My son committed suicide 1/27--he was 25 years old
Last edited Sat Feb 5, 2022, 04:09 PM - Edit history (1)
I am in so much pain I can't breathe. My son was my firstborn and he was my rock. Perhaps I relied on him too much?
I can't get over the fact that my last conversation with him I relayed a bad argument his father and I had about money. It was a dumb argument and I should NEVER have burdened my son with the details. I of all people KNEW how he would internalize other people's feelings, emotions, and somehow blame himself. Worse, in my conversation with my son I told him that if his dad and I didn't get this resolved the only solution may be for us to get divorced. Not true--I was just mad--but this would have been something that would have weighed heavily on my already fragile son. Yes, I realized I didn't know how fragile he was but that doesn't matter---I was perhaps the proverbial straw.
Looking at receipts, etc. he had started planning his death over a month prior. He was just waiting for a reason, and I gave it to him. I will never forgive myself. I will never be the same. I don't know how to live with this pain.
I get people telling me "you need to be strong for your other two kids". Yes, I KNOW THAT. "It wasn't your fault". Really? How do YOU know? Then I get mad at my son as well, why didn't he come to me first? Then I get mad at myself again. I knew he was depressed and feeling a bit at loose ends due to COVID sort of short-circuiting his career plans (he graduated 4-year college during lockdown).
I was trying to gently guide him towards getting back on track, then he took his life using a toxic chemical combination (which he found all the instructions for on the internet, isn't that great?) his note was simply a warning to HAZMAT and also the words "I don't deserve to live".
EDIT/UPDATE: I don't know how to do a "reply all" but I'm reading through all the comments and they are so helpful. Particularly those who have suffered from depression themselves and are explaining to me that nothing I or anyone would have tried to do at the time would have helped because they hid their despair. Also those who have experienced a similar loss and felt similar feelings of guilt. I just stumbled across a video my husband made in 2005 when all 3 of our kids were little. Justin was smiling, happy, and it kills me in some ways to remember happier times. I want to go back there and never leave.
I'm also trying to find someone to facilitate his celebration of life and struggling to find the right person. Justin was not religious but was very accepting of EVERYONE. I hope I can find just the right person. I'm lost.
Anyway, THANK YOU everyone for your kind words, advice, understanding. My heart has been ripped out and I honestly don't know how people can survive this much pain.
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Rest in peace.
how my Nana coped when her youngest son killed himself. We all went round in circles with guilt, anger, sadness. Nana was of the generation where we just don't talk about things, so I don't know how she coped in the short term. She did survive though, and eventually even laughed again, but maybe beneath it all she hurt always and forever? I can't imagine, as a mom of 2 boys, that I would break apart and then be put back together the same after that. 
My heart aches for you.
Please consider contacting a hospice bereavement department to pursue help in resolving your grief, when you are ready.
They will provide free therapy for 13 months to support you through "the year of firsts," birthdays, holidays, etc.
Hospice might well also have a group you can join.
Sending you hugs. Please be gentle with yourself. There is no timeline for grieving, and the stages of grief are not linear.
Be good to yourself. Grieving is hard work, physically, as well as psychologically, and emotionally.
The loss of one's child is the worst pain. I am so sorry.
You make it clear your son already decided he wanted to end his life (third paragraph). He wasn't looking for an excuse as you seem to be taking on in self-blame. He was preparing himself.
Depression is a quagmire. For those suffering it often seems there can be no relief.
Please hold your remaining two kids close. They must be suffering too.
This is such an awful loss.
I hope you have help. We are here if you feel like reaching out.
I’m literally sitting here crying for you and your son. There is nothing I can do or say…just know people here at DU care so very much.
I lost my son to suicide 6 years ago. Here is what I know. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. That'a the big thing. He had more internal pain than he could reasonably deal with. You couldn't help him, no matter what you did. I know that sounds stark and terrible, but he had far more pain than you could see. I know that now about my own child's pain. We all tried, but it wasn't enough. Sometimes they get in a dark place and we can't love them out of it. Sadly, love isn't always enough. Professional help is often what's needed, and they can't see it, or sometimes can't get to it soon enough, which is what happened to my son. Your son is free of his pain now, but what he can't see is the pain he left you with. That's the hard part. Forgive yourself. You tried.
Holding you close.
Depression doesn’t allow a person the opportunity to think logically. It’s a disease. It can be fatal.
You didn’t give him the reason, depression did. For now, your grief is very strong, give yourself time. Self recriminations won’t bring him back and won’t give you the opportunity to heal.
Please be kind to yourself. Sending you love and hugs.
Unfathomable what you must be going through.
We aren’t perfect and you can’t beat yourself up so much about what you said or didn’t say, sweetheart. You didn’t KNOW what was going on behind the scenes, and if you did, you would’ve acted accordingly, right? You. Didn’t. Know. and you are human and were in pain, yourself. Give yourself that break, that condolence.
When most people are depressed they don’t reach out, and don’t necessarily share even when asked. So loved ones don’t know the extent of the thinking distortions/self-blame that are bothering them. Your son’s note doesn’t say anything about your family making him feel unworthy. I’m not a shrink but it seems like he was focusing on what was happening inside himself. And how unusually considerate to include a HAZMAT warning, that seems like a generous, loving act.
I hope you and your husband can find a way to deeply support each other through this shared grief. Wishing you comfort as you work your way through all this.
Good to reach out here on DU. People care.
I don't presume to know you, but I feel from what you've said, that you loved him with all your heart.
He knew you loved him.
Our adult children's lives are not within our control. Taking one’s life is not a rational decision; but it was his life, his death. In that moment he just wanted to end his pain. Nothing you said or did would have changed his mind. Forgive yourself.
As you live one hour and day at a time, depending on where you live you'll likely find a support group in your area. Even online (the internet's good side) there are many for those who've lost children to suicide. Online support is more widely accessible and available any time of the day; often the nights are the worst, but help and solace are there. May you find your way through your grief and suffering, though it now seems impossible.
my husband and I lost his son in 2019 to suicide and my husband just passed away 2 months ago... guilt is unfortunately normal although not productive... do what you must to take care of yourself (no you don't have to be 'strong' for the other kids- they will understand)
talk about your son, your feelings, your concerns to everyone who will listen and let people help
Be kind to yourself
I hold you in love.
i know two moms who have gone through what you are going through.
you are not alone in this experience. a support group may provide some guidance
i'm so sorry.
i can't imagine your heartache.
I have a friend whose 20 something son took his own life about three years ago. His birthday is in January, and I have just been through communicating with her about the memory of him on the anniversary of his birth. She also lost her other son, many, many years ago, about a month after he was born. She still remembers him and feels the pain of losing him, too.
I've just finished reading Jamie Raskin's book and told her about it. Her words? She thinks it's too soon, that she won't be able to handle reading it. There is no timetable for handling grief. I can tell you, though, that Jamie Raskin mentions in his book that he started zooming with a grief therapist, weekly, not long after his son's death and that it has helped him a lot.
He also says that with the benefit of hindsight, he believes that his son had been planning his suicide for some time. You are not responsible for his decision. It is not your fault. You didn't do the research, buy the chemicals, or consume them. It was his decision.
Yes, I agree with you that you will never be the same. But you will learn how to live with it. And part of how you will do that is to talk about your son. Remember him. Cherish the memories and never let go of having loved him.
You know that all of us here are surrounding you with love and hugs? And as Skittles says, there is always somebody here at DU when you want to talk.
Please be kind to yourself.
For your boy...
❤
Thank you.
I can’t say anything that will ease your pain but know this: It’s not your fault. Your son knew how much you loved him but his brain didn’t allow him to see a way out. Be good to yourself and know that there’s always someone hear to talk to.
My 21-year-old daughter was killed in 2001. I have a glimpse of your pain.
This is very, very new. I hurt for you.
Please be as kind to yourself as you can. If you would like to DM me, call anytime, please do. If I can help you in any small way to get through this, that is what I want to do.
I am so deeply sorry for you and all his loved ones.
I'm going to tell you first......IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I understand you feel guilt but people don't kill themselves because you did something....he suffered from depression, likely battled with it for some time and it overwhelmed him. No doubt he had long considered suicide as an option to end his pain. It is well-known that the holiday season can be very hard on those who cannot feel true happiness.
I don't have kids and cannot even imagine your pain, but I do know the angst of a loved one's suicide. My dad shot himself in the head and lived for six days - the third day was my birthday. All I can tell you is the old adage "Time heals all wounds" is NOT true.....but certainly, only time can make it easier to bear.
PLEASE try to talk to a grief counselor, for your own sake for for your other kids. All you can do now is carry on. And remember someone is always here on DU, we care.
I've lost three close family members to suicide: my aunt in 1981, my brother in 1996, and my nephew in 2014. Suicide leaves most people with "survivor's guilt", a feeling that had they known, they could have done something to prevent the suicide. Had the person who died died from lung cancer, you would still be deeply hurt and grieving, but you wouldn't feel guilt because you didn't make the person quit smoking, e.g. .
The only advice I can give you is to tell you that it's OK to feel how you feel, be it sad, be it angry, be it bewildered, etc., but DON'T blame yourself. Surround yourself with people who love and support you and please talk to a professional and get grief counseling-- it works. While you can never "get over it", like some people think, you can get through it. Your grief will always be there, but it won't be crippling and self-destructive.
I wish I could put my arms around you and hold you while you just let go, I can't. What I can do is tell you that your feelings are normal, and millions of us know the pain that goes with suicide. Sending you a virtual hug!
I can't even begin to imagine the types of emotions this has sent churning through you, can't even begin to say I can understand, because I just can't. I was holding my own breath as I read your post.
However, it really wasn't your fault. I know it will take a long, long time to internalize that, but it's true. I know it's going to be a long road ahead, and I'm sending wishes that you find yourself in that place sooner rather than later, that in the meantime there are people and events in your life that bring you closer to peace of mind, body and soul. Please look for and embrace them.
... you must not blame yourself. It's normal... you're going through normal emotions. Everyone thinks they are responsible and could have done something different. That may be true, but it was his decision, in the end. You can find a support group for suicide families. You can forgive your son... and all those he left behind.
When someone takes their own life they are not thinking rationally. It is almost like my grandmother who was mentally ill and thought the neighbors were tunneling under her house so they could hurt her. It didn't make sense to anyone but her and she was convinced of it.
And I know that when someone takes their own life EVERYONE FEELS GUILTY. Everyone thinks of things that they did that were "the cause" It would be good to talk to your other children to make sure they are not going down that road of crazy thinking also.
An then I would definitely get myself into a group from Hospice or for parents of suicide. Talking with others who have been through the same thing would help a lot.
I know this is a horrible time in your life. Probably the worst it will ever be.
And if you want my spiritual/philosophical thought it is this: Every single person comes to the earth at the exact time they are supposed to and they leave the earth at the exact time they are supposed to. And, I believe the reason for that is too big for me to understand but also that it is Divine and good.
I apologize if I sound like I'm giving you a sermon. Know that just like everyone else here it is because I care and I am terribly sorry for the pain you are going through.
May you find solace in your memory of him from happier times.
Everyone needs their own time for grieving, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
You'll always love your son and miss him, but someday - eventually - the pain will become bearable.
And I got to talk to his father and he had some of the same thoughts. He blamed himself for months
You don’t need to forgive yourself because you didn’t do anything wrong.
He was already planning it. And it could have anyone or anything to set it off.
Much love to you and your family.
I have not gone public with this here on DU before, but I will now.
I lost my younger son to suicide in 2017. He was 30 years old. He'd been struggling with depression for some years, and planned ahead. He actually wrote a suicide note four months before he actually did it.
He took some sort of overdose, which he also obtained via the internet. Fortunately, there was no HAZMAT to worry about.
I'll add this: I am very glad that he didn't do something messy like a gun. Nor did he jump off a bridge (he lived in Portland, OR, lots of possibilities there) so that we'd never really know what happened. He had a normal final night of his life, going to a bar and having a couple of beers with a friend, then came home and took the overdose.
I am incredibly fortunate that the night before he took his life he called me and we talked for well over an hour, probably the longest phone conversation we'd ever had. We talked about lots of things. He expressed regret over the failure of a particular relationship in his life. I forget other stuff. I wish I could have said something that would have made him stay, but that wasn't possible. I realized much later he was saying goodbye to me, without overtly saying so. I'm lucky in that last conversation our final words to each other were "I love you."
I know what you are going through. I can tell you that you will never not miss him, will never not feel sad that he's gone, will never stop having outbreaks of grief for him. You will spend the rest of your life wondering where he might be now. That's okay.
I agree with those who say it is not your fault, what you said did not make a difference, not really. He was planning to do this, had thought it out carefully. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
I happen to have strong spiritual beliefs that include my seeing him again eventually. If you have any spiritual/religious beliefs, I hope they bring you some degree of comfort. I mean that.
I will add this. We (meaning my ex and I) learned about his death on Facebook, because one of his cousins had gone to his page and had seen postings from his friends who'd learned about it. That sounds much worse than it really is. His roommate had tried calling me a couple of times that day (roommate had the unfortunate and unpleasant duty of finding him) to let me know, but never left a message. When the cousin called my ex, he looked at FB, then called me. Yes, it was shocking, but it was better than not knowing for several days.
Also, thanks to FB there was a truly joyous celebration of his life in Portland, OR, where he'd lived the last 6 or 7 years of his life. Without FB, it would have been years, literally years before all who knew him could find out. As it is, an exchange student from Ireland whom my son had known when he was a freshman and the other guy a senior in college, only recently looked at my son's FB page and learned the news. He posted something kind, and I was able to respond to him. This is why I push back at those who trash FB. It really does have its place.
I know that right now you are pretty much in the worst place you are going to be. I don't know if I can say it will get better, but I think I can say that it well get easier. The immediacy of this grief will diminish. Your life will go on.
I have one other son, otherwise known as My Son The Astronomer here on DU. As sad as I am to lose the one son, I'm even sadder that the other one lost his only brother.
Hugs and much love to you.
From your DU family.
my heart aches and breaks with and for you …
my virtual arms are around you … wishing they could actually do so … ((((((((hug))))))))
I can only hope your pain becomes bearable
I was thinking of all the things I could have said or done that might have saved him. That night, when he phoned me, he said something strange, and for a moment I thought I should drive out there and sit with him. But then I said to myself, "He's blackout drunk. He won't even remember if I go over there tonight. I'll talk to him after he's sobered up tomorrow." The next phone call I got was from the hospital.
The most helpful thing was when someone said, "You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time."
That was more helpful than telling me I did the best anyone could have done, or that nothing I said or did would have changed the outcome.
You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. The grief will still be with you, of course, but it helps take away the guilt. I am sure from this distance that nothing you said or did pushed him over the edge, but even if I am wrong, you love your son and you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.
…as DUers seek to comfort and support you. I hope some of it will help.
It’s natural to want to make sense of a situation that has no answers. It’s very likely that you are not the answer or reason either.
Give yourself a break.
