Here's the Backlash You Can Expect for Blogging About Gender Norms

[ismnotwasm]

"Sometimes the lights all shinning on me..Other times I can barely see...lately it's occurred to me.... What a long, strange trip it's been"--The Grateful Dead. I think I'll make it my sig line, because, you know, I'm so there right now.

The moment I hear Barbara Walters say my name on national TV, I realize I’ve been waiting my whole life to hear her say my name on national TV. She prefaces it with novelist and explains that I’ve written an op-ed piece for the New York Times, and for a few perfect seconds, I actually feel like the accomplished women she’s describing to her colleagues on The View. It’s a remarkably giddy sensation.

And then thud—Joy Behar speaks: “She needs to mind her own business.”

The she in question is me, and the business is how we raise little boys. In a parenting blog for the Times, I’d put forth the idea that we shouldn’t teach little boys gender-based etiquette such as letting ladies go first. I said we should teach them to be kind to all people, to respect all people, to extend courtesy to all people. The issue had arisen in our house because my 4-year-old son had been told by his preschool teacher that a gentleman lets girls go first. I didn’t agree with the philosophy and instead thought that such behavior taught boys to treat girls differently and instilled in girls a sense of entitlement for the wrong things. So assuming it was my business, I wrote about it.

What I didn't expect was for the outcry to be over something I never actually said—for people to read that I want to raise my son to treat men and women equally and take that to mean I intend to raise a callous brute who will mistreat women. I didn't expect people to willfully misunderstand my point in order to support their own agendas. And even if I had been clever enough to anticipate all that, I would never have expected the dissent to be expressed with such vitriol. That an article that calls for common courtesy for everyone incited so much discourtesy, especially from men insisting that women deserve a special kind of respect, is sublime, if not appalling, irony.

http://bitchmagazine.org/post/heres-the-backlash-you-can-expect-for-blogging-about-gender-norms

[redqueen]

1. I loved her piece.

This made me think, is she paying any attention?

But I don’t think it’s an overreaction to resent the fact that your son is being given an extra set of rules to follow simply because he’s a boy. His behavior, already constrained by a series of societal norms, now has additional restrictions. Worse than that, he’s actively being taught to treat girls differently, something I thought we all agreed to stop doing, like, three decades ago. That the concept of selective privilege has been introduced in preschool of all places — the inner sanctum of fair play, the high temple of taking turns — is mind-boggling to me. How can you preach the ethos of sharing at the dramatic play center and ignore it 20 feet away at the toilet?

Then I read this, and I was all

.

.. we are still insisting on empty courtesies that instill in women a sense of entitlement for meaningless things. Many women see gallantry as one of the benefits of their sex; I see it as one of its consolations.

Letting girls use the bathroom first isn’t a show of respect. It is, rather, the first brick in the super high pedestal that allows men to exalt women out of sight. A true show of respect is paying us equally for the same work, not 77 cents on the dollar, which is the current average. That’s the world I want my son to live in and I seriously doubt it will ever happen as long as women believe men should hold the door open for them.

Global economic considerations aside, the real tragedy is that these girls aren’t being taught the fine art of yielding to others. Nobody is giving them the opportunity to be gallant. Instead, these fabulous little creatures, who absorb everything joyfully and tear through barriers gleefully, are being fitted for the same old corset. The stays are a little looser but the whalebone is just as rigid.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/01/10/i-dont-want-my-preschooler-to-be-a-gentleman/

[ismnotwasm]

2. Exalt us

And when we don't fit up to impossible standards--the height of which in the patriarchy seems to be really good at pole dancing--- tear us down.

Common courtesy,---lets take my work place: we have Heath care professionals of all type thundering up and down the stairs, ( not the elevators, far to slow) the residents tend to travel in what I call 'herds' In certain circumstances, I'll keep the door open for them and get out of their way.

Almost all of us give the door a little extra 'push' so the next person(s) can grab it before it closes. It's courtesy in a hurry and has nothing to do with status or gender.

[seabeyond]

3. that mom needs to just keep on, keeping on. raising two boys, i had to address a lot of these issues

and more. if they do not see an honest balance and explanations and understanding of what a parent is preaching, they will reject it all. gotta stay true. and it will make so much sense.

i wonder when a mom is interacting with her son in a parenting way if it is considered "changing" who men are????