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Tommy Carcetti

Tommy Carcetti's Journal
Tommy Carcetti's Journal
November 27, 2017

So it looks like the Konstantin Rykov story has finally begun to get some major traction.

Preface: The purpose of this post is not to toot my own horn....all of this information is public knowledge and the people reporting on it now could have gathered it from any number of sources. However, I will say it does feel damn good to see this story beginning to see the light of day for everyone to see, and we can only hope more sources look into it and pick it up if it seems to be bonafide.

Back in July, I stumbled across the Facebook page of Konstantin Rykov, a former member of the Russian Duma for Putin's United Russia party and an individual who has been nicknamed "Putin's Trollmaster" for his online activity to the benefit of the Russian government. Rykov had received some press for throwing celebratory parties for Russian Trump supporters on both Election Day and Inauguration Day. Curious, I looked into his postings around the time of Trump's election.

What I found absolutely floored me. I had to do a double take.

On November 12, 2016, just days after the election, Rykov posted what could only be described as a boastful confession, where he claimed he had been working to get Trump elected as President since 2012 (after he claims Trump supposedly sent him a picture on Election Day 2012, a picture that he did manage to post to his Instagram feed). Rykov claims he started a campaign where he used Cambridge Analytica and Wikileaks to target potential voters in the US and bombard them with pro-Trump information. And in fact, he did launch a Russian pro-Trump website in the summer of 2015 just weeks after Trump officially announced his candidacy.

Here's what I posted to DU right after I found Rykov's posts:


Curious, I continued to look into some of Rykov's associates, and found some interesting material on a Russian oligarch named Artem Klyushin, who had partied with Trump during the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow. Here are my posts on those:



My postings received some attention internally at DU, but not a whole lot further seemed to come about it beyond here. I did manage to briefly communicate with a very reputable and knowledgeable individual on the matter, but the story was pretty much dormant for the next four months.

However, over the past week, Rykov's story has seemingly exploded.

Seth Abramson--who has been posting some great work about Trump's Russian connections on Twitter (albeit not the best format for long postings, but I'll give him a pass)--has been on the Trump-Rykov-Klyushin story like white on rice lately. He even gives DU a shout out here:


In turn, the Rykov story has been reported on by several online publications:



Several other Twitter accounts have also reported on the story and tweets featuring both Rykov and Trump's names have skyrocketed over the holiday weekend.

And while Rykov's alleged confession isn't explicitly mentioned, Rykov's name is discussed in a recent story from The Atlantic regarding Russian money in internet technology.

It may only be a matter of time before some of the major networks and newspapers start taking a deeper look into Konstantin Rykov and associates.

November 21, 2017

Juanita Broaddrick is a hypocrite, shameful opportunist and nothing but a shady partisan hack.


You are under no obligation to believe her claims against Bill Clinton simply because of the news other more current allegations of sexual harassment and assault against notable figures. There's nothing that requires you to believe her, and certainly not some misguided sense of guilt that you think now you should have taken her seriously.

Nothing about her seems to cry like someone who should be taken seriously.

Feel free to check out her Twitter page and tell me whether she comes off as someone who is a credible yet silenced victim of abuse, or alternately, someone with a blatant and unabashed political agenda.


First, her profile picture is her with Sean Hannity. So there's that.

But much, much worse is her cover photo. It shows her--along with three other women--sitting right next to Donald Trump. The picture was taken at a press conference right before the second debate and right after the Access Hollywood tape had come out. You know, the tape where Donald Trump bragged about kissing women against their consent and wanting to "grab them by the pussy"?

Seriously......if you are the legitimate victim of sexual assault by a high profile individual, a blatantly transparent photo op next to Donald Trump right after the Access Hollywood tapes became public would be the very last thing you would want to do.

If you continue to read her Twitter feed, you'll see her go off on what could best be described as generic right wing rants that have nothing to do with the Clintons or allegations of sexual assault. She attacks Jim Comey, Congresswoman Fredericka Wilson, Joe Biden, Michelle Obama's fashion, goes on rants about immigration, posts Ben Garrison cartoons, communicates with "Doctor" Sebastian Gorka, and posts lots and lots and lots of heaping praise on Donald "Grab them by the pussy" Trump.

Also interesting is her especially pointed attacks against Megyn Kelly, even after Kelly had come out and alleged she was the victim of sexual harassment at Fox News. For example:


Now, say whatever you will about Megyn Kelly, positive, negative or (in my case) completely neutral. But again, why would someone who claims to be the victim of sexual assault go off so heavily on someone else who claimed to be the victim of unwanted sexual advances apparently because she didn't jibe with your political candidate of choice?

Perhaps all of this could better be excused as bitter vigilantism by a silenced abuse victim, but only if Broadrrick's story was more substantiated and believable from the get-go. The fact that two of the people Broaddrick claims supported her story happened to be friends of hers with a long standing decades long beef against Bill Clinton for commuting a death sentence against their father's killer is notable. The fact that Broadderick denied being assaulted under oath is even more notable.

But that Ken Starr--who would have given his left nut to destroy Bill Clinton if he could--couldn't find Broaddrick credible enough to use during his unbridled special counsel investigation, speaks vast volumes as to why I should be hesitant to believe Juannita Broaddrick.

Listen, even though I'll honestly admit that yes, I am a fan of Bill Clinton, the guy is far from perfect, both politically and personally. We all know through the Monica story (and before that, Gennifer Flowers) he seemed to have a weakness when it came to women, although those stories represented completely 100% consensual relationships with adults. That all said, given the headlines today, is it absolutely out of the realm of possibility that he had acted inappropriately at some point in the past? Certainly not. And that's not just directed towards Bill Clinton, but to literally everyone and anyone. Tom Hanks. Barack Obama. The Dalai Freaking Lama. There are no sacred cows out there. Just ask Bill Cosby, who most of us loved and adored until about a few years ago.

But no, I have a hard time specifically believing Juanita Broaddrick, and you shouldn't fall victim into the trap that we now have to believe her because the times somehow require that we do.

Nor should anyone feel guilty or embarrassed or ashamed if they say they don't believe Juanita Broaddrick.
October 10, 2017

Satire was officially declared dead at approximately 8:50 Eastern time this morning.

The cause of death was listed as the fact that the individual who on Twitter referred to a sitting US Senator as "Liddle Bob Corker" was not actually a poorly disciplined eight year old boy on the playground somewhere, but rather someone who had purportedly been sworn in as President of the United States this past January.

Satire had been on life support since earlier in the morning, where the fact that the President of the United States had challenged his own Secretary of State to an IQ test was not something that was reported by The Onion or the New Yorker's Andy Borowitz, but rather as something that actually and honest to God really had taken place.

September 28, 2017

It takes a special kind of evil to tweet out, "It's time to take care of OUR people" while....

....systematically ignoring 3 million of your people in great, great need after a disaster.

And furthermore that your remarks are actually referring to tax cuts that will most likely benefit less than 1% of the population at the very top.

A very special kind of evil indeed.


September 19, 2017

WAUPUN, WISCONSIN Weekly News: Town welcomes newest resident, Manny Paulson.

Waupun residents have recently rolled out the welcome mat for their new neighbor, 68-year old Manuel "Manny" Paulson.

Paulson, who originally hails from the Northeastern United States, will be working as a part time sales clerk at NAPA Auto Parts over on West Main Street. He'll be moving into a two-bedroom apartment at the Rensway Apartment complex with his wife Kimberly and their 35 year old daughter, Jennifer, who has expressed some interest in the local community theater.

When asked about what he did prior to his big move to Waupun, Paulson would only say that it involved "professional relations" and included some "overseas work". Paulson went on to say that due to the "demanding nature" of one of his prior clients, he decided to leave the business behind and join the exciting world of automotive parts retail work in the Badger State.

"It's what I've always wanted to do since I was a little kid," noted Paulson.

As to hobbies, Paulson said he was an avid collector of high-end vodka. "I have over 500 bottles," Paulson declared.

Paulson also added he had in his possession a large safe in his apartment but refused to elaborate exactly what he kept in it.

"Don't ask about what's in my safe, because I'm not going to fucking tell you," Paulson said. "That's none of your fucking business and none of you fuckers better dare touch my safe, ever, or there will be some serious shit going down and that shit's going to be noisy as hell. You're goddamn right I'm not going to do anything that's going to raise the suspicions of Vlad--err, I mean, um, nosy people."

While Paulson came off as a little camera shy and somewhat respectfully demanded that the Weekly News not publish his photo, it would simply be contrary to Waupun's famous reputation for hospitality to not let residents have the opportunity to welcome their newest neighbor. As such, in the hopes that Manny Paulson will receive the warmest of welcomes from his new brethren, the editorial staff has decided to print this recent picture of Paulson:

On behalf of all of Waupun, we hereby welcome you, Manny Paulson, to our fold and hope that your time in this fair borough is full of excitement and memory.

September 19, 2017

Food shopping options in Florida: A handy guide and rankings list

1. Your Publix--Admit it, your Publix is essentially an extension of your own house. You're probably paying property taxes on it. You know all the faces, all the names, and are forced to attend awkward holiday events with all the employees who--for better or worse--know everything about your food selection options and prescription drug history. So, will that be paper or plastic?

2. Another Publix--Say your Publix is closed. Say you are miles away from your Publix. Say your Publix got swallowed up in a massive sinkhole or the egress to your Publix is currently blocked by a group of large alligators. (Hey, don't say either or those things can't happen, because one of the two probably will.) So you decide to go to.....another Publix. And as you shop up and down the aisles, you think, "Hey, this is fine. They have everything at this Publix as they have at my Publix. I'm totally comfortable here. I really am." And yet, deep down you will be unable to escape the lingering feeling that this is in fact not your Publix. And it will continue to eat at you all the way until you stash your shopping cart awkwardly on the curb in the parking lot.

3. Whole Foods/Fresh Market--The favored food store for those people who don't mind paying a $5 upcharge on all foods labeled "Organic", "Farm Fresh", "All Natural" or "Quotation Marks."

4. Trader Joe's--Face it, from the looks of it, this is basically a 7-11, if 7-11s only sold one brand of food and were inexplicably obsessed over by yuppies and hipsters.

5. Local independent non-chain grocery store--Just because, you know, Yeah small business! Or whatever.

6. Winn-Dixie--Primarily exists for the unlikely event all Publixes get suddenly raptured.

7. Costco/BJ's Wholesale--Recommended only for two small, underserved segments of the population: 1) Compulsive hoarders and 2) People who are too cheap to buy lunch so they decide to pig out at the sample stations instead, and no, I swear you haven't seen me here before so can I please have another quarter slice of a ravioli on a tooth pick, thank you very much.

8. Primitive hunter/gatherer society--Hey, it worked for centuries, so how bad could it be?

9. Cannibalism--In the event that Option 8 collapses.

10. Aldi--"Hey folks, Aldi here. We're not the worst option, are we? Please tell me we're not the worst option, right? Hey, we make you pay for your grocery cart! That means we're exclusive, right? Oh, and you bring your own bags because we're not giving you our own bags. That's so wacky and colorful and crazy. No way anyone can hate on that! Also, I'm not 100% certain, but I'm pretty sure we're foreign! So I'm just going to say we're cool and exotic so please, please, please don't hate us."

And finally......

11. Walmart--(Takes Seppuku sword, briefly look up to the heavens with a tinge of regret in eyes, and then thrusts it deep into chest).

July 25, 2017

We can't sustain this level of madness from Trump for the next 4 years. Dare I say it, but.....

...we can't even sustain it for the next 2 years.

I know everyone is saying we need to prepare for the 2018 midterms. And we absolutely need to prepare for the 2018 midterms. They are crucial. They are critical.

But even so, those are still over 15 months away at this point. Trump has been in office for just a little over 6 months.

And in those 6 months, Trump has proven himself to be far and away the most mentally unstable, mentally unhinged and entirely incompetent individual to ever hold the office of the US Presidency. No one, not even Nixon at his most paranoid, is even close to Trump's level.

It is a truly unprecedented situation.

This is at a point where it should transcend politics and partisanship at this point. As tough as it is, just for a short moment put aside things like the healthcare debate--Republicans will continue to threaten the ACA so long as they have a majority in Congress and an ally in the White House.

This goes beyond even that. This goes to bare bones matters of basic qualifications for office. It goes to matters of mental fitness for duty. We shouldn't be having that conversation about any President--Democrat, Republican, whatever. George W. Bush was lazy, unmotivated and not particularly bright, but it was never at this extreme crisis level. Not even then.

Yesterday truly brought it all home. The President of the United States goes to what should have been--and has always been--a light hearted, ceremonial photo-op: a Boy Scout jamboree. Something where you'd expect him to say a few clichéd words about the youth being the future of the country, reach for your dreams, you can do anything, yada yada yada. Standard fluff. Instead, this Madman who calls himself our President launches into a vitriolic attack yet again against political opponents and the media, goes off on wildly inappropriate tangents insinuating sexcapades on yachts, going on about his political victory. In front of Boy Scouts. Boy Scouts.

He's a lunatic. The President of the United States is a lunatic. And that is one hell of a problem that we cannot ignore.

And while we look to November 2018 as being the light at the end of the tunnel, there's just no telling what could happen that could close that tunnel shut. We have that bullshit "voter fraud" commission entirely in the hands of Trump. And if there is any sort of major crisis or terrorist attack that arises in the interim, God help us.

I'll never forget the feeling waking up on the morning of November 9, 2016 and a sense of extreme anxiety washing over me--there was a sense that this country could be headed towards a very dark place if left unchecked. It was a feeling of vulnerability that I had never, ever felt before as an American citizen. It left me--for the first time in my life--quite literally shaking.

As we stand now, we are still a Democracy, but we are a Democracy under extreme stress. I don't know what the breaking point is. I hope we will never see that breaking point, but that's going to require people to stand up and do the right thing. People who we normally wouldn't agree with. People who we probably won't agree with even after this trial of conscience is over.

In short, what needs to happen might seem like a miracle, but then a miracle is what we'll need. There needs to be just enough individuals who will place loyalty to country over party politics, even if just for this one limited and extreme and unprecedented circumstance.

This horror show needs to end, and it needs to end as soon as possible.

July 13, 2017

Okay, this is really weird. Nov. 2016 Facebook posts from Putin parliamentary ally Konstantin Rykov.

Here's his wiki:


Not only is he a Russian politician and ally to Putin, but he also deals heavily in internet product. Hmm.

And here's his posts, with an admittedly awful Google Translate version, but you can get the gist:
Part One: https://www.facebook.com/konstantin.rykov/posts/10210621124674610
Part Two: https://www.facebook.com/konstantin.rykov/posts/10210643558675446

It's time for great stories. I'm going to tell you about that, as Donald and I have decided to liberate America and make it great again. It took US 4 YEARS AND 2 more days.

It began at night from 6 TO 7 November 2012

It was the night of the presidential election. Sparring between Obama and Republican Romney. I was madly tweeting from Twitter, and I was entertaining myself with a live video and commented on the results.

It's no secret that I've always been sympathizer the Republicans (except Mccain) and drowning against the Democratic State Department. Professor Майкл Makfol this story is well remembered and to his role in it we'll be back.

Now! For all normal people then it was obvious that if Barack Obama had been re-elected for a second term, it would be a disaster for the world.

At that time, we were perfectly aware that the arab spring would not end and Ukraine, sanctions, Syria and so on. Obama's victory will be destructive to Russia, but also to the world.

Unfortunately, Romney was unable to take the victory of the dastardly liberals back then, and at 8:20 this morning acknowledged defeat. He's just a politician. Nothing personal.

To say that I was really worried.. that means nothing. I was furious. He wrote angry tweets and sent curses.

The only person on the entire network who fought to the end didn't want to accept and accept the results, was Donald Fredovich.

He lifted his plane to the sky and flew between New York and DC, calling the world through his twitter to start a march on Washington!

Without a second, I wrote to him a replay that sounded in Russian like, " I'm ready. What do you have to do?"

But.. There was no response from trump.

I admit to being honest, I thought Donald was off topic. I was even more upset and decided to go to bed.

I couldn't sleep. Lying. I looked at the ceiling and I had the terrifying images of the future. Wars. Global terrorism. Coups D ' état.

All of a sudden! There was a thin alert in DM.

I opened my Ipad and I didn't believe my eyes.

It was a message from Donald Trump. A Picture. In the picture, he was sitting in his jet chair, smiling and showing me the thumb of his right hand.

To be continued...


Part two.

What was our idea with Donald Trump?

In four years and two days.. It was necessary to get into the brain and capture all possible means of mass perception of reality. To Win Donald in the election of the president of the United States. After that, a political alliance between the United States, France, Russia (and other states) and a new world order will be established.

Four years and two days is a very big time and a very small one. Our idea was crazy, but feasible.

In order for this to be clear, all possible forms of modern man must have been ".

Donald has decided to invite the special science department at Cambridge University.

British scientists from Cambridge Analytica offered to make out of 5 thousand existing human psikhotipov - a "perfect image" of a possible supporter of trump. Then.. put this image back on all psikhotipy and thus find the universal key to each and every one.

The development ended up cost $ 5 million. But! He got his hands on a secret super weapon.

Who's doing a p.r. ad.. will know what that means.

Remember how much money Clinton and "their supporters" spent on a campaign around the world? 5 times more than trump.

But who put 5 times Hillary in the network and became president? Donald Trump too.

It was further to upload these data into information flows and social networks. And we started looking for someone who could do better than others.

At the very beginning of Braves and romantic there was not much. Couple hacker factions, civil journalists from wikileaks and political strategist Михаил Kovalev.

The next step was to develop a system for the transfer of tasks and information so that no gebukha and nsa could burn it.

How can even people do not speak the language of each other, could exchange information quickly, understand each other with wise, feel trends and influence their development?

This system has been programmed for about a year. Another year went for tests and refinement. In the end. In a year with little, we set up "Mediafilʹtr" to everyone who was able to pull up our plot and on August 18, 2015 opened the trump-2016. Portal.

August 19 In 9:00 I received a message from Vladimir Volfovich.

To be continued...


Unfortunately I can't find Part 3.

July 12, 2017

Okay, so I finally was able to get a hold of the yuge!!!! Ukraine-DNC story that was the basis...

....for Sean Hannity's whataboutism last night.


In short: A Ukrainian-American political consultant, who was contracted by the DNC for purposes of ethnic outreach, decided to do a little digging as to Paul Manafort's background in Ukrainian politics (remember that Manafort advised the former strongman Viktor Yanukovych prior to Yanukovych fleeing the country after having bloodily cracked down on mass protests against Yanukovych's pro-Russian policies and massive corruption.) The consultant, Alexandra Chalupa (yes, that's really her last name), contacted several Ukrainian government officials who voluntarily provided her with some notable information on Manafort. Armed with this information, Chalupa notified the DNC about her findings. So far, I've seen no indication that Chalupa told Ukrainian officials she was any sort of representative of either the DNC or the Hillary Clinton campaign.

That was it. The long and the short of it. An obscure figure (an American citizen, no less) doing some investigative work contacted the Ukrainian government about Paul Manafort, and then let the DNC know about what she found.

And somehow that is absolutely equivalent to a Russian oligarch--who was both a close political ally to Vladimir Putin as well as an acquaintance and business partner to Donald Trump, who actually acted as a messenger for Putin when Trump held his Miss Universe contest in Russia in 2013--sending a lawyer with Kremlin connections to meet with Trump's son, son-in-law and campaign manager after promising allegedly damaging information about Hillary Clinton, to which Trump's son exclaimed over email, "I love it!".

And mind you, as big as the news was yesterday (thanks in good part to Trump Jr.'s face-palming idiocy), that episode is just a small piece of the Trump-Russian puzzle. Because you also have Jared Kushner meeting with the Russian ambassador on multiple occasions (once asking to set up a secure line of communication before Trump had even took office), Jeff Sessions meeting with the Russian ambassador on multiple occasions, both of them failing to disclose said meetings, Michael Flynn being wined and dined by Putin, Michael Flynn lobbying in Turkey for projects that would expressly benefit Russia, Flynn speaking to the Russian ambassador about sanctions prior to Trump's inauguration, Rex Tillerson having been wined and dined and awarded medals by Putin for securing an Russian-Exxon deal, Trump shooting off his mouth to Russian ambassadors about firing Comey and disclosing intel to them at the White House in a meeting closed to US press but open to Russian press, the suspicious change in the GOP platform about Ukraine policy against Russian aggression, absolutely everything that we read in the Steele Dossier, and so much more in terms of people and things that I could go on and on.

But because someone who consulted the DNC spoke to some Ukrainian government officials about Paul Manafort....yeah that's the big story.

And let me say this as a Ukrainian-American myself. I'm very proud of my Ukrainian heritage and culture. It's a very rich culture that has survived for centuries despite adversity after adversity. But if we are to believe that the Ukrainian government of today is some massive tour de force capable of influencing and interfering with the activities of superpowers....that's one of the most laughable things I've ever heard. The sad fact of the matter is, the Ukrainian government of today is woefully underequipped to handle the matters in its own country let alone the US or anywhere else. Much of that weakness is in fact in good part due to constant meddling and interference from none other than Russia. We saw that with Yanukovych, we see that with the Russian supported fighting in the eastern part of the country, and we saw that in Crimea, where Russia was able to seize a vast amount of Ukrainian territory without the Ukrainian military being able to fire a single shot in its defense. Ukraine is simply not in a position right now to be a major player in world affairs.

And Ukraine sure as fuck never hacked any of our computers, either.

So to claim that it is Ukraine who interfered in the US election to the apparent "benefit" of Hillary Clinton--who sadly is not the President right as much as she ought to be--is absolute absurdity. It's lunacy. And frankly I think Russia might be pushing this argument to numbskulls like Sean Hannity (who will blindly believe a convicted fugitive fraudster named Kim Dotcom as he exploits the tragic murder of a DNC staffer against the victim's family's own wishes) as just one more added Fuck You to Ukraine.

This is pathetic. Truly pathetic.

June 23, 2017

***EXCLUSIVE: White House releases written transcript of Trump-Comey conversation***

Statement from the White House is as follows:
**On June 22, 2017, President Trump admitted that as it pertains to his statement on Twitter on May 12, 2017--specifically implying that there might have been recordings of conversations he had with former FBI Director James Comey--he did not have possession of any actual taped conversations. However, in the interests of full disclosure, the White House wishes to qualify his statement in that there were at one point tapes of at least one conversation that the President had with Director Comey. Unfortunately, due to the tape being left in the President's pants during a recent laundry cycle, the physical tape was destroyed during a warm wash delicate rinsing. Fortunately, the contents of the tape had been previously transcribed prior to the tape's inadvertent destruction. The following is a read out of a conversation the President had with Director Comey on the evening of January 27, 2017: **

DONALD J. TRUMP, 45th PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES (DJT): (On phone) Well, it sure is a pleasure to speak with both you gentlemen, the presidents of the Toyota Motor Corporation and the Honda Motor Company.....What's that? You say you want to close all your factories overseas and immediately move them to the United States? All because you want the pleasure of doing business with me? Why, that's terrific! I'll draw up the paperwork immediately...(Knocking on door)....Hold on, I have to go, someone's at my door.

(Director Comey enters the Oval Office)

JAMES COMEY, FBI DIRECTOR (JC): Hello, Mr. Donald, it's me, Jimmy Comey! I'm a super tall goofball! A-duh!

DJT: Director Comey, you cannot keep on pestering me like this, day in and day out! I have too much important business that must be tended to instead of dealing with your insipid shenanigans!

JC: Rub-a-dub-dub, what's up for your grub? You got pop-tarts? I love pop-tarts! Oh! Oh! Confetti Cupcake, please! That's my favorite!

DJT: Well, I suppose I could spare a few minutes. But please, let's keep it brief. I've got a lot of things to do. Why, I'm afraid I'll hardly get any sleep tonight.

(Phone rings, the President answers)

DJT: Hello, who is this?....CNN?.....What?....No, you cannot run a story claiming my father was Batboy! I simply won't stand for it! The line must be drawn HERE! This far, and no further!*

(The President slams down the phone)

JC: Mr. Donald, who's the picture of the purty lady over there? She's purty!

DJT: Who, her? That's supermodel Kate Upton. She sent that picture to me, claiming she's absolutely taken by my chiseled, muscular good looks, my charming personality and my super large hands. Why, I'm quite flattered. Really, I am. However, I am but a married man, and I wouldn't dream of disrespecting my beloved wife Melania like that. In no way would I ever take advantage of a tender young woman besmitten by me like that.

JC: I should know that. I'm the dictator of the BFI. That means Butt Fart Inspector! Hyuck! Hyuck! Hyuck!

DJT: Director Comey, please! If you have something important to talk about, let me know now. Otherwise, let me be! (Phone rings) Hold on....

(The President answers)

DJT: Hello?....Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto?....What's that you say? You want to pay for a border wall?....And to personally fund the healthcare for over 300 million Americans? That's excellent, mi amigo. Please, this Cinco De Mayo, come over to the White House. I will serve you the best Taco Bowl you've ever tasted. You won't regret it!

(The President hangs up the phone)

DJT: I'm sorry, what where you going to say?

JC: A-duh! My wife left me for our plumber and my kids refuse to acknowledge who I am! I'm a sad, pathetic failure, Mr. Donald!

DJT: Well, that's quite unfortunate but sadly not of my concern. Might I suggest family counseling? Anyways, there actually is one thing I did want to speak with you about.

JC: What's that, Mr. Donald?

DJT: It's about Russia.

JC: Russia? Where's that? Oh, wait, that's in Iowa, right? Oh goodie, I love corn!

DJT: That's...never mind. I know from our prior conversations you had mentioned there was a counter-intelligence investigation regarding my National Security Advisor, Michael Flynn. There apparently are concerns that he may have had some improper dealings with various Russian officials. That's quite a serious matter and one that deserves the utmost attention of the intelligence and law enforcement communities. However, the situation has continued to eat at me to no end! I fear the perception might be that I myself had something to do with such a sordid affair! That the people of this country could be swayed by random, wild-eyed notions that I owe large sums of money to shady Russian figures or that I paid Russian prostitutes to pee on a bed that President Obama once slept on! Stories that could never, ever possibly be true because there's absolutely no evidence that will ever show them to be true, ever!

JC: You said pee! Haw-haw!

DJT: Anyways, you must look me in the eye. Do it! Look me straight in the eye as I ask you this very important query: Am I......(the President sniffles).....Am I under investigation? Lay it to me straight, Director Comey!

JC: Uh, what's an investigation? Wait, is that like a...vest?

DJT: I shall take your response as a no! Vindication!

JC: I have a vest. It's cool looking. It's green, with patches. I got it from the Boy Scouts. They still let me go to meetings, even though I'm 56 years old now. Camping is fun.

DJT: And another thing. This investigation of yours, you must follow it through all on your own. You must bring it to a conclusion whenever you yourself feel you have reached all the facts. You should never feel forced by anyone to alter the course of your investigation because of political pressure. Not even from me, the President of the United States of America! For I myself am not above the law! I am but a humble servant of the American people!

(At this point, a bald eagle swoops in through an open window and perches itself on the President's left shoulder, while two American flags flap in the breeze behind him and "The Star Spangled Banner" begins to play over the intercom.)

JC: You sure do love America, Mr. Donald. I myself like to watch Spongebob in my jammies while I eat cereal with cheap bourbon instead of milk.

DJT: I must show you out now, Director Comey. I'm afraid I have some very important business to deal with soon. I'm expecting a phone call. It's from the President of ISIS. He says he wants to immediately renounce all violence and lay down all arms, and instead focus on partnering with me to build a chain of luxury hotels and golf resorts worldwide. Oh, it will truly be a great day for the entire world!

JC: That's okay, Mr. Donald. I have to go meet Hillary Clinton now. She says she wants to go around and murder rogue DNC staffers and then sacrifice their bodies up to her dark lord Satan. We do that every Friday night. Afterwards, she takes me to Jamba Juice.

DJT: Fare thee well, Director Comey! Safe travels, and never forget the duty that both you and I have pledged to this great country.

JC: Ha-ha, you said doodie, Mr. Donald! Tootles!


*These were the President's very exact words, and the White House vehemently rejects any sort of contention from Patrick Stewart and/or Captain Jean Luc Picard that such a statement actually came from the 1996 movie Star Trek: First Contact, co-starring Mr. James Cromwell and Ms. Alfre Woodard.

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