allegations while repeatedly referring to himself as the “Golden Boy.” “The Golden Boy would like to state right now, for the record, that at no time did the Golden Boy have any knowledge that team assistants were tampering with game balls,” said Brady, adding that, given the paramount importance of maintaining the game’s integrity, the Golden Boy would never, under any circumstances, seek an unfair advantage in order to win. “This investigation is obviously deeply flawed, and the Golden Boy looks forward to speaking to Commissioner Goodell so the Golden Boy can clear the Golden Boy’s name and focus on next season.” Brady reportedly ended the press conference by telling reporters that the Golden Boy will not be taking any questions and then promptly walked out of the room.

http://www.theonion.com/article/tom-brady-keeps-referring-self-golden-boy-while-de-50366

[joeybee12]

4. Not as good...

They could have done better on that one.

[madinmaryland]

3. Dammit! You beat me to this one!!