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Tommy Carcetti

Tommy Carcetti's Journal
Tommy Carcetti's Journal
August 25, 2020

BREAKING NEWS: At RNC, Tiffany Trump expected to tell heartwarming tale about her father

Tiffany Trump, President Donald Trump's second born daughter, is expected to regale viewers of the 2020 Republican National Convention, with what people are describing as an "emotional, humanizing look at the man who is the 45th President."

"At the 2016 convention, Tiffany won the hearts of millions by describing a time where her father called her while she was in college," said one source close to the campaign. "This year, she intends to go even deeper than that. She will amaze and delight the audience by telling them about the other time her father called her while in college."

While a full transcript of the speech describing this second phone call has not yet been released, it is believed Tiffany will talk about how her father told her--among other things--"I hope your mother is doing well--What was her name again? Marcia? Mildred? Melanie?" "Say hello to Barron for me, why don't you?" and "What's your cup situation looking like? You a C? A D? An E, maybe?"

It is reported that Donald Trump spent the remaining eleven minutes on the phone call talking to Tiffany about the achievements of Ivanka Trump, the President's first-born daughter.


August 12, 2020

BREAKING NEWS: Seeking to upstage Biden, Trump to replace Pence on the ticket with Diamond and Silk

Following yesterday's announcement from former Vice President and presumptive Democratic Party presidential nominee Joe Biden that he was naming California Senator Kamala Harris as his running mate, President Trump today made a shocking announcement that he would be replacing current Vice President Mike Pence on the 2020 ticket.

Seeking to offset the impact that Harris--with an ethnic background of both Caribbean-Afro-American and South Asian descent--may have in attracting diverse minority voters, the Trump campaign announced the President was switching out Vice President Pence for Lynette Hardaway and Rochelle Richardson, best known as the pair of internet personalities who go by the joint name of "Diamond and Silk."

"We did some serious polling of African-American voters in this country," Trump campaign spokesperson Hogan Gidley told reporters. "And after doing that polling and giving the results all the proper consideration we thought it actually deserved, we decided the best way to reach out to black voters was to include individuals on the ticket who best reflect who we think they are. And in this case, who we think they are is clearly one-dimensional caricatures of 'sassy' black women. Women who are not afraid to offer a sharp clapback, a quick 'Mmm-hmm!' or an impromptu 'Oh no he didn't!' Because this is someone...someones?...we feel African-Americans voters in this country would best relate to and identify with, as opposed to some complete rando who worked her way up from District Attorney to California Attorney General to U.S. Senator."

When asked how the unprecedented logistics would work if Trump is re-elected and Diamond and Silk were subsequently sworn in as Vice President, Gidley offered a rather unorthodox proposal.

"We intend to split the duties of the office evenly between the two of them," Gidley explained. "Diamond would serve as Vice President on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, while Silk would hold the office on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays."

Pressed as to who would serve as Vice President on Sundays, Gidley said that Trump's three adult children--Donald Jr., Ivanka and Eric--would be assigned to hold that office on a continually rotating basis.

Many were skeptical that the U.S. Constitution would actually allow for a situation where five different people could serve as Vice President, but Gidley remained optimistic that proper accommodations could be made.

"The President intends to issue an Executive Offer stating that such an arrangement is is totally okay, and we feel that will be the final authority on any such lingering questions," Gidley pronounced.

"Don't you mean 'Executive Order'?" one reported asked.

"Executive Order, Executive Offer, covefe, covefe, it's all the same," Gidley quickly replied in a manner that could only be truly appreciated by those actually hearing it.

At a press briefing later in the day, the President himself expressed the utmost confidence in his new running mates.

"Diamond and Silk speak to an important segment of the population, the blacks," Trump said. "The blacks, the blacks. I love the blacks, and the blacks love me. Many of them have come up to me with tears in their eyes and told me how much they love me. They say, 'Sir, if you can believe it, we think you're an even better President than Abraham Lincoln!' It's true, it's totally true. Abraham Lincoln--he freed the slaves, many people don't actually know that. And even so, I'm still better to the blacks than he ever was."

Trump was then asked if he actually knew which one of the two women was Diamond and which one was Silk.

"Of course I know that, of course I do," Trump responded. "That's a stupid question, a nasty question from a nasty fake news media reporter. Diamond is the one with glasses, and Silk is the one without glasses. It's easy, really easy to tell them apart. Anyone can do it. Well, at least any smart person such as myself."

Trump was then promptly informed that in fact both Diamond and Silk wore glasses.

"Oh," Trump said. "Well, that certainly is a big surprise. It doesn't really matter though, doesn't matter at all. Because if I die--which I myself don't intend to die, but there are some people who do die, you know--while I'm in office, my will says that Ivanka automatically becomes President. And that's exactly how it works. If a President dies, his will decides who becomes the new President. You can look it up. It's all in there, believe me."

Meanwhile, Trump's new running mates offered only brief comments about their selection to the ticket.

"Mmm-hmm!" Diamond offered.

"Oh no he didn't!" Silk proclaimed.


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