Expressing sympathy/ concern

[Piasladic]

I'm sorry if this has been asked and answered a million times before, but as an atheist in a job and in a location where I am not safe to come out, I often feel for my colleagues who are going through awful times. If it's a card, I see all these "You are in our prayers." In person, if they ask me to pray for them, I say something about keeping them in my thoughts.

I have a hard time expressing myself anyway, especially in a culture where praying for someone seems expected.

Do you guys have any tips about language that expresses concern and hope without god?

[Curmudgeoness]

1. I deal with this in different ways,

depending on the person and what I know about them.

If it is a loss, I will usually say "I am sorry for your loss, what can I do to help, do you need anything". If it is an illness or setback where others are praying for them, instead of saying I will pray, I say "I hope things get better" or "wishing you well".

But if I know the person is particularly religious, I will tell them to lean on their faith to get them through. I know that is what they want to do anyways, and it seems to help them. I know that doesn't sound very "atheist" of me, but in these situations, it isn't about me.

[Piasladic]

2. Thanks

I like your ideas, especially about offering to help if I can. It doesn't strike me as particularly non-atheistic to tell a believer to lean on their faith, especially is that will make them happier/stronger. When people are in pain, there really is no point in stressing them. You really remind me that it's not about me, but them.

[Binkie The Clown]

3. Personally, I don't make an issue of such things.

I'm out all the way as an atheist, but I also live in a culture where expression of sympathy often include the word "prayer". I just think of "prayer" as "thoughts of kindness and compassion", or "hopes for a good outcome" having nothing to do, in my own mind, with imaginary celestial beings. Left to my own devices I tend to say "My thoughts are with you." or "I hope everything works out for you." using words like "thoughts", and "hope" instead of "prayer". When invited to sign a card that mentions prayer, I sign it without comment. It's the thoughts and hopes that matter, and if I care about the person in question, then I want for them to feel better about whatever struggles they are experiencing.

I don't believe in god, but the last thing I will do is lecture someone on their deathbed about how silly religion is. I don't kick their crutch out from under them unless I now for sure that they can stand upright without it. Same goes for someone who his suffering, and finds comfort in their religion. I'm not going to be the one to kick their crutch out. There's a time and place for theological debate, and times of emotion crisis are not appropriate times to make an issue of your own beliefs. It's not "standing on principle." It's "being selfish."

Pick your fights, and for the most part, go along to get along.

[AtheistCrusader]

4. I go a little deeper than concern.

An idea I got from a song by Mumford and Sons. Oddly, the songwriter is pretty religious and it comes through on most of his songs. But this one doesn't. (Except the name of the song comes from 'east of eden')

It's about the positives, and making a safe space for someone to mourn and work out their grief as they need to. "i will tell the night, and whisper 'lose your sight', but I can't move the mountains for you."

Tell the night/lose your sight. This is a reference to MacBeth. He is afraid the stars light will see his deepest, darkest desires, and begs they hide their light. In this use, it's a wonderfully poetic way to remind me to make space for the person grieving. I can't 'move the mountain for them', I can't live or experience the grief on their behalf, but I can shelter them, I can stand between them and the starlight so they can break down and deal with that grief themselves without shame or fear. That might be, take the co-worker to a bar, let them vent. Maybe might mean offer to watch their kids so they can escape for a few hours, or maybe help them move some heavy thing they can't lift alone, some thing that reminds them of their loss, out of their life.

If I care about that person, it's not a quick scribble on a card, a sad face and then back to work. "As brothers we will stand, and I'll hold your hand..."

George carlin did a bit about funerals and the sycophants that offer 'if there's anything I can do' and then they leave and go home and that's the end of that. I liken that to prayer. Zero load cookie pushing morons, that can't be bothered to actually do anything material. When I talk to someone suffering and I offer help, I am careful to contextualize how much I am offering because I expect them to call that favor, and I intend to deliver. (Carlin encouraged people to 'call them' on their bluff. Ask them right then and there to do something material for them. Watch them squirm or flee)

Anyway, here's the song. It's one of those things that resonated oddly for me, maybe it can help you.

[onager]

5. Same "location" problem here.

Recently re-located back to the Deep South, where religion is reflexive (though rarely reflective, to make a lousy pun or something).

Just yesterday an old high-school friend called me. Haven't seen him in years, it was great to hear from him. But one of the first things he said was: "The Lord has been very good to me."

I just treat those Jesus-mercials the same way I treat annoying infomercials on TV - ignore them and move on.

When it comes to "in our prayers," I go along with what Binkie and others have said. At a time like that it's not about me, it's about the person who's suffering. At those times people don't need a religious debate, IMO.

I usually weasel out and say "I'll be thinking about you." Which probably makes me Accomodationist Scum to some, but I can live with it. I think it takes a little hypocrisy sometimes just to get thru life.