Two of those Mormon clean-cut guys just showed up at my door.

[RebelOne]

The minute they said they were from the Church of Jesus Christ, I said that I was an atheist and not to bug me, and then I shut the door on them. First time I have had Mormons at my door. It is usually the fundie Baptists from the local church.

[Heddi]

1. Mormon boys are dreamy to look at

I had one give me the woo-woo hoochie-coochie eyes at a Shoneys buffet in Cherokee, NC, in 1996. I was 20 and hot. He was....not 20 and scrumptious. I often dream of his face, turning around on his bicycle, waving at me as my family drove away in the other direction. Sigh. Unrequited love. I'd wear magic underpants just for him to take off :

[Curmudgeoness]

5. You are a dangerous lady.

Dangerous to the Mormon boys, at least. I never found any of them to be dreamy. They were always too clean-cut for me. I liked the bad boys.

[Heddi]

7. Aaah, see, I like to corrupt the good ones

and make them bad

and make them beg

[onager]

9. Equal Time...

From the calendar "Hot Mormon Muffins - A Taste of Motherhood." Which apparently wasn't a real big hit in Salt Lake City, at least among the Mormon patriarchy.

You can see the whole thing by Googling "hot mormon muffins." (Actually, I just want all of you to have that search term in your Internet History...)

[AlbertCat]

10. Wow just wow

Or should that be

wowie zowie just wowie zowie

[Mr.Bill]

2. I usually say something like:

"Boy, am I glad you guys stopped by. I am on a mission to convert Mormons to Catholicism, and the beauty of it is, I don't have to walk around and knock on doors looking for you. You always come to me."

[RebelOne]

13. That is a good one. I'll have to remember that

the next time they or the local Baptist church bible-thumpers stop by.

[Warren DeMontague]

3. "these tracks are side by side. Sand people travel single file, to hide their numbers"

Seriously, do those guys ever come in packs of less or more than two?

[AtheistCrusader]

4. Two seems to be the minimum, but I got a mixed group of four once.

They were walking up to my doorway, as I pulled into my driveway. I locked up my brakes in the gravel and all four of them jumped a fair distance at the sound. (There was no danger, I was about 60 feet away, off to the side, but the noise startled them badly.)

[Curmudgeoness]

6. You probably had two newbies learning the ropes.

Every time I have had them show up, it has been two. I think two is a magic number.

And I used to be bothered by them all the time because there was a Mormon church in the subdivision I lived in....they seemed to start close to home on their mission.

[Warren Stupidity]

8. You should be very careful what you say to or about these sorts of people.

You never know who might be listening. Even in your own home, or other safe haven, the lurkers could be looking for things they can get outraged about.

[NeoGreen]

11. It was mid-November...

...deer hunting season, I was in my mid to late thirties, with a scruffy salt and pepper beard, all dressed out to spend about 8-hours in the woods, with my wool red/black jacket (over sized to accommodate the hoodie and wool shirt plus warm accoutrements underneath) and big warm orange-blaze hat all of which made my typical 5'-10" and 185 lbs look like a lean 6+feet and 225+lbs (I had some really nice hiking boots with a thick soles) as I casually strode out of my front door carrying my 12-guage shotgun with scope when I heard a gasp and almost stepped on this unbeknownst to me, maybe 100-lb dripping wet, waif (who looked to me younger than 12 but was likely anywhere from 16 to 19) standing on my front stoop with a bible in her hand.

Her mentors/parents were in my driveway huddled by the car maybe 30-feet away.

Now, I had had a cold the previous couple of days so my voice was in a gravelly octave that could have given James Earl Jones a run for his money.

Before the waif could stuff her lungs back into her thorax and collect her breath to begin her spiel,
I held up my hand and grumbled out.. Not...Today...Please

Not a peep...not a sound... she floated back to the car like tinkerbell dodging a cannon ball and everyone there piled in quicker than you could say bambi.

And I have never, ever, had anyone knock on my door since.

It has been ~12 years.

[Cartoonist]

12. If they are female

I always invite evangelists in for sex. It gets rid of them fast, fast , fast.

[EvolveOrConvolve]

14. The best way to get rid of Mormon missionaries to ask about the groping they get in the temple

There's some weird shit that goes on in Mormon temples and it makes them VERY uncomfortable to talk about. They like to claim they won't talk about it because it's "sacred", but it's mostly embarrassment.

For laughs: http://mit.irr.org/mormon-temple-endowment-ceremony