Seeing The Feminist Light: An Ex-MRA Tells His Story

[seabeyond]

Feminists Wanted More Than Equality

For much of my adult life, I had always misunderstood feminism, and as a consequence was deeply opposed to it. I spurned, turned my nose up at feminism, at their stories, articles or opinions. It was all “man-hating, misandric feminazi” bullshit. Feminists were the bigots, only interested in their own entitlements at the expense of men; they wanted to make women more equal then men. It was easy to spot too; all you had to do was look around, see the perks women got, were entitled to as a result of feminism. See how men were undermined, made to feel guilty for being male. From job entitlements; family laws and rights; expectation of men to protect and serve women financially and emotionally, to disparity in suicide rates of men; male healthcare; and the increasing number of girls outperforming boys in education. It was clear men were under attack from all fronts. It was clear women were getting help and a ‘leg up’ in every walk of society, while boys and men were being left behind in a wake of guilt and oppression. A simplistic way of looking at things, but simplistic is always the first way to look at something, because it’s easy; because it can avoid getting to the real route of the problem and acknowledging anything to do with privilege. I mean, hey, feminists just wanted equality added to still receiving the perks of chivalry; they wanted more than equality.

*

Feminism Was to Blame For Destructive Male Stereotypes

You could see misandry in the media too, just take a look at advertisements on the TV, men were always made to look ridiculous, against a wise and in control woman – men were made to feel stupid and incompetent. Yet that was acceptable, as was violence against men perpetrated by women; I’d argue “could you imagine if the gender roles were reversed, they’d never allow that” and I’d naturally blame feminism for it. The “lets throw rocks at boys” t-shirt debate was feminism’s fault: man-hating at its worst. Look at how men’s bodies were objectified in adverts and on TV, whereas the same objectification of women would always be met with opposition from feminists. I’d argue how misandric programmes like ‘Loose Women’ were allowed; yet anything male orientated would never be allowed. I hadn’t bought a ‘lad’s magazine’ for a fair few years, but I always defended their existence, again countering any feminist argument against them with “what about female magazines that have half naked or naked men in them.” Any articles or columns in newspapers or magazines slightly alluding to making women’s rights an issue was simply “feminist bullshit”, even if, deep down, I may have agreed with it; my hatred was stronger than my reasoning. To me, it was one rule for women, and another entirely different and unfair rule for men. Feminism’s fault, entirely. It was so obvious.

*

Realising That Patriarchy Damages Men As Well As Women

I understand now how patriarchy works, how the gender roles it creates cause much of the damage men blame on feminism. The idea that men are stronger, wiser and should provide for women is a patriarchal belief, not a feminist belief. Feminism fights these gender roles. The idea that women are ‘homemakers’ (with no other choice) and men go out to work while the woman raises the family is patriarchy. The old MRA/anti-feminist argument of feminists wanting chivalry along with equal rights falls apart when you examine where chivalry came from. The best argument they usually use is the “women and children first” as their example of chivalry; usually from that of a sinking ship. The myth is that it was maritime law, and that it was used to benefit women. Its most famous and last occurrence was its use on the Titanic. It actually started from HMS Birkenhead, and was called the ‘Birkenhead Drill’ and kept by men as tradition as “the distinguished thing for men to do”. So in fact it wasn’t a result of women’s wishes or feminists, men created it in a patriarchal society, upholding gender roles. Men were stronger and therefore were there to protect women, as they were incapable of looking after themselves. Once again, feminism fights this patriarchy and its out-dated gender assumptions.

MRAs try to claim they fight for fathers’ rights too. This is the biggest myth of all. Courts still favour women in custody battles because patriarchy makes women the primary carer; and men next to irrelevant when it comes to raising a family. It is once again patriarchy that causes this discrimination, and something that feminism fights against. MRAs fighting against feminism results in upholding patriarchy and its gender roles; it therefore actually fights against fathers’ rights. But then, that’s not really surprising: MRAs are anti-feminists and nothing more. They are set up solely to undermine feminism and are nothing more than a hate group. If MRAs were actually fighting for men’s rights, they’d be called something else: they’d be called feminists!


http://en.paperblog.com/seeing-the-feminist-light-an-ex-mra-tells-his-story-277869/




this is such a good story. it is a long read. but, all of it is worth the read. it is good from every perspective. to see how all this is created from one persons eyes. i imagine with this one individual, he is really talking about the majority.

[redqueen]

1. I bet he used to think 'patriarchy' was synonymous with 'men', too!

This is flipping fantastic. Gives me hope for the future.

These parts stood out for me:

I also subscribed to the idea of the “friendzone” – a myth that almost every male I know still believes. It is a patriarchal belief that, if a man is respectful, friendly and genuine with a woman, that woman, by default, should be sexually/romantically interested in the man. Any rejection is called “friendzoning”. A man showing the same degree of friendliness he would fellow male friends is ‘owed’ by women. And the payment should be in the form of sex. I have been guilty of using the friendzone terminology to explain rejection, when of course the reality was that the woman valued my friendship more. And lest we forget, under patriarchal gender roles and the shadow of male privilege, rejection is something to be ashamed of –not ‘man’ enough.

But more alarmingly, we see certain news stories gaining more publicity than others, especially rape stories. I remember on a few occasions reading about false rape claims, especially those involving footballers. These get main headlines and front pages, and results in men thinking false rape claims are commonplace; and that victims are to blame or are lying. That’s not even touching on lad’s mags. At one time, I’d have defended their right to exist; now I think at minimum they should have an adult age limit or just not be printed at all. They serve no purpose other than to perpetuate misogyny. I used to buy the odd few as a teenager, and although I never really thought they had an effect on the way I thought, perhaps they did. Subtly it would make me objectify women, to see them as purely objects. It is also full of reinforcing gender stereotypes and roles for both men and women; damaging to young minds still growing and developing.

So much good stuff in this. Thanks for posting it.

[seabeyond]

2. so much good stuff. and almost all of it what we hear repeatedly here on du

from some men, and how they see things. this man laid it all out very well.

though long, it needed to be.

[redqueen]

4. Yep, it's good to see that he had no difficulty recognizing that those are MRA views. nt

[Blue_Tires]

10. Good point about the friendzone

Last edited Thu Sep 27, 2012, 11:22 AM - Edit history (1)

I've definitely fallen into that thinking on a number of occasions...

He's also right about the "humiliation" of rejection...

[MuseRider]

3. Bookmarked.

Thank you, this should be very helpful.

[MadrasT]

5. Bookmarked, rec'd, thank you.

A little ray of hope that while it's an uphill battle, progress is possible.

[ismnotwasm]

6. I've never read anything quite like this

I've read a few 'awakenings' or whatever by male authors, none having the same tone of sincerity. He was wordy yes, but not full of himself, he didn't over-intellectualize--he simply told his story.

I love, love, love that he came though this seeing white privilege first, sometimes I think acknowledging privilege and understanding what privilege is, is the first step to true raised social awareness; somebody once said I forget who something to the effect that everybody has privilege, it's a matter of what and how much

I used to subscribe to a feminist philosophy quarterly called "Hypatia" one containing my favorites essays concerns white privilege and feminism. ( I should resubscribe, I never make time for philosophy anymore except rereading 'The Second Sex')

I'm pretty much blown away, I've bookmarked this as well and I thank you for posting it.

[seabeyond]

7. you are welcome. and you are right.

i loved how he took the time to step thru all the phases just explaining. and it is so normal.

[CrispyQ]

8. Marking for later. -nt

[MuseRider]

9. Really nice.

I would have read more if he had written it.

Life story, very informative. I like the way he was able to relate privilege. It is so important to do so, it is all the same. Patriarchy is not all about men Nice to see that supported.

Thank you for this. It is a keeper.

[redqueen]

11. I love this.

Just felt like it deserved a kick.

[seabeyond]

12. i did too. i wish more would read, think, discuss, explore. nt