Jackin' It To Jesus!

[onager]

That doesn't mean what you think. Or maybe it does, you godless degenerate pervs. Link below, but first suffer thru some of my usual circuitous bafflegab.

First, the No-goddamned cable company just rearranged all the channels again. And I'm still fumbling around trying to find my favorites.

So I was channel-surfing and my mind dimly registers on a child saying "Please God...please God..." Thought somebody was dying or something.

Backed up to the channel and the kid is still chanting "please God." But the show turned out to be that suppurating boil on the ass-cheek of American TV, "Toddlers & Tiaras." Happily canceled in 2013, but TLC was running a nostalgia marathon of it.

The kid was praying to win one of those Platinum Level Super-Elite Little Princess contests. The ones apparently always held in the near-empty conference room of a Motel 6 in Hogjaw, Mississippi. Didn't stick around, but if she lost, maybe we have a potential future atheist there.

Few minutes of surfing later, I come across the show again. One of the coaches for these kids or maybe her Mom says, of a 4-5 year old girl: "She looks like a drag queen."

Excuse me? I'm a boring straight person, lady, but I do live in Los Angeles. No drag queen would ever go out in public looking as bad as that kid.

So just out of curiosity on a slow Sunday, I Googled "jesus toddlers and tiaras."

Which led me to the interesting link: "jackin it to jesus toddlers & tiaras." Yes, I did hesitate before clicking on it.

It turns out to be an interesting, previously undiscovered example of Sophisticated Theology. And one invented by my own socio-ethnic tribe, Southern White Trash! I was so proud...

[Ron Obvious]

1. Toddlers in Tiaras

Shows like that make me yearn for the return of war, famine, and pestilence so that we can collectively reset our values.

[Curmudgeoness]

2. I felt like it was wrong

of me to laugh at this. It is sort of like laughing at a mentally handicapped person or an amputee. People like this are really sick and probably need help instead of being made the butt of a joke.

But I couldn't help myself on this one.

[Warpy]

3. I'm guilty, too

What makes people such suckers for this stuff, tarting little girls up and making them prance across stages in front of a bunch of stonefaced adults. I guess even with satellite, entertainment is really still hard to come by in West Bugfuck.

[onager]

4. Seems to be mostly the Moms.

I noticed that, in the little bit of T&T I've seen. In some cases, Moms and grandmothers. They seem to get weirdly obsessive over this stuff.

They'll brag about the kid winning a cheap, tacky crown and a couple hundred dollars. Then turn around and brag that they've spent thousands of dollars on the pageant circuit.

Can't remember if it was on a show or on YouTube, but I caught one Dad being a pretty effective saboteur. He had said flat-out he really didn't want his kid doing pageants, but his wife was one of those obsessive types.

The wife was hounding the kid about always smiling at the judges, being a perfect little lady, yatta-yatta-yatta. This was a really little girl, about 3 years old.

Mom leaves the room. Dad tells the kid: "Show me your Incredible Hulk face." Kid screws up her face into something really ugly, does the "G-R-R-R-R!" sound effects, etc.

Dad: "Now THAT'S the face I want you to show the judges."