The Onion: Moments Leading Up To Romney's Concession Most Likely Hilarious

[Adenoid_Hynkel]

BOSTON—Sources are confirming that the moments leading up to Mitt Romney’s concession speech last night—from the expression on his face the second he realized he was going to lose, to the brief sigh he probably let out before walking onstage—were all more than likely pretty hilarious. “I’m not trying to be mean or anything, but it’s kind of funny to imagine a 65-year-old man watching television, desperately hoping for something to go his way, learning it’s not going to happen, and then just sitting there face forward while the rest of the room goes silent around him,” Ohio resident Bret Foss told reporters, adding that the thought of a campaign aide putting his hand on Romney’s shoulder and solemnly telling the former governor that it was all over just makes him laugh for some reason.

“Maybe it’s because the stakes were so high, but something about Mitt Romney hurriedly cobbling together a concession speech with one of his writers and then standing backstage all by himself as he waits for his cue to go on really cracks me up.” Foss added that while it may make him sick in the head, he chuckles every time he thinks about the intense private moment Romney and his wife probably shared before he officially called the president to concede.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/moments-leading-up-to-romneys-concession-most-like,30295/

[aletier_v]

1. I think Romney's voice was hoarse from screaming at God

[NightOwwl]

2. Lives Of Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Eric Cantor Retain Meaning

WASHINGTON—Following the president’s reelection Tuesday, top Republicans Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, and Eric Cantor expressed relief, saying the primary purpose of their lives—to stymie, irritate, and confound President Obama at every turn—had not been taken away from them. “Had Barack Obama lost his occupation, then we too would have lost ours,” said Sen. McConnell (R-KY), calling an existence in which he doesn’t wake up every morning and figure out ways to systematically block the president’s agenda an empty one. “Tomorrow, I will go to the Capitol building and immediately say that Republicans are unable to work with the president if he wants to raise taxes on the wealthy. That’s a life worth living. That’s a life where I feel like I’m actually contributing something to society.” Cantor and Boehner said they were thankful not to have ended up like Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who committed suicide after the first presidential debate, when it appeared as if Mitt Romney might win the election.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/lives-of-mitch-mcconnell-john-boehner-eric-cantor,30290/

[ret5hd]

3. Ann: You waste of godhood! Don't speak to me!

Mitt: Honey babe...

A: I said don't speak to me! You BLEW it! You know that, right?!?!?! You BLEW it!!!

M: Honey,you have to understand...

A: SHUTUP, you useless twit! You had it it in your hands!!! He' s a goddamned N----R goddamn it!!!! And you couldn't beat a goddamned N----R! You useless piece of goddamned godhood!

M: You understand it didn't help when you called my sanity into question, don't you? I mean, what were you thinking???

A: Was I wrong? Was I WRONG!?!? You tied the goddamned DOG to the car! And told people about it!!!

M: Honey, I' SORRY! We've been over this time and again! I don't know what went wrong!!!

etc etc etc

(please, tell me how far off you think i am)

[Adenoid_Hynkel]

4. I imagine Anntoinette threw a lamp at Willard

"You made me touch poor people! You said I would be queen!"