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Tommy Carcetti

Tommy Carcetti's Journal
Tommy Carcetti's Journal
March 26, 2018

PART ONE: Assessing Russian propogandist Konstantin Rykov's pro-Trump "confession"

***NOTE: THIS IS A LONG READ (perhaps my longest post ever at DU) BUT ONE I THINK IS WELL WORTH IT***

Last July, in the midst of searching for some other interesting Trump connections, I stumbled across what could only be described as an astonishing piece on Facebook:

https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029322103

In short, it was a boastful confession just days after the November 2016 elections from a Russian named Konstantin Rykov, claiming that over the course of four years, he helped develop an online campaign from Russia with one goal in mind: to get Donald Trump elected as the US President.

Here are screencaps of the confession, translated into English from the original Russian:






The way Rykov describes it, it's almost literally too unbelievable and too crazy to be true. The claim that he supposedly received a Twitter message on Election Day 2012 encouraging him to engage in this massive effort to get Donald Trump stretches the limits of credibility.

However, as the Mueller investigation has progressed, and we have learned more and more about intelligence findings as to how Russia was working behind the scenes with entities such as Wikileaks and Cambridge Analytica to shift the electoral landscape in favor of Trump, there are portions of Rykov's confession which definitely seem to have been confirmed by the facts around us.

I wanted to take a little time to analyze Rykov's claims and see how they jive against the facts and what we know and have recently learned. Because Rykov's confession offers so much, I figured I would break up my analysis into at least three parts, with the first part focusing on who Rykov is, the second about his seemingly wild, fantastical tale about Election Day 2012, and the third part his description of the scheme itself in the face of what we now know.

In a December 2017 profile of attorney turned Twitter pundit Seth Abramson--who has picked up heavily on Rykov's confession--Washington Post writer Avi Selk took a rather skeptical take on the Rykov confession story:


But these facts are sprinkled into his threads with more fantastic sounding claims. Read deep down into Abramson’s Twitter feed and you’ll find what he describes as a “confession” from a “Kremlin agent,” who detailed a five-year plot to help Trump win the election in a public Facebook post.
It’s dramatic stuff. But would those involved in a Kremlin-orchestrated plot to put Trump in the White House really spill the beans unprompted on Facebook?
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-intersect/wp/2017/12/06/people-cant-stop-reading-a-professors-theory-of-a-trump-russia-conspiracy-true-or-not/?utm_term=.fef6a9b93565


However, what's important to recognize about Konstantin Rykov is that he's not just some completely random Russian guy who would have been in no position to run an operation like the one he claims he did. Konstantin Rykov isn't simply the town drunk who rambles on about all the things he claims to have invented and all the famous people he knows.

Rykov's resume reveals that he has some very serious credentials, long before the events he describes in 2012 took place. For example:

* He served as a member of the Russian Duma (the Russian parliament) for Putin's United Russia party from 2007 through 2011

* His presence on the internet had long been known at that point. He had run online PR for numerous political campaigns and candidates, and had also been involved in the creation of various "dark web" websites, most notably Dosug.ru, a sex ap that was once described as "Uber for prostitutes": https://www.dailydot.com/layer8/dosung-dark-net-russian-brothel/

*None less than the Washington Post back in 2007 had specifically identified Rykov as an instrumental player in pushing pro-Kremlin propoganda over social media, as they described in this article "Kremlin Seeks to Extend Its Reach to Cyberspace": http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/27/AR2007102701384.html

*As the 2007 Post article notes, Rykov was the creator of his own online newspaper, Vzglyad ("View" ) and on social media would frequently cite to Vzglyad pieces during the 2016 US Presidential Campaign.

*In 2011 Rykov was invited by the Kremlin to attend a conference for "Internet Community Representatives". The conference was personally hosted by then- Russian President Dmitri Medvedev. In a photo published on the official Kremlin website, Rykov is seen here pictured on the right:



*Also in 2011, Rykov made headlines when his Twitter post calling longtime Putin critic Alexey Navaly (at the time imprisoned) a "cocksucking sheep" was re-tweeted by Medvedev. The incident even caught DU's attention at the time: https://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php/http/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x5082877

*As reported by independent journalist Scott Stedman, Rykov was deemed by Vladimir Putin himself a "trusted confidant" of the Kremlin: https://medium.com/@ScottMStedman/kremlin-propagandist-who-claimed-he-coordinated-with-trump-team-was-previously-appointed-as-putins-2dc5f83298e5

So the notion that Rykov was just some random Russian braggart with no significant connections to either the Kremlin or the workings of the Internet is something that should be immediately be put to bed.

**PLEASE GO TO PART TWO HERE: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100210416302
March 6, 2018

The latest of bizarre and shady pro-Trump social media figures on parade: An0maly

If you've followed any of my postings here on DU over the past 2-3 years, you'll note that I seem to take a keen interest in certain individuals who, notwithstanding their lack of talent or intellectual prowess, have become "internet famous" social media personalities whose punditry is parroted by those on the right as if they are Confucius.

This begun before we really knew the full extent of Russian interference and meddling in the 2016 election. It harkens to the earliest days of Trump as a presidential candidate, back when we all assumed he'd fade away before the most recent season of The Apprentice.

The first such individual was "Gary Forbes", who popped up on my Facebook feed in 2015 when a slide of his laughably proclaimed that Donald Trump had an IQ in the 99.9905490555th percentile. His face subsequently showed up claiming that Trump had received the endorsement of aviation legend Chuck Yeager (he hadn't) and similarly bogus claims. Forbes claimed to be in charge of "The Forbes Group" and said he had an entire staff of volunteers at his disposal working to spread the word about Donald Trump over social media. When the Republican convention approached and some Republicans indicated they had some reservations about nominating Donald Trump as their presidential candidate, Forbes encouraged subscribers of his social media feed to threaten and harass GOP delegates who might get out of line.

Problem was, "Gary Forbes" didn't actually exist. His real name was Gary Pasquariello, and before hawking Donald Trump, he had unsuccessfully attempted careers in self-help book writing, inspirational speaking, and jazzy new age piano playing. "The Forbes Group" wasn't a real corporation, and there was no evidence that any of his supposed staff were real people. Someone was pumping up this guy to push out massive amounts of disinformation on social media about Donald Trump, but at the time I had no clue who it might be.

But "Gary Forbes" wasn't the only absurdly bizarre pro-Trump figure to pop up on social media. You had folks like Kim Dotcom, a fugitive convicted fraudster and shitty part-time EDM deejay, who Sean Hannity insisted held crucial information about the death of DNC staffer Seth Rich. (Predictably, Mr. Dotcom's bombshell evidence never actually materialized, and Hannity was left ranting like the crazy little weasel that he is). Even more sinister as the truth about Russian interference came to light I found out about people like Artem Klyushin and Konstantin Rykov. Klyushin is a wealthy Russian who escorted Donald Trump around Moscow during his 2013 Miss Universe pageant and then began to pimp Trump's presidential aspirations over Twitter long before Trump officially announced. Much like Beetlejuice, if you merely say his name over social media, he'll start following you, like it or not. His good buddy Rykov, a Kremlin-linked propagandist, made a boastful confession over Facebook just days after Trump's election in November 2016 claiming that he had spearheaded a social media campaign from Russia to get Trump elected. His confession included claims that he used Cambridge Analytica data in order to build up "pyschotypes" for gullible potential Trump voters over social media who could be fed information that would influence them to support Trump. You had his partner Maria Katasonova, the glamorous Jennifer Lawrence lookalike who once presented roses to Marine La Pen and starred in her own music video plainly titled, "Russian Hacker."

Lately, I've found that there's been a newcomer to the pro-Trump social media agiprop that's creeped its way onto my social media feeds. He goes by the name "An0maly" and by all indications unlike Dotcom, Klyushin, Rykov and Katasonova, he's a homegrown concern. He's probably most like "Gary Forbes" in that much like Pasquariello, he has an embarrassing awful pre-propaganda career on display. Whereas Pasquariello dabbled in smooth piano, An0maly's claim to fame is that before he was a social media darling whose mission was to spread the word of Donald Trump, he was a rapper.

Just not a very good one. Here, you can see for yourself:



Without saying much more, Chuggo would be done proud.

I first came across Mr. An0maly when it appears that whoever handled the social media account for a winery I liked on Facebook decided to slip in one of his propaganda videos, "Why I support Donald Trump" onto his employer's Facebook account for everyone to see. I'm not going to post that here, but it's all up on Youtube if you are so daring to watch.

My first impulse was to nickname An0maly "Douchebag Jesus" because physically he bore a strong resemblance to the classical European depiction of the bearded Jesus Christ. Except that whereas the actual Jesus was wise and sage, Douchebag Jesus is a annoying Trump loving douchebag whose whiny speaking delivery immediately makes you want to punch him in the face.



But nevermind that. He's a real hardcore genuine rapper, yo, and he's here to deliver a message about his main homeboy Donald J. Trump.

However, unlike "Gary Forbes"--who never personally appeared on any his social media postings beyond a couple of stock photos (thus only adding to his mystique)--An0maly's far from camera shy. And he seems to be coming from a particular angle aimed at what Rykov described as a certain "psychotype".

Basically, An0maly claims he is a former Bernie Sanders supporter and "Ex Democrat" who came to support Trump after the primaries. He'll insist that he doesn't agree with everything Donald Trump stands for, but then proceeds to support everything that Donald Trump stands for. Frequently he'll use his posts to attack the main whipping boy of the right, the "mainstream media." Other times, he'll attack the Russian investigation as a "hoax". He's even gone as far as to criticize military action against the Syrian government. (Are you suspicious yet?)

Interestingly enough, if you see his Facebook feed, peppered amongst all the musings about Donald Trump and attacks against his enemies, he'll put up little new age maxims and inspirational messages that are meaningless but I assume are intended to convey the idea that he has some sort of depth. In some of his video messages, he actually appears next to a statue of Buddha.

Needless to say, I'd be surprised if this guy wasn't receiving material support from underground sources backed by--ahem--certain Eastern European authoritarian regimes. While claiming that the Russians have their fingers over everything on the internet has become almost a cliché, a little known failed rapper hardly strikes mas having the sophistication to pull off this operation on his own.

It all goes back to Rykov's "psychotypes" and a certain targeted segment of the population that the Russian hacking community wants to exploit. You see, An0maly's no bible beating uptight conservative from the heartland. He's a rapper! And he supported Bernie Sanders! And he likes cool new aged stuff! He's hip! He's with it! And he's going to tell you all you need to know about Donald Trump and the Deep State that wants to bring him down!

Whether any of this actual works, I have no idea. But this guy's social media footprint shows that there are people out there still trying to screw with our heads out there.

If this guy An0maly was a nobody, I wouldn't be wasting anyone's time. But his whiny "woke" diatribes have appeared on my own social media feed on numerous occasions. He's got over 400,000 followers on Facebook, 12,000 followers on Twitter, and 13,000 subscribers on Youtube and he's constantly being shared and re-tweeted. If anything, Douchebag Jesus's existence shows that social media is still very much a battlefield where malicious elements and rogue states are still attempting to exploit the thoughts and trends of the American voters, and we should continue to remain vigilant.




February 13, 2018

The most mind-blowing thing about the Trump-Russia collusion was how blatantly obvious it was...

...as it was occurring.

Timothy Snyder is an internationally renown award winning Professor of History at Yale University, and the author of such books as Bloodlands and On Tyranny.

In his column "Trump's Putin Fantasy", Snyder wrote:



It is not hard to see why Trump might choose Putin as his fantasy friend. Putin is the real world version of the person Trump pretends to be on television. Trump’s financial success (such as it is) has been as a New York real estate speculator, a world of private deal-making that can seem rough and tough—until you compare it to the Russia of the 1990s that ultimately produced the Putin regime. Trump presents himself as the maker of a financial empire who is willing to break all the rules, whereas that is what Putin in fact is. Thus far Trump can only verbally abuse his opponents at rallies, whereas Putin’s opponents are assassinated. Thus far Trump can only have his campaign manager rough up journalists he doesn’t like. In Russia some of the best journalists are in fact murdered.

President Putin, who is an intelligent and penetrating judge of men, especially men with masculinity issues, has quickly drawn the correct conclusion. In the past he has done well for himself by recruiting among politicians who exhibit greater vanity than decency, such as Silvio Berlusconi and Gerhard Schröder. The premise of Russian foreign policy to the West is that the rule of law is one big joke; the practice of Russian foreign policy is to find prominent people in the West who agree. Moscow has found such people throughout Europe; until the rise of Trump the idea of an American who would volunteer to be a Kremlin client would have seemed unlikely. Trump represents an unprecedented standard of American servility, and should therefore be cultivated as a future Russian client.

****

Let us imagine the first few weeks of a Trump administration. Most of his domestic agenda will quickly prove illegal, or at least very complicated to implement. He is not a man who has displayed much patience for management. It seems very likely that he would quickly turn abroad for that surge of approval that he seems to find so pleasurable. And there would be no easier way to gain such a feeling than currying favor with Putin. It is so much easier to ignore traditional allies than to cultivate them, and so much easier to ignore aggression than to maintain order. The louche style that Trump seems likely to bring to American foreign policy is all he will need to garner praise from the man he admires. Given what Trump has done thus far, under no stress and with little encouragement, it is terrifying to contemplate what he would do as a frustrated American president looking for love.

http://www.nybooks.com/daily/2016/04/19/trumps-putin-fantasy/



What's most astonishing about Synder's column is its date. It was published April 19, 2016, before Donald Trump was even officially the Republican nominee, let alone the American President.

It was an extraordinary prescient and perceptive piece, and it even picks up on Trump's choice of the now infamous--but then little known--Carter Page as a campaign foreign policy advisor:



More extraordinary still, Trump has indicated, in his selection last month of Carter Page as a foreign policy adviser, that American policy to Europe will be guided by Russian interests. Page, heretofore known as an adviser to Russia’s state gas company, has been among the prominent Americans spreading Russian propaganda about Ukraine’s revolution in 2014 and the Russian invasion that followed. In his writings he has questioned Ukraine’s status as an independent state, which is precisely the line that Moscow took to justify its invasion. He maintains—preposterously—that Ukraine is like Quebec inside a Russia that is like Canada. Quebec is a province and Ukraine is a country. He has referred to Russia’s annexation of Ukraine’s Crimean peninsula, a signal violation of international law, as the “so-called annexation.”



Snyder also managed to point out numerous Russian individuals who were working to curry a relationship between Trump and Russia, including Konstantin Rykov, who would later go on to brag just days after the election that he was the architect behind a massive Russian led social media information campaign--complete with Cambridge Analytica gathered data--to get Donald Trump elected.

But you don't have to be an award-winning historian to have seen all of this unfold in real time. All you needed to have had were eyes that were open enough to see that Trump was brazenly and openly making overtures to the Russian government that were far, far beyond the pale of normal.

It was all done in the open, without any sort of apology.

And yet now in retrospect, Trump and his supporters are seeking to gaslight the nation, claiming that what we thought we saw back then we never saw at all. They have sought to frame the Russia story as a "nothing burger", "fake news" and to repeatedly insist time after time after time that there was "no collusion". They want us all to think that the Trump-Russia story was nothing more than a fever dream concocted sometime after November 8, 2016 by bitter Democrats and liberals in denial of their electoral loss.

And meanwhile, people like Timothy Synder or even Hillary Clinton herself are cast into the role of modern-day Cassandras, people speaking doomful prophecies that were destined to become true, even though no one wanted to believe them at the time.

But it was all going on before our very eyes in the weeks, months and even years before the election. Donald Trump had an active and engaged symbiotic relationship with the Russian government, one that each side was using to forward its own interests. This was not a secret, and many of us watched in horror as it unfolded in real time to the passive disinterest of the American people.

And now history is repeating itself once again, as just as we watched Trump collude with Russia in plain sight, we are now watching Trump attempting to obstruct justice into the investigation of such collusion in plain sight. And far, far too many people are likewise taking that for granted.

We can't afford to be gaslighted once again. The collusion is real. The obstruction is real. And none of this should ever, ever be considered normal.
January 5, 2018

Mueller is coming.




Found this graphic online.

I'm currently fantasizing about plastering copies of it all in front of the White House, Mar a Lago, Bedminister....just about anywhere Trump goes.
November 27, 2017

So it looks like the Konstantin Rykov story has finally begun to get some major traction.

Preface: The purpose of this post is not to toot my own horn....all of this information is public knowledge and the people reporting on it now could have gathered it from any number of sources. However, I will say it does feel damn good to see this story beginning to see the light of day for everyone to see, and we can only hope more sources look into it and pick it up if it seems to be bonafide.


Back in July, I stumbled across the Facebook page of Konstantin Rykov, a former member of the Russian Duma for Putin's United Russia party and an individual who has been nicknamed "Putin's Trollmaster" for his online activity to the benefit of the Russian government. Rykov had received some press for throwing celebratory parties for Russian Trump supporters on both Election Day and Inauguration Day. Curious, I looked into his postings around the time of Trump's election.

What I found absolutely floored me. I had to do a double take.

On November 12, 2016, just days after the election, Rykov posted what could only be described as a boastful confession, where he claimed he had been working to get Trump elected as President since 2012 (after he claims Trump supposedly sent him a picture on Election Day 2012, a picture that he did manage to post to his Instagram feed). Rykov claims he started a campaign where he used Cambridge Analytica and Wikileaks to target potential voters in the US and bombard them with pro-Trump information. And in fact, he did launch a Russian pro-Trump website in the summer of 2015 just weeks after Trump officially announced his candidacy.

Here's what I posted to DU right after I found Rykov's posts:

https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029322103

Curious, I continued to look into some of Rykov's associates, and found some interesting material on a Russian oligarch named Artem Klyushin, who had partied with Trump during the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow. Here are my posts on those:


https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029326152

https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029340331

My postings received some attention internally at DU, but not a whole lot further seemed to come about it beyond here. I did manage to briefly communicate with a very reputable and knowledgeable individual on the matter, but the story was pretty much dormant for the next four months.

However, over the past week, Rykov's story has seemingly exploded.

Seth Abramson--who has been posting some great work about Trump's Russian connections on Twitter (albeit not the best format for long postings, but I'll give him a pass)--has been on the Trump-Rykov-Klyushin story like white on rice lately. He even gives DU a shout out here:

https://twitter.com/SethAbramson/status/933162096703016960

In turn, the Rykov story has been reported on by several online publications:

https://medium.com/@ScottMStedman/kremlin-propagandist-boasted-of-his-hacking-efforts-strongly-implied-colluding-with-trump-team-in-a905104965a1

https://washingtonmonthly.com/2017/11/24/a-trumprussia-confession-in-plain-sight/

Several other Twitter accounts have also reported on the story and tweets featuring both Rykov and Trump's names have skyrocketed over the holiday weekend.

And while Rykov's alleged confession isn't explicitly mentioned, Rykov's name is discussed in a recent story from The Atlantic regarding Russian money in internet technology.

It may only be a matter of time before some of the major networks and newspapers start taking a deeper look into Konstantin Rykov and associates.




November 21, 2017

Juanita Broaddrick is a hypocrite, shameful opportunist and nothing but a shady partisan hack.

https://twitter.com/atensnut/status/917398434793054208

You are under no obligation to believe her claims against Bill Clinton simply because of the news other more current allegations of sexual harassment and assault against notable figures. There's nothing that requires you to believe her, and certainly not some misguided sense of guilt that you think now you should have taken her seriously.

Nothing about her seems to cry like someone who should be taken seriously.

Feel free to check out her Twitter page and tell me whether she comes off as someone who is a credible yet silenced victim of abuse, or alternately, someone with a blatant and unabashed political agenda.

https://twitter.com/atensnut

First, her profile picture is her with Sean Hannity. So there's that.

But much, much worse is her cover photo. It shows her--along with three other women--sitting right next to Donald Trump. The picture was taken at a press conference right before the second debate and right after the Access Hollywood tape had come out. You know, the tape where Donald Trump bragged about kissing women against their consent and wanting to "grab them by the pussy"?

Seriously......if you are the legitimate victim of sexual assault by a high profile individual, a blatantly transparent photo op next to Donald Trump right after the Access Hollywood tapes became public would be the very last thing you would want to do.

If you continue to read her Twitter feed, you'll see her go off on what could best be described as generic right wing rants that have nothing to do with the Clintons or allegations of sexual assault. She attacks Jim Comey, Congresswoman Fredericka Wilson, Joe Biden, Michelle Obama's fashion, goes on rants about immigration, posts Ben Garrison cartoons, communicates with "Doctor" Sebastian Gorka, and posts lots and lots and lots of heaping praise on Donald "Grab them by the pussy" Trump.

Also interesting is her especially pointed attacks against Megyn Kelly, even after Kelly had come out and alleged she was the victim of sexual harassment at Fox News. For example:

https://twitter.com/atensnut/status/791162691201011712

Now, say whatever you will about Megyn Kelly, positive, negative or (in my case) completely neutral. But again, why would someone who claims to be the victim of sexual assault go off so heavily on someone else who claimed to be the victim of unwanted sexual advances apparently because she didn't jibe with your political candidate of choice?

Perhaps all of this could better be excused as bitter vigilantism by a silenced abuse victim, but only if Broadrrick's story was more substantiated and believable from the get-go. The fact that two of the people Broaddrick claims supported her story happened to be friends of hers with a long standing decades long beef against Bill Clinton for commuting a death sentence against their father's killer is notable. The fact that Broadderick denied being assaulted under oath is even more notable.

But that Ken Starr--who would have given his left nut to destroy Bill Clinton if he could--couldn't find Broaddrick credible enough to use during his unbridled special counsel investigation, speaks vast volumes as to why I should be hesitant to believe Juannita Broaddrick.

Listen, even though I'll honestly admit that yes, I am a fan of Bill Clinton, the guy is far from perfect, both politically and personally. We all know through the Monica story (and before that, Gennifer Flowers) he seemed to have a weakness when it came to women, although those stories represented completely 100% consensual relationships with adults. That all said, given the headlines today, is it absolutely out of the realm of possibility that he had acted inappropriately at some point in the past? Certainly not. And that's not just directed towards Bill Clinton, but to literally everyone and anyone. Tom Hanks. Barack Obama. The Dalai Freaking Lama. There are no sacred cows out there. Just ask Bill Cosby, who most of us loved and adored until about a few years ago.

But no, I have a hard time specifically believing Juanita Broaddrick, and you shouldn't fall victim into the trap that we now have to believe her because the times somehow require that we do.

Nor should anyone feel guilty or embarrassed or ashamed if they say they don't believe Juanita Broaddrick.
October 10, 2017

Satire was officially declared dead at approximately 8:50 Eastern time this morning.

The cause of death was listed as the fact that the individual who on Twitter referred to a sitting US Senator as "Liddle Bob Corker" was not actually a poorly disciplined eight year old boy on the playground somewhere, but rather someone who had purportedly been sworn in as President of the United States this past January.

Satire had been on life support since earlier in the morning, where the fact that the President of the United States had challenged his own Secretary of State to an IQ test was not something that was reported by The Onion or the New Yorker's Andy Borowitz, but rather as something that actually and honest to God really had taken place.

September 28, 2017

It takes a special kind of evil to tweet out, "It's time to take care of OUR people" while....

....systematically ignoring 3 million of your people in great, great need after a disaster.

And furthermore that your remarks are actually referring to tax cuts that will most likely benefit less than 1% of the population at the very top.

A very special kind of evil indeed.

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/913220484640182272

September 19, 2017

WAUPUN, WISCONSIN Weekly News: Town welcomes newest resident, Manny Paulson.

Waupun residents have recently rolled out the welcome mat for their new neighbor, 68-year old Manuel "Manny" Paulson.

Paulson, who originally hails from the Northeastern United States, will be working as a part time sales clerk at NAPA Auto Parts over on West Main Street. He'll be moving into a two-bedroom apartment at the Rensway Apartment complex with his wife Kimberly and their 35 year old daughter, Jennifer, who has expressed some interest in the local community theater.

When asked about what he did prior to his big move to Waupun, Paulson would only say that it involved "professional relations" and included some "overseas work". Paulson went on to say that due to the "demanding nature" of one of his prior clients, he decided to leave the business behind and join the exciting world of automotive parts retail work in the Badger State.

"It's what I've always wanted to do since I was a little kid," noted Paulson.

As to hobbies, Paulson said he was an avid collector of high-end vodka. "I have over 500 bottles," Paulson declared.

Paulson also added he had in his possession a large safe in his apartment but refused to elaborate exactly what he kept in it.

"Don't ask about what's in my safe, because I'm not going to fucking tell you," Paulson said. "That's none of your fucking business and none of you fuckers better dare touch my safe, ever, or there will be some serious shit going down and that shit's going to be noisy as hell. You're goddamn right I'm not going to do anything that's going to raise the suspicions of Vlad--err, I mean, um, nosy people."

While Paulson came off as a little camera shy and somewhat respectfully demanded that the Weekly News not publish his photo, it would simply be contrary to Waupun's famous reputation for hospitality to not let residents have the opportunity to welcome their newest neighbor. As such, in the hopes that Manny Paulson will receive the warmest of welcomes from his new brethren, the editorial staff has decided to print this recent picture of Paulson:



On behalf of all of Waupun, we hereby welcome you, Manny Paulson, to our fold and hope that your time in this fair borough is full of excitement and memory.


September 19, 2017

Food shopping options in Florida: A handy guide and rankings list

1. Your Publix--Admit it, your Publix is essentially an extension of your own house. You're probably paying property taxes on it. You know all the faces, all the names, and are forced to attend awkward holiday events with all the employees who--for better or worse--know everything about your food selection options and prescription drug history. So, will that be paper or plastic?

2. Another Publix--Say your Publix is closed. Say you are miles away from your Publix. Say your Publix got swallowed up in a massive sinkhole or the egress to your Publix is currently blocked by a group of large alligators. (Hey, don't say either or those things can't happen, because one of the two probably will.) So you decide to go to.....another Publix. And as you shop up and down the aisles, you think, "Hey, this is fine. They have everything at this Publix as they have at my Publix. I'm totally comfortable here. I really am." And yet, deep down you will be unable to escape the lingering feeling that this is in fact not your Publix. And it will continue to eat at you all the way until you stash your shopping cart awkwardly on the curb in the parking lot.

3. Whole Foods/Fresh Market--The favored food store for those people who don't mind paying a $5 upcharge on all foods labeled "Organic", "Farm Fresh", "All Natural" or "Quotation Marks."

4. Trader Joe's--Face it, from the looks of it, this is basically a 7-11, if 7-11s only sold one brand of food and were inexplicably obsessed over by yuppies and hipsters.

5. Local independent non-chain grocery store--Just because, you know, Yeah small business! Or whatever.

6. Winn-Dixie--Primarily exists for the unlikely event all Publixes get suddenly raptured.

7. Costco/BJ's Wholesale--Recommended only for two small, underserved segments of the population: 1) Compulsive hoarders and 2) People who are too cheap to buy lunch so they decide to pig out at the sample stations instead, and no, I swear you haven't seen me here before so can I please have another quarter slice of a ravioli on a tooth pick, thank you very much.

8. Primitive hunter/gatherer society--Hey, it worked for centuries, so how bad could it be?

9. Cannibalism--In the event that Option 8 collapses.

10. Aldi--"Hey folks, Aldi here. We're not the worst option, are we? Please tell me we're not the worst option, right? Hey, we make you pay for your grocery cart! That means we're exclusive, right? Oh, and you bring your own bags because we're not giving you our own bags. That's so wacky and colorful and crazy. No way anyone can hate on that! Also, I'm not 100% certain, but I'm pretty sure we're foreign! So I'm just going to say we're cool and exotic so please, please, please don't hate us."

And finally......

11. Walmart--(Takes Seppuku sword, briefly look up to the heavens with a tinge of regret in eyes, and then thrusts it deep into chest).

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