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Tommy Carcetti

Tommy Carcetti's Journal
Tommy Carcetti's Journal
October 25, 2023

BREAKING NEWS: Further embarrassment as new Speaker "Mike Johnson" revealed to be AI-generated non-entity

Shortly after seemingly ending a 22-day impasse that saw the ouster of previous Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy and three subsequent failed Speaker-Designates, House Republicans suffered an unexpected embarrassment as it was revealed that the newly elected Speaker, Mike Johnson of Louisiana, did not in fact exist in reality in any physical shape or form.

Instead, the alleged individual known as “Mike Johnson” was ultimately determined to be a completely AI-generated non-entity created by a series of complex computer algorithms based entirely on internet data collected on an agglomeration of existing Congressional Republicans.

“To say I’m embarrassed is a bit of an understatement,” one House Republican remarked. “I mean, I could have sworn Mike Johnson was an actual person. Honestly, the name sounded familiar enough. And I saw that he was a Republican from Louisiana, so that checked out. So, who was I to know that it turns out he was just an AI generated bot?”

Suspicion grew about Johnson’s existence when none of the 435 members of the House could ever remember ever having any sort of prior interaction with him either face-to-face or by any other means of communication.

While pictures of the alleged Mike Johnson widely circulated throughout the media prior to his election as Speaker, many people missed certain hints that those photos were actually created by AI image generating programs.

“There was a certain unearthly glossy sheen to all the pictures of the guy that just didn’t sit right,” MIT Data Tech analyst Tom Peters said. “That, and the fact that he appeared to have seven fingers on his right hand, an abnormally long neck, a third leg, and his suit jacket blended seamlessly into his bare left arm.”

Information in the fictitious Johnson’s official biography and various press releases also set off some red flags.

“His bio states he attended The University of Louisiana in New Orleans,” Peters noted. “But in reality, there is no such school. There's a University of Louisiana in Lafayette, and a Louisiana State University in Baton Rouge. There must have been some crossed signals that ChatGPT was unable to independently justify.”

Peters said that Johnson was created by AI programs tasked with creating the profile of an archetypal Republican in Congress.

“A white male with a common sounding Anglo-American name, coming out the Southeast, expressing doubts about the validity of the 2020 election and signaling opposition to various policies of President Biden such as providing further military assistance to Ukraine,” Peters said. “All in all, computers couldn’t have made a more perfect Republican.”

Despite the underlying shame of electing a Speaker of the House who—as facts revealed—never actually existed, House Republicans say they have no current plans to replace the Faux Mike Johnson with an actual sentient living human being as Speaker.

“To be perfectly blunt, Mike Johnson’s everything we wanted in a Speaker, even though he’s nothing more than a very long string of zeroes and ones,” a Republican congressperson was quoted as saying. “We wanted someone who would cause government to come to a complete halt, thus sabotaging any efforts President Biden might have sought in progressing his agenda for the country’s interest. And who could be more perfect at doing that than someone who doesn’t actually exist in reality?”

DETAILS AT ELEVEN

October 12, 2023

I honestly really don't know what to say at all about the situation in Israel and Gaza.

Other than the fact that it is horrible. All of it. Every little bit of it.

I'm not even going to attempt to assign blame, or take sides, or claim who is justified or what.

The entire situation, dating back years to decades, is complex and difficult to an exponential degree.

And every action seems to cause a reaction that only seems to compound upon itself, and by that point, any justification of anyone's actions seems to become more and more muted as the actions and reactions ping-pong.

In this respect, it is nothing like the current situation with the Russia-Ukraine War, which is pretty much as cut-and-dry as you can get when it comes to right and wrong.

The only thing I can say for certain is that any atrocities or hostilities directly targeting innocent civilians can never be justified. Ever. No matter who engages for it, or whatever reason they claim to do so.

And that's the only tiny slice of moral clarity that I can get out of this entire morass.

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