I’ll Stop Citing a Boyfriend When My Consent Starts Mattering

[redqueen]

Before I started dating, I knew and listened to a lot of men. One of their biggest complaints was that women aren’t honest or straightforward enough. “Why don’t women just say no?” they lamented. “I waste all this time pursuing women who don’t want me because I don’t know for sure that they don’t want me!”

It sounded right to me. I believe in honesty, straightforwardness, and directness. I believe in telling people the truth and communicating how you feel as clearly as possible. It seemed absurd to me that all these women weren’t just saying no when no was what they meant. Sentiments like those found in this article, which was posted to xoJane and made the rounds yesterday, could’ve been snatched from my lips in those days.

I think the solution is simple —we simply stop using excuses. If a man is coming on to you (and you are not interested —if you are, go for it, girl!), respond with something like this: “I’m not interested.” Don’t apologize and don’t excuse yourself. If they question your response (which is likely), persist —“No, I said I’m not interested.”

Just be honest and all will work out better, right?

You guessed it: wrong. It’s not always so simple for all women.

...

Honesty is only the best policy when it’s a two-way street, when your word is fully accepted as honest by the other person. In the case of some men with some women, such is hardly the reality of the situation. Feminist theory is all fine and well until, say, there’s a man much larger and stronger than you trying to grab your shoulders and force you to kiss him.

...

http://skepchick.org/2013/09/boyfriend/

[Warpy]

1. A lot of women learn to dissemble

because men don't take being turned down kindly. The worst jackasses start talking loudly to their buddies about "that lesbo over there," as though sexual orientation would be the only reason a mere woman would dare forgo a prize package such as himself. Others are like the ones in the article, taking it as a challenge. A tiny minority get violent.

I grew adept in my late teens at flipping a ring around so it would look like a wedding band because that is the only thing men on the prowl have a chance of taking seriously, the prospect of having another man beat the hell out of them for encroaching on his property.

Most women would love to be honest and have it taken seriously. Men could just scout around for another potential night of ecstasy with someone else and everybody would go home happy.

Not being listened to as human beings is infuriating at best. And no, Madame de Beauvoir, we're not doing it to ourselves. We adapt to it in order to survive.

[redqueen]

2. "... we're not doing it to ourselves. We adapt to it in order to survive."

Yep.

But hell, even if its just so we can fucking enjoy our night and not have to offer feminism 101 courses to every drunken asshole who doesn't know the meaning of the word 'no', that's our right. What are the odds any of those types learns anything from those nightclub lectures?

Hmm, that reminds me of something else I wanted to share here.

[ismnotwasm]

3. That's why I love the whole 'creeper' meme

I was actually explaining it to a group of young women who spent less time on the general Internet than I do (not counting Facebook) they were like 'yeah, that's a good way of putting it'

This behavior from men is not acceptable; it's creepy and weird.