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Tommy Carcetti

Tommy Carcetti's Journal
Tommy Carcetti's Journal
November 8, 2022

A confession. This whole election has felt a bit...weird...for me.

Note off the top: I am not saying I feel in any way less motivated to want to see Democrats win, hold the majority in Congress, take Governors' races, etc. Nor have I been shy in advocating my support for Democratic candidates.

But there is something at what I can only assume is at a subconscious level that has me feeling, well, exhausted by it all.

Subliminally, I think the Trump years really did a number on me. Every single day for four years, I would wake up in this Kafkaesqe nightmare where we had an unhinged lunatic in control of the United States just betraying all norms of common decency. And I really, really just wanted it to end.

And then in November 2020, it did end. But just barely. And not enough to eliminate the continued peril to American democracy.

Which you might say under normal circumstances might act as an additional motivator for me. But I think due to the degree of the low-grade trauma of four years of Trump, I just felt like I needed a breather. And in a day and age where the next election cycle seems to begin the day the previous one ends, two years just felt like too short of a turn-around. Even knowing democracy was on the line. Even knowing Trump is out there, looming, and looking to run again.

Then there is the creeping realization that grotesque cretins like Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert will likely win re-election despite being affronts to humanity. There's the fact that I just voted for Charlie Crist and Val Demings--two candidates who I liked and vocally supported for--but set against the inherent power of the incumbency, it just seems like an uphill battle at best, a lost cause at worst. There's the sense I get that people expecting elections nationwide to be won over a single narrow issue is a folly, but if we were to openly frame it as to what's really the overall theme of what's at stake--the basic democratic backbone of the country as opposed to a backslide into cult-like authoritarianism--people would simply dismiss you as being alarmist or overwrought.

I'm sorry, guys. I'm not trying to sound pessimistic. Honestly.

Really, all of this is just me talking out loud to get it off my chest.

But I think as a coping mechanism, I have somehow adopted an "expect the worst, hope for the best" mindset to ground myself. I won't be staying up late in front of the TV screens, monitoring the results, waiting and anticipating victories for my candidates as I have in basically every previous election since I have come of voting age.

I probably won't even watch the news at all. There are plenty of shows on my DVR and streaming queues that I can watch until I'm tired enough to sleep. And I'll go to bed assuming when I wake up, I'll still be stuck with Ron Fucking DeSantis as my governor and having to deal with a new party in charge in one or both houses of Congress.

And I pray to God I'll be proven wrong tomorrow. And that tomorrow I can return to this post and laugh at myself, and invite you all to laugh at me.

But this whole election, on a very personal level, has felt very different and disconnected to me in ways I can't fully understand. Even in 2010 and 2014, the last two midterms where we got shellacked, I was absolutely hyped up to win, and completely thrown for a loop when we didn't. Maybe I should have seen the warning signs then. But I didn't want to.

This, on the other hand, just feels depressing. Like a gray cloud hanging over the horizon. And it's not for the fault of President Biden or the candidates or DU or Democrats in general. You all have been fine.

I think it's just the fact that Trump isn't actually there, but he's still very much there, and six years in with no clear respite in sight it's just taken a toll on my sunny optimism about this country and humanity in general.

Again, sorry to go on like this. There's no need to like this post, or comment on it if you don't want to. Really this was all me getting my frustrations off my chest.

And tomorrow, when I'm proven very wrong, please feel free to come back and laugh at me. Because I'll be right there with you.

November 3, 2022

BREAKING NEWS: Disillusioned Musk announces sale of Twitter to conservative personality Catturd

Just days after his $44 Billion purchase of social media giant Twitter was completed, billionaire businessman Elon Musk made a surprise announcement he was now selling the popular website. The sale was announced after a tumultuous week where Musk fired the entire corporate board, floated a system where people would pay $8 for a verified account, and the site was reportedly inundated by purveyors of hate speech and conspiracy theories soon after his takeover took place.

And the purchaser of Twitter? Its very own far-right provocateur poster who goes by the screen name “Catturd.”

“After some long soul searching and hard contemplation, I have decided to sell my entire share of control in Twitter to Catturd, as unfortunately my leadership has failed to meet his stated demands of stopping all shadow banning and purging of his followers,” Musk announced over his Twitter account. “Mr. Turd has agreed to pay the requested purchase price in the amount of $83.17, along with two Circuit City gift cards of indeterminate value.”

Catturd—who is the digital alter ego of one Mr. Phillip L. Buchanan living in the small Florida panhandle town of Wewahitchka—has amassed nearly 1 million followers and his jabs at Democrats and liberals are frequently re-tweeted by popular conservative figures such as Ted Cruz and Marjorie Taylor Greene, as well as former President Donald Trump before his account was suspended in January 2021. Buchanan also frequently uses his account to peddle the sale of various Catturd merchandise and several of his self-published novels—all written under his Catturd moniker—including one where he crudely depicts New York Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez as a farting space alien.

Soon after Musk completed the sale, a press conference was announced in front of Catturd Manor in Wewahitchka featuring only a man in a suit wearing a mask of the Catturd mascot, that being a cartoonish glasses-wearing white cat.

“Elon Musk’s spirit may have been willing, but sadly his flesh was weak,” the man said through a heavily distorted voice modulator. “Only now, under the guided and glorious reign of Catturd, can Twitter truly ascend to its true Golden Era where its ultimate purpose can be achieved: shit-posting based memes and owning the libs once and for all! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

“Also, signed copies of my newest novel, ‘Hi, I’m Joe Biden and I Just Pooped My Pants,’ are available right over there,” the man quickly added. “$52 each, not including costs for shipping and handling.”

Long time users of Twitter were quick to spot some rather noticeable changes to the website that were implemented soon after Catturd took control.

For example, Catturd abandoned Musk’s plans to offer verified accounts for a $8 a month charge; instead, he announced that all existing verifications will be terminated and that all new verified accounts be offered exclusively to January 6th criminal defendants.

Additionally, much in the vein of the now-defunct social media site Myspace and its founder Tom Anderson, all Twitter users will automatically be followed by Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor-Greene. However, users will not be able to block Taylor-Greene or remove her from their followers list, and she has already pledged she will weigh in on each and every tweet posted by the user, regardless of whether they actual desire her input or not.

Catturd also announced that he was banning all media companies from Twitter and the sharing of any of their published pieces, with the stated exceptions of Breitbart News, The Gateway Pundit, and The Gosper County Mail-Post and Cattle Report, the latter of which being a bi-weekly publication out of Nebraska that he insisted “hit on all the real stories of national importance.”

In addition, a new Twitter feature was promoted, allowing users to send AI-generated insults directly to the Democratic politician of their choice at the mere click of a button; nearly all outcomes involved references to a variety of bodily functions and fluids.

Users would also be involuntarily subjected to the “Catturd Joke of the Day;” as of press time, those have included the following attempts at humor:

“Good Morning to everyone except Applesauce Brains Joe Biden!”

“Good Morning to everyone except Mashed Potato Head Joe Biden!”

“Good Morning to everyone except Oatmeal Brains Joe Biden!”

Finally, the Twitter algorithm was adjusted so that every third tweet on users’ feeds were advertisements for Catturd’s newest self-published release, “I Bet Hillary Clinton’s Armpits Smell So Bad, Right?”

While many prominent far-right conservatives on Twitter seemed quite pleased at the newest change in the site’s ownership, ironically there was one who was ultimately less than enthused: Catturd himself.

“Ever since I took over Twitter, I’ve been losing over 15,000 followers a day,” Catturd announced on his account. “Clearly some lib shadow-banning going on. And the idiots that run this site just let it all happen. So, if anyone’s interested, go ahead and name your price.”

DETAILS AT ELEVEN.


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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2007, 03:49 PM
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