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Tommy Carcetti

Tommy Carcetti's Journal
Tommy Carcetti's Journal
September 28, 2017

It takes a special kind of evil to tweet out, "It's time to take care of OUR people" while....

....systematically ignoring 3 million of your people in great, great need after a disaster.

And furthermore that your remarks are actually referring to tax cuts that will most likely benefit less than 1% of the population at the very top.

A very special kind of evil indeed.


September 19, 2017

WAUPUN, WISCONSIN Weekly News: Town welcomes newest resident, Manny Paulson.

Waupun residents have recently rolled out the welcome mat for their new neighbor, 68-year old Manuel "Manny" Paulson.

Paulson, who originally hails from the Northeastern United States, will be working as a part time sales clerk at NAPA Auto Parts over on West Main Street. He'll be moving into a two-bedroom apartment at the Rensway Apartment complex with his wife Kimberly and their 35 year old daughter, Jennifer, who has expressed some interest in the local community theater.

When asked about what he did prior to his big move to Waupun, Paulson would only say that it involved "professional relations" and included some "overseas work". Paulson went on to say that due to the "demanding nature" of one of his prior clients, he decided to leave the business behind and join the exciting world of automotive parts retail work in the Badger State.

"It's what I've always wanted to do since I was a little kid," noted Paulson.

As to hobbies, Paulson said he was an avid collector of high-end vodka. "I have over 500 bottles," Paulson declared.

Paulson also added he had in his possession a large safe in his apartment but refused to elaborate exactly what he kept in it.

"Don't ask about what's in my safe, because I'm not going to fucking tell you," Paulson said. "That's none of your fucking business and none of you fuckers better dare touch my safe, ever, or there will be some serious shit going down and that shit's going to be noisy as hell. You're goddamn right I'm not going to do anything that's going to raise the suspicions of Vlad--err, I mean, um, nosy people."

While Paulson came off as a little camera shy and somewhat respectfully demanded that the Weekly News not publish his photo, it would simply be contrary to Waupun's famous reputation for hospitality to not let residents have the opportunity to welcome their newest neighbor. As such, in the hopes that Manny Paulson will receive the warmest of welcomes from his new brethren, the editorial staff has decided to print this recent picture of Paulson:

On behalf of all of Waupun, we hereby welcome you, Manny Paulson, to our fold and hope that your time in this fair borough is full of excitement and memory.

September 19, 2017

Food shopping options in Florida: A handy guide and rankings list

1. Your Publix--Admit it, your Publix is essentially an extension of your own house. You're probably paying property taxes on it. You know all the faces, all the names, and are forced to attend awkward holiday events with all the employees who--for better or worse--know everything about your food selection options and prescription drug history. So, will that be paper or plastic?

2. Another Publix--Say your Publix is closed. Say you are miles away from your Publix. Say your Publix got swallowed up in a massive sinkhole or the egress to your Publix is currently blocked by a group of large alligators. (Hey, don't say either or those things can't happen, because one of the two probably will.) So you decide to go to.....another Publix. And as you shop up and down the aisles, you think, "Hey, this is fine. They have everything at this Publix as they have at my Publix. I'm totally comfortable here. I really am." And yet, deep down you will be unable to escape the lingering feeling that this is in fact not your Publix. And it will continue to eat at you all the way until you stash your shopping cart awkwardly on the curb in the parking lot.

3. Whole Foods/Fresh Market--The favored food store for those people who don't mind paying a $5 upcharge on all foods labeled "Organic", "Farm Fresh", "All Natural" or "Quotation Marks."

4. Trader Joe's--Face it, from the looks of it, this is basically a 7-11, if 7-11s only sold one brand of food and were inexplicably obsessed over by yuppies and hipsters.

5. Local independent non-chain grocery store--Just because, you know, Yeah small business! Or whatever.

6. Winn-Dixie--Primarily exists for the unlikely event all Publixes get suddenly raptured.

7. Costco/BJ's Wholesale--Recommended only for two small, underserved segments of the population: 1) Compulsive hoarders and 2) People who are too cheap to buy lunch so they decide to pig out at the sample stations instead, and no, I swear you haven't seen me here before so can I please have another quarter slice of a ravioli on a tooth pick, thank you very much.

8. Primitive hunter/gatherer society--Hey, it worked for centuries, so how bad could it be?

9. Cannibalism--In the event that Option 8 collapses.

10. Aldi--"Hey folks, Aldi here. We're not the worst option, are we? Please tell me we're not the worst option, right? Hey, we make you pay for your grocery cart! That means we're exclusive, right? Oh, and you bring your own bags because we're not giving you our own bags. That's so wacky and colorful and crazy. No way anyone can hate on that! Also, I'm not 100% certain, but I'm pretty sure we're foreign! So I'm just going to say we're cool and exotic so please, please, please don't hate us."

And finally......

11. Walmart--(Takes Seppuku sword, briefly look up to the heavens with a tinge of regret in eyes, and then thrusts it deep into chest).

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