October 29, 2020

Kavanaugh Supports Cutoff For Vote-Counting But Not for Drinking

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an opinion that sparked controversy in legal circles, Brett Kavanaugh wrote that there should be a cutoff for vote-counting but not for drinking.

The Supreme Court Justice wrote that, while ballots received after midnight on Election Night should not be counted, drink orders placed after closing time at a bar should always be honored.

“While the Constitution does not guarantee the right to vote, it clearly enshrines the right to drink,” Kavanaugh wrote. “If a patron is seated at a bar at midnight, drinking should be allowed to continue for hours, if not days, until drinking has been completed.”

Kavanaugh added that there is “no scenario in which it would be right to cut a drinker off.”

“If, for example, a drinker is at a bar after a UB40 concert and some other dudes start dissing UB40, and the dude—the first one—starts punching the other dudes, cutting off that dude would be bogus,” he wrote, adding, “UB40 is the best band evahhhh!”


Short article, no more at link: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/kavanaugh-supports-cutoff-for-vote-counting-but-not-for-drinking


Photograph from Shutterstock

October 29, 2020

Trump Tells Stranded Omaha Supporters That Buses Are Rounding the Turn

OMAHA (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump told supporters who were stranded in freezing temperatures when campaign buses failed to materialize on Tuesday night that the buses were “rounding the turn.”

“The buses will be there very soon,” Trump said. “We are moving very powerfully on buses.”

“One minute, there are no buses, and then, suddenly, like magic, there are buses,” he said. “It’ll be a miracle.”

Trump blasted the media for criticizing the absence of buses instead of emphasizing the “fantastic job I’ve done on buses.”

“The other day, a very smart and respected man called me, and said, ‘Sir, you have the most amazing buses,’ ” Trump said. “But CNN doesn’t report that, because they are horrible people.”

On Wednesday morning, the Trump campaign Web site added to the list of the President’s first-term accomplishments: “Buses.”


Short article, no more at link: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-tells-stranded-omaha-supporters-that-buses-are-rounding-the-turn



Photograph by Steve Pope / Getty

October 29, 2020

Stephen Colbert - Guest Elvis Costello Reads The Lyrics To The Perfect Song For A Trump Rally

Elvis Costello has been spending his time in quarantine writing and recording music, including these lyrics he reads to Stephen when asked which of his songs would be a fitting tune for a Trump rally. Hear more of Elvis Costello on his new album, "Hey Clockface."




Elvis Costello "Hey Clockface / How Can You Face Me" featuring Jon Batiste



After a riveting conversation about Elvis's experiences in quarantine and his thoughts on America's political situation, Stephen Colbert delights in introducing this performance featuring a collaboration between Elvis Costello and Jon Batiste on a song from the new album "Hey Clockface."




Elvis Costello "Party Girl" featuring Jon Batiste



Stephen's friend Elvis Costello makes his return to A Late Show to talk about his new album "Hey Clockface." Here's Elvis collaborating with the amazing Jon Batiste for a performance of "Party Girl" from the new album which is available this Friday, October 30th!

October 29, 2020

Stephen Colbert - "A Relic Of The Old South" - Guest Jaime Harrison On Sen. Lindsey Graham

Jaime Harrison is running for Senate in South Carolina and he believes that by electing him to replace Lindsey Graham, South Carolina can write a brand new history for the South.

October 29, 2020

Stephen Colbert - Monologue and Opening - 10/28/20

Ending The Coronavirus Pandemic Is NOT One Of Donald Trump's Accomplishments



With infections and hospitalizations spiking across the country, the United States is clearly a long way from ending the Covid-19 pandemic. But the White House seems to think a nonsensical press release will make Americans believe otherwise.




The GOP's Voter Suppression Efforts Are Inherently Evil



Confounded by the fact that dozens of states are actively moving to suppress the vote, Stephen looks for answers from Republican election strategist and founder of an evil terrorist organization, Cobra Commander.




Marty McFly and Doc mistake 2020 for the 1950s



Marty McFly and Doc think the DeLorean landed them in the 1950s instead of 2020 after listening in on a Trump rally.




Elsa Was Among Those Stranded In The Freezing Cold At At Trump's Omaha Rally



Stuck outside in freezing temperatures with nowhere to go, Elsa sang about her lousy Trump rally experience.

October 29, 2020

Seth Meyers - Trump and Brett Kavanaugh Telegraph Their Plan to Steal the Election: A Closer Look

Seth takes a closer look at President Trump whining about the media’s coverage of COVID-19 and signaling his intent to steal the election through the Supreme Court.


Late Night with Seth Meyers is supporting God’s Love We Deliver to help those in need during the COVID-19 pandemic. God’s Love We Deliver is a New York City-based organization that for over 30 years has provided personalized meals and nutrition counseling, free of charge, to those living with severe illnesses. With the help of 17,000 volunteers, God’s Love We Deliver provides over 2 million free meals each year to thousands of New York’s most vulnerable. Click the button on the above/below to donate or visit www.glwd.org.

October 29, 2020

Seth Meyers: Guest Cindy McCain Reveals Why She Supports Joe Biden

Cindy McCain reveals how she met her late husband John McCain, explains the close bond between her and Joe Biden’s families and reminisces about her 2008 cameo on SNL.

October 29, 2020

Seth Meyers - Judge Amy Coney Barrett Confirmed to the Supreme Court - Monologue 10/27/20

Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: Disney+ Racism Warning, Lesbian Vampire Series



There are some jokes that just sound wrong coming from Seth, like the one about Kate Winslet and Saoirse Ronan playing lovers in a new movie.

October 29, 2020

The Daily Social Distancing Show: Are Undecided Voters Really Undecided?

Desi Lydic sits down with undecided voters to find out why they can’t make up their minds and chats with election forecaster Rachel Bitecofer to learn if being undecided really matters.


To help World Central Kitchen serve food to people in voting lines, especially in underserved Black and Brown communities where voting lines are historically longer, go to https://dailyshow.com/chefsforthepolls

October 29, 2020

The Daily Social Distancing Show - Counting Down Donald Trump's 100 Most Tremendous Scandals: 50-26

In the third installment of our series counting down Trump’s most tremendous scandals, Roy Wood Jr. examines Trump’s failure to condemn white supremacy, his hush money payments to porn stars and Playboy models, and much more.


To help World Central Kitchen serve food to people in voting lines, especially in underserved Black and Brown communities where voting lines are historically longer, go to https://dailyshow.com/chefsforthepolls