If someone says "I will pray for you", how do you feel about it?

[guillaumeb]

1) Do you take it as an insult?

Personally, I do not use the phrase unless I know that the person with whom I am speaking is a person of faith. And if the person is a person of faith, they will know that my expression is intended as an expression of sympathy and support. A recognition of a certain commonality of belief.

2) Do you interpret it as an attack on your beliefs?

Suppose that you tell a co-worker about a difficult situation in your life, and they respond at some point "I will pray for you". Unless the subject of faith has previously been discussed, and unless they are aware that you are a non-theist, would you automatically assume that their intent was to give offense? If so, please explain why.

We are aware that religious feeling and belief is shared by the overwhelming majority of humans, so sometimes an assumption is made that all parties to a conversation have faith as a common attribute. Absent direct knowledge that another is a non-theist, why would an assumption be made that insult is/was intended?

Would anyone feel the same about the expression "Merry Christmas"? It too implies and references religious belief.

[tymorial]

1. Depends in the context of the situation.

[guillaumeb]

2. Will you elaborate?

Assume that the speaker has no knowledge of your philosophy? The speaker has no idea if you are a theist or a non-theist.

[tymorial]

3. The way I look at it the phrase can either be loving or passive aggressive

If I am doing something or having a conversation that the person disagrees with and they say that they will pray for me well that is passive aggressive insult. However if I am ill, or suffering, or sad etc and they say they will pray for me then I take that as an act of love.

[guillaumeb]

7. A very nice answer. Thank you.

[Pantagruel]

4. If someone says "I will pray for you", how do you feel ?

As an avowed atheist, I respond "I'd prefer some cash."

[guillaumeb]

9. And you might be rewarded. Or not. Perhaps prayer is all the person can do.

[Irish_Dem]

5. I take into account intent.

Someone saying they will pray for me is usually with good intent, and no harm is intended.
And I do not think there are negative consequences.

I try not to take slight when none is intended.

[guillaumeb]

11. Welcome to DU, and the conversation.

I agree.

[Irish_Dem]

39. Thank you guillaumeb

Interesting conversation!

[safeinOhio]

6. I thought that Jesus taught

that you pray for Gods will be done, not yours.

[guillaumeb]

12. Prayer can mean many things.

But in context, I believe that most people intend it to be an expression of sympathy and solidarity.

[Mariana]

65. You're also supposed to pray in secret.

You're not supposed to be making announcements about your prayers.

[Doodley]

97. Why is that a problem?

[Mariana]

104. Christ thought it was a problem.

The only reason to announce to other people that you're going to pray, is to make sure those people know you're going to pray. Christ warned his followers against doing that.

[Doodley]

109. Unlike some, I am not a gatekeeper of what Christians should or should not say

based on religious texts. Why would I have a problem if somebody tells me they are going to pray for me? As an atheist, I am not going to use the alleged words of Christ as a reason to have a problem. If I said "bless you," after you sneeze would that be a problem?

[Danmel]

112. Not if you are Jewish

We pray in a min and, a quorum of 10 adults.

[MineralMan]

8. I just say, "I will think for you, then..."

That usually ends the conversation.

Saying "I will pray for you" is just a stupid platitude, used to avoid saying anything meaningful to someone who may need help. It excuses the speaker from actually doing or saying anything useful.

As for my "beliefs," I have none that involve deities or other supernatural entities.

[guillaumeb]

13. The conversation might end because they are puzzled.

I see it as an expression of sympathy.

[MineralMan]

15. Of course you see it like that.

Why should they be puzzled? They are actually offering nothing when they say they will "pray for me." Of what possible use are their prayers to me? If I am reporting that someone close to me is ill or has died, saying "I'm so sorry to hear that" is a personal expression of sympathy. If I am reporting a problem I am having myself, the same thing applies. "Can I do anything to help?" is a personal expression of concern and an offer to do something of use to me. Praying for me neither comforts me nor aids me in dealing with the problem I have reported.

As I said, offering prayers for someone is just an easy way to avoid actually feeling or doing anything. It shifts the job over to some deity, who is supposed to deal with such things, rather than becoming involved, either emotionally or practically. In itself, the expression is dismissive and uncariing.

In Spanish, one says, "Lo siento mucho," when someone tells you about something that is troubling to that person or that has caused some pain. It translates to "I feel it very much." It tells the person that there is concern for the situation and empathy.

"I will pray for you," says, "I'll shift this off to another place, so I don't have to really care."

Since you do not know whether or not a random person believes in some deity or not, why bring religion into an expression of sympathy or concern. It's not necessary, since there are many religion-neutral ways to demonstrate your sympathy or concern. What you believe is not necessarily relevant to anyone else.

[guillaumeb]

18. Of course you see it like THAT.

If you are speaking of something personal to an acquaintance, what do you expect from them?

[MineralMan]

21. No, actually, you did not state that at all in your original post.

You said, "If someone says, 'I will pray for you," how do you feel about it?"

You said nothing about acquaintance or the relationship. You asked an open-ended question, and you asked it of me, and others with whom you do not have such a personal relationship with.

I answered your actual question, rather than the one you thought you asked, apparently.

[Doodley]

96. Do you have a problem too when somebody says "bless you," after you sneeze?

[MontanaMama]

44. I like your answer MM.

I've heard plenty of folks say "I'll say a prayer for you" and it sounds an awful lot like "bless your heart".

[MineralMan]

46. Yes. Sometimes, it is much like that other expression.

The tone of voice demonstrates that all too often. It's typically just a trite expression offered as an excuse for not really having anything to offer. A cliche, really.

[MontanaMama]

51. It generally makes me uncomfortable. n/t

[MineralMan]

54. It generally makes me shrug.

In a few cases, I know that a person will actually say a prayer on my behalf. But only those people I know well enough to understand that. I don't dismiss them and their offer. They're welcome to do so, despite my certainty that it will not matter.

People who know me well, however, know that I am a non-believer, and generally wouldn't offer prayers on my behalf but would express their sympathy in a different way.

People who do not know me well are almost certainly insincere in their offer to pray for me. I know that. So, I offer to think for them. That's my response, because it makes them think a bit about what they have said to me.

My offer to think for them is as sincere as their offer to pray for me, I have no doubt.

[Va Lefty]

10. Agree with tymorial context matters

as for Merry Christmas I say it really without thinking and I'm a non-believer

[guillaumeb]

14. True, the expression Merry Christmas is so common as to be "universal" in the US.

[MineralMan]

24. No, it is not "universal," by any means.

I do not assume anything, so unless I know that a person celebrates Christmas, I say "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings," since most people celebrate something around that time. If they answer with "Merry Christmas," then I know that they consider that holiday to be important. If they say "Thank you" or "You too," then it remains a generic greeting that would apply to any of the seasonal celebrations.

It may be a "universal" greeting for you, but it is not for everyone. that's why I reserve that greeting for those I know celebrate Christmas.

[guillaumeb]

26. So do you say "Merry Christmas" to people that you know celebrate Christmas?

It certainly sounds as if you are validating my point about the greeting being universal.

[MineralMan]

31. Sure, because I hope they have a merry celebration. Why would I not?

If the person is of another faith, I will wish that person a good celebration of that faith's holiday. If I do not know, I offer a generic greeting that covers all of the celebrations that occur at that time. I tend to try to consider the other person before choosing a greeting of that nature.

Do I celebrate Christmas? Yes, I do, as a secular winter holiday. Many people who are non-believers do. I even wear a Santa hat and red shirt with I travel on Christmas day, which I generally do, since seats are usually easy to book on the day itself. Children love it, and I get stares, since I have white hair and a big full beard every December.

You see, I don't mind people having religious beliefs, and wish them well in those beliefs. I do mind people forcing their beliefs on me in any way, though, and will express that, in one way or another.

Thus, if someone says to me, "I'll pray for you," they don't know me well, so I tell them, "Then, I'll think for you." Then, they know something about me they didn't know before.

[juxtaposed]

16. If someone says "I will pray for you", how do you feel about it?

I rather not say how I feel but, it does not end good. That's why I do not bring up religion with ppl. i do not know.

[guillaumeb]

19. I never discuss family matters or personal matters with strangers.

If a family member is sick, I might discus it with friends, but never acquaintances. Friends and family are aware of my beliefs.

[MineralMan]

23. Again, that is not the question you asked.

You asked how I and others reading your post would feel about it. They are telling you how they would feel, but you are arguing with them. You asked, and now you are receiving answers.

Had you asked your question differently and qualified it better, you might be reading different answers.

[guillaumeb]

25. I am not arguing.

I am responding to the people. But if you see anything that I say as an attempt at argumentation rather than dialogue I might question your own motivation.

[MineralMan]

27. You specifically mentioned co-workers in your OP.

Do you know the religious beliefs of all of your co-workers, assuming you have such people in your life?

[guillaumeb]

29. Reread the paragraph.

I was merely posing a situation, not making a personal confession.

[MineralMan]

32. It was all part of the question you asked people to answer.

Apparently, the answers weren't what you expected them to be. Or, perhaps they were.

[juxtaposed]

42. I never bring up my beliefs unless one brings up there's. I always leave it alone.

[guillaumeb]

66. It is easier that way. eom

[juxtaposed]

43. I always hope they will respect my outlook

[Doodley]

95. Do you have a problem if you sneeze and somebody says, "Bless you?"

[trotsky]

17. What will illustrate you are understanding your own privilege...

is when you understand why you are asking the wrong question.

The actual question to see what privilege is all about would be:

"If someone says 'I will pray for you,' do you feel like a response other than one indicating apprecation would be allowed?"

[guillaumeb]

20. So how exactly do you feel if/when you hear that statement?

Insulted, amused?

[trotsky]

115. Neither.

But I recognize it as the behavior of someone who does not understand religious privilege, and simply expects their beliefs to be automatically respected and deferred to.

[trc]

22. Perfectly said. nt

[doc03]

28. Most of the time it is used to put you down nt

[guillaumeb]

30. And you are certain about this?

Or merely assuming a motivation?

[doc03]

36. Well if you would say get into a political subject

they disagree with they will say "I will pray for you". They are telling me they are superior to me. I am thinking
f--- you I don't need f----g prayers.

[MineralMan]

34. I don't think so, really. I think that most of the time it's just

a way to dismiss your concerns and shift them off into another direction. I doubt that any actual prayer will take place. It's just a stock phrase designed to pretend concern.

[Doodley]

98. So when my mother was dying and people said they would pray for her, they

weren't really concerned? When I had cancer and they said they would pray for me, they weren't concerned? These people who said they would pray were just fakers?

[proud patriot]

33. ummm 3

I take it as someone trying to help and support me in their way ...

[guillaumeb]

35. Number 3 fell out of the bottom of the post.

Thank you for adding it.

[proud patriot]

91. singing , I have got to be MEEEEE!

[Doodley]

100. Exactly. I don't get the cynicism on this thread.

[Eliot Rosewater]

37. I take it that I am talking to someone still suffering from

the propaganda they learned as a child.

But if they are good people, I dont harass them about it, no point.

[guillaumeb]

40. True, it is not a debate. Thank you. eom

[cyclonefence]

38. I say "thank you" in recognition

of the good intentions, even if they're being snotty when they say it. I think we atheists make a big mistake when we respond literally to statements like this. My lack of faith is strong enough that I don't feel the need to defend it against every meaningless statement I hear.

And I say "Merry Christmas" right back because I like holidays, especially ones involving cookies and presents. IMO Christmas is no longer *really* a religious holiday for most Americans.

[guillaumeb]

41. Cookies and presents. Two good reasons.

Christmas, in my view, is mainly a marketing holiday.

[MontanaMama]

49. Boy I agree with that!

If I didn't have a child at home, Christmas would be scaled way back. As he has grown, I've begun that process. Christmas is expensive and a whole lot of cooking, cleaning and entertaining. I do say Merry Christmas when it feels right to do so and I also say Happy Holidays alternatively. When I know someone is a leaning RWNJ, I'll say Happy Holidays just to stir the pot! I'm not a "believer" but I am a believer in the spirit of Christmas. Back on topic, I feel uncomfortable when someone tells me they will pray for me mostly because I don't know what to say and don't know their genuine motivation. People that know me well probably wouldn't say that to me. Interesting conversation...

[samnsara]

48. same here... if someone says that to me I tell them thank you as well and..

..I LOVE Christmas!!!!

[50 Shades Of Blue]

45. Generally be OK w/it, but it depends who says it and why.

[samnsara]

47. i am atheist but i am not insensitive to how important religious....

...beliefs are to some people. If they say that to me and if they are religious I take it as a gift from them. If I need to offer words of comfort to a religious person I do NOT say I will pray for them, I usually say I am keeping them close to my heart.

[guillaumeb]

68. An excellent response. Sensitive. eom

[Laffy Kat]

50. It's an attempted comfort.

I always thank them even though I'm a raving atheist.

[guillaumeb]

69. It is, Similar to a hug. eom

[Motley13]

52. Don't bother, they don't mean it, kind of like "how are you" they don't care

plus I'm not religious

[Lotusflower70]

53. Depends on who says it

My mom or my grandma say it, I know it's sincere. Both have very strong faith and their prayers are powerful. If it's among friends, it works there too. Usually at work, it doesn't come up. If it's some fake ass, wannabe Christian that says it, it's an insult.

[elfin]

55. I think t means a lot to them, but nothing to me

However, I thank them. They might be offering something that is important to them - or it may be a reflexive sentiment sparing them from really connecting. I give the benefit of my doubt and move along.

I would prefer more sincere thoughts and specific memories that illustrate that they know of what they are praying about.

They never know that I have dismissed their empty (to me) gesture, because it might be important to them.

When they have a significant loss (as we all do), I take care to remember in more meaningful ways (to me), and invariably they tell me that my note meant the most to them.

[texasfiddler]

56. Depends

If it is at Church, I take it sincerely. If it is a typical right wing republican who doesn't know me, I assume they wouldn't be praying for me if they knew my political views. So it is weird and disingenuous.

[Angry Dragon]

57. When it is said to me, they are trying to convert me from my evil ways

I tell them they are wasting their time and it will not work

[guillaumeb]

70. Ah yes, the "evil ways" syndrome.

At least they are not accusing you of witchcraft.

[Angry Dragon]

74. I have been called evil and Satan

[guillaumeb]

75. I feel sorry for those who respond in that way.

The fear and anger are neither healthy nor productive.

[Angry Dragon]

76. doesn't bother me ................ I just tell them Satan has more power than they do

run, run away children

[guillaumeb]

79. Channeling Phillip K Dick:

do atheists dream of a non-theistic Satan?

[Angry Dragon]

84. I do not know...........I am not one

balance in the world...........to have good you have to have bad (evil) or (SATAN)

[procon]

58. I usually chuckle and ask why.

They seem affronted when I say that I don't share their belief in paranormal fantasies. They probably think I'm some demented old woman who's lost her marbles. Maybe if I could shape shift into a flame breathing gargoyle, then maybe they'd go away and mind their own business.

[guillaumeb]

71. A shapeshifter?

I have never experienced someone telling me that unless we have some common experience.

[gibraltar72]

59. I tell them

I would rather have you spit on me!

[guillaumeb]

72. And do they?

In the age of Trump, I would hesitate on that one.

[Doodley]

60. Political correctness gone too far is when "I will pray for you" is an insult.

[Mariana]

64. It is rude.

As I said in another thread, it is rude to inject one's religion into a conversation about something else. It's especially rude if one doesn't know for certain that the other person will be happy to hear about it.

[Doodley]

94. Would you prefer: "I am not going to say I will pray for you because

that might offend you?"

[Mariana]

103. That would be injecting your religion into a conversation

about something else, wouldn't it? Why would you feel the need to do that at all?

No one objects to you praying for them in private. How would they even know, if you didn't announce it? Some people would rather you didn't talk about your religion during an unrelated conversation. If you don't know for sure that the person you're talking to wants to hear about your religion, just go pray in private, like Christ said to do, and skip the announcement. Please stop pretending you don't understand this.

Edited for clarity.

[Doodley]

105. Are you saying there is a problem if somebody even mentions they have a faith

if that isn't directly related to what is being discussed? I am a life-long atheist, and no, I don't understand why anyone would have a problem with somebody of faith talking about their beliefs or saying "I will pray for you." We should all be tolerant of each other and look for what connects us, not for what divides us.

[Merlot]

61. I find it very condecending

The person saying that thinks they know what's best when they may know nothing of the situation. I'm less concerned about the assumption of mutal religious beliefs than the assumption on the part of the prayer that they actually know what to pray for. Unless they're praying for nothing more than "the best possible outcome for all involved" they need to keep quiet.

Prayer is an excuse for inaction (see "thoughts and prayers" re shotting victims) and a way for the "prayer" to make themselves feel important and insert themselvs in someone elses drama. Because god always answers their phone calls, right?

[Golden Raisin]

62. Annoyed.

Feel the same about, "Have a blessed day!"

[aka-chmeee]

63. In 2013 I had a little go around with neck cancer,,,

And my wife prevailed upon me not to get snarky over friends' declarations of intent to keep me in their prayers. I have always considered that an escape phrase. I kept my mouth shut but did warn her that the first s o b that offered the old "God never gives you more than you can handle" shit was in serious peril.

[guillaumeb]

73. Well said.

And a very interesting gif.

[longship]

67. My inevitable response: "Whatever!"

If they push things further, I respond with, "Whatever!"

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

77. No, neither.

I take it as an expression of positive wishes, probably offered in response to their discovering that something isn't going well for me; that the person wants a good outcome for me. There might be some occasions where it seems condescending ("You poor sorry heathen, I'll pray for your benighted, damned soul" ), but usually it doesn't seem that way. Normally I'll look at it as a person expressing their religious faith in a well-intended way, and it doesn't offend or insult me.

[guillaumeb]

80. Thank you for the response. eom

[dhol82]

78. I would say thank you and move on

I would never insult a person of faith making a sincere gesture.

[guillaumeb]

81. Thank you for the response. eom

[Kleveland]

82. Personally, I want to puke.

No offense to those who at least try to practice what they preach, but I don't need anyone wasting their time soliciting their imaginary anthropomorphic "God" figure. Your God is not a virtual vending machine!

Save your breath, and donate some useful time and efforts to those on earth who need some real physical assistance.

Don't blather to me about that "pie-in-the-sky" nonsense.

I have tremendous faith in the energies and nature that surround us, and it will all take care of itself.

Santa Claus is not bringing me a new life anytime soon.

Peace

[guillaumeb]

83. Please do not puke on the keyboard.

Really difficult to clean.

Thank you for the response.

[cpamomfromtexas]

85. I think it means dont expect them

To lift a finger to do anything else.

[JNelson6563]

86. As an atheist

I always know this is what people say/do to feel better for not actually doing anything. I just small smile acknowledge.

[guillaumeb]

88. Like the phrase "have a nice day", in your view? eom

[JNelson6563]

92. Ok, yeah, same thing.

Oh wait. No it isn't.

Nice.

[Pope George Ringo II]

87. At best, mildly annoyed with a sincere version which is religious privilege.

At worst, very annoyed as it means they've stopped thinking and are retreating into a familiar mantra.

[guillaumeb]

89. It all depends on how they mean it?

I understand.

[Pope George Ringo II]

93. Think of it like tossing steak onto a vegetarian's salad.

If you're just an ignorant twit who didn't ask, you screwed up. If you're shoving your preferences on somebody who has already rejected them, you really screwed up.

[Doodley]

99. So, my neighbor screwed up when she said she would pray for me

when I had cancer because she knew I was an atheist who respected her faith?

[Pope George Ringo II]

102. If you choose to respect her beliefs, you can do that.

When people choose to cast spells on me, I tend to not take them seriously. I can do that, too.

[Doodley]

107. I don't equate "casting spells" to somebody saying "they will pray for me."

I respect people, no matter what their faith, and if they are telling me that they will put some time aside to think of me and pray that things turn out okay for me, tell me, why I, or anybody else, could possibly have a problem with that?

[Pope George Ringo II]

108. It gets well afield of the original question.

But suffice it to say that religion is on balance a net evil development in in human history for reasons that get well afield of the original question. I have a problem with evil.

[Doodley]

110. What I have a problem with is the self-righteousness of some of those of faith or

without faith that says they are better than those who do not believe the same things.

[Pope George Ringo II]

111. Go right ahead and do that.

Just as long as you don't offer to pray for me.

[edhopper]

90. In my experience

"I'll pray for you" is usually wielded as an insult.
"You are in my prayers" as a condolence.

[NastyRiffraff]

101. I take it more like an irritant than an insult

As an atheist, I don't like people assuming I believe in god, but I don't make an issue of it unless the speaker does. I don't take it as an attack on my non-belief, again unless the speaker is clearly attacking.

[Snackshack]

106. Neither.

[Danmel]

113. I say thank you

The people I know who say that to me mean well. I don't think it will help, but hey, it can't hurt and they want to help.

[rock]

114. I don't care

Besides, they're doing it for themselves.