April 21, 2022

BREAKING NEWS: Russian General Aleksandr Dvornikov revealed as contestant on Fox's The Masked Singer

In a twist that shocked both primetime television viewers and geopolitical military experts alike, Russian General Aleksandr Dvornikov was revealed as the latest contestant to exit the popular Fox network game show The Masked Singer.

Dvornikov's secret persona--a pink, yellow and fuscia colored robotic Koala Bear hybrid named "Buffy"--was forced to reveal itself in front of audience members after receiving the lowest amount of votes for Dvornikov's spritely rendition of the Saweetie/Doja Cat hit song "Best Friend."

Dvornikov served as the lead Russian general in its 2015-16 military campaign in Syria, where the near-total destruction of the city of Aleppo by use of cluster munitions and thermobaric bombs has been attributed to his command. More recently, Russian President Vladimir Putin tapped Dvornikov to lead military operations in Russia's attempt to seize control over Ukraine's eastern regions after a prior attempt to take Ukraine's capital Kyiv failed and lead to a hasty retreat by Russian forces.

Prior to Dvornikov's unveiling, viewers were provided several clues hinting at his identity. These clues included a pint of human blood, a piece of hot, twisted metal shrapnel and a TOS-1 Heavy Flamethrower commonly used by soldiers under Dvornikov's command.

After being revealed to the audience, Dvornikov plainly remarked through an interpreter, "The special military operation forces under our control will crush the Banderite neo-fascists and their NATO enablers to their very last man, and the vision of a reunified brotherhood under the common banner of a Greater Russian Motherland will be realized at long last. Those who attempt to resist such a goal will suffer grave, swift and unforgettable consequences. We shall bring all enemies to their knees, and the entire world will take notice and know to never again test the great Russian giant."

Dvornikov then paused for a second and then added (again through an interpreter), "I'm out, y'all! Peace!" as the audience roared in excitement.

Despite all the fanfare surrounding Dvornikov's surprise appearance on The Masked Singer, some critics questioned the move, calling it, "morally ambiguous," "an unwise decision," and "absolutely and rightfully subjecting the entire cast and crew of an American reality singing competition show to prosecution for brutal war crimes against humanity, may God have mercy on their wretched souls."

However, producers of The Masked Singer quickly brushed off such criticism.

"Yes, sure, war is hell," one producer noted, while humming bars of "Best Friend" to himself. "We get that. But war can also be fun, and musical, and we think bringing by Alex on to our show, we were able to highlight that fun side and bring a smile to some faces. And who doesn't like to smile?"

DETAILS AT ELEVEN

April 20, 2022

So, admittedly I hadn't been paying that close attention to the "Hunter Biden laptop" story...

I knew the very general basics of it, knew that it had changed hands and thus there would naturally be issues about chain of custody on it.

So I naturally just wrote the entire story off as right-wing bullshit/disinformation, even though people on right wing social media were screaming and yelling how it was a "SMOKING GUN" of...well, something. I don't know.

As it turns out, it was in fact right-wing bullshit/disinformation.

But I had no idea how extreme right-wing bullshit/disinformation it actually is.

Turns out, it is a pure dumpster fire on a train-wreck level of bullshit/disinformation that only the stupidest, most gullible idiots would possibly believe has any merit.

To wit:

So let's just get this straight.

1. Someone had access to Hunter Biden's laptop
2. Someone added new files to that laptop thinking that wouldn't be easily detected
3. Someone actually decided to title those files "Salacious Pics Package" and "Big Guy File" because they thought that would somehow make this a SMOKING GUN of criminality.

I mean...holy shit.

What sort of brain dead thought process is that?

It's as if I wanted to frame my neighbor for murder, and so I dig a hole in his back yard, put a gun in it, and then fill it up and place a sign saying "MURDER WEAPON BURIED HERE" right above it.

That's just so pathetically lazy and half-assed I would almost feel bad for the person who thought they were a genius doing it, except that there are plenty of people out there who are more than happy to buy that story, hook, line and sinker.

April 18, 2022

I'm sorry, but as a Florida public school parent, I feel as though I must share this:

This absolutely and positively was in my children's elementary school math book, believe me and trust me because naturally you just should do that on the internet:

"Johnny--who believes that race is a social construct which historically has been used by governing powers to create an artificial hierarchy in society based solely on that race--has three apples. Kenny, who believes that the idea of "color-blindness"--while perhaps well-intentioned--has been too often been co-opted as an excuse for modern-day authorities to refuse to address historical racial injustices of the past, has two apples. How many apples would Johnny and Kenny have if they put their apples together and both agree that dominant racial groups have subconsciously created their own reality when it comes to race relations and thus are stifled in making any significant moves towards racial equity, which means racial groups are given the necessary means in order to achieve a more equal society (not to be confused with racial equality, which is merely a superficial equal distribution of such means regardless of the specified needs of any one particular group)?"

I'm sorry, but this is just not cool. Not cool at all.





(Do I even need the here?)

April 14, 2022

BREAKING NEWS: Musk offers to buy Twitter for $43 B cash, 852 quadrillion Rubles or 27 "Fartcoin"

Billionaire Elon Musk today officially sought to purchase social media giant Twitter today, offering payment in at least three different options.

Musk told Twitter shareholders the buyout could be made by payment of $43 billion in cash. Alternately, investors would also be given the option of payment of 852 quadrillion Russian Rubles--with strict fixed rate conditions--or by 27 "Fartcoin."

Fartcoin is a previously unknown cryptocurrency founded only last week by 8Chan user Boobsmaster69KKK, which languished at $0.0000001 per USD until Musk promoted the currency on his Twitter feed yesterday, thus causing its value to immediately skyrocket to $25,028 per USD at time of press.

Twitter shareholders were reportedly mulling all three offers, although some expressed a desire for even more buyout options, such as Chuck-E-Cheese tokens and those 20% Bed Bath and Beyond mailer coupons that are delivered nationwide to postal residents on a semi-regular basis.

Details at Eleven.

April 11, 2022

Another right-wing Deplorable bites the dust on Twitter.

Besides Donald Trump, I don't know if there was an account on all of Twitter that epitomized pure right-wing ugliness more than Juanita Broaddrick.

For those unfamiliar, Broaddrick's main claim to fame is that during the height of the Clinton-Lewinsky impeachment saga around 1998, she claimed that Bill Clinton sexually assaulted her back in the 1970s. And while any woman claiming sexual assault deserves the right to have their claims heard by the public (and she most definitely did that), it soon became clear that Broaddrick's story had some serious issues concerning its credibility. Beyond the lack of any contemporaneous evidence, her story read like a bad Lifetime Movie more than a believable claim of rape. It left more questions than answers, like the fact that Broaddrick actually hosted a fundraiser for Clinton just a couple of weeks after the day she would later claim the assault took place. But most problematic was the fact that she actually executed a sworn affidavit denying that she was ever sexually assaulted by Clinton, which she has never bothered to retract in any subsequent testimony.

Broaddrick's story was ultimately so useless and full of holes, Ken Starr had no use for her during his investigation of Clinton. Ken Starr--a man so determined to bring Clinton down over the slightest foible. Think about that for a moment.

Anyways, Twitter came, and Broaddrick's feed wasn't just a screed against the Clintons, but against any and all Democrats and left leaning political figures in general.

But raw partisanship is one thing; gross hypocrisy is quite another. And that's where Broaddrick was the absolute worst.

Broaddrick--who made her bread and butter her claims that she was sexually assaulted by a powerful political figure--was very quick to jump to the defense of other powerful political figures accused of sexual misconduct...so long as they were conservative Republicans. So when Roy Moore was accused of inappropriate behavior regarding underaged teenagers, Broaddrick was quick to his defense without a second question.

And when the "Access Hollywood" tapes emerged during the 2016 campaign where Donald Trump was bragging about his desire for women to "grab them by the pussy," Broaddrick within days appeared at a pre-debate event literally sitting next to Trump and defending him vehemently. And she always supported Trump vocally, through every single accusation of sexual impropriety on his part.

But the worst would have to be her spirited support of then-Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, and her below-the-belt attacks against Kavanaugh's accuser Christine Blasey Ford. Broaddrick immediately branded Ford a liar, denied she could have even possibly been telling the truth, and even mocked Ford's physical appearance and testimony mannerisms during the Senate hearings. Mind you, Ford did what Broaddrick never could do--testify under oath that she was sexually assaulted. A genuine and credible Broaddrick might have painted Ford as a kindred spirit regardless of politics.

But Broaddrick was neither genuine nor credible. She was a hypocritical and hateful hack, and she does not deserve anyone's support or lent credibility.

She made crude comments about Michelle Obama and other figures who never caused her the slightest bit of harm. She reposted White Supremacists, spread lies about COVID and vaccines, and engaged in Q-Anon conspiracy theories (even appearing at Q-Anon conferences).

Apparently in the end, it was a homophobic remark--referring to gays as "the rainbow people" and how she was "sick and tired of having their lifestyle crammed down our throats on a daily basis"--that did her in.

Good riddance to human rubbish. Truly an awful person on all levels.

Enjoy Truth Social, you bitch.

April 8, 2022

The grim geography lesson of war.

Most people outside of Ukraine probably have not heard of Mariupol. Or Bucha. Or Kramatorsk.

Until recently, they were just dots on a map in a far off land.

Now those towns--and sadly, many more--will soon become indelible reminders of certain events that transpired there.

War, and the associated horrors that go along with it, have a way of doing such things.