BREAKING NEWS: Congress conditions further aid to Ukraine with construction of Louisiana waterpark

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson (R-Louisiana) announced today his support for a plan that would condition any further aid and support for Ukraine in its ongoing war against Russia with construction of what he termed as a “totally bitchin’” waterpark in his home district.

Speaking before reporters, Johnson explained his thought process behind the policy move.

“While like all Americans, we offer our continued prayers and emotional support for the Ukrainian people in their fight against Russian aggression and occupation, there are nonetheless limits to be had,” Johnson said. “We must first look towards our own needs before those of all others, and especially the needs of parents in Northwestern Louisiana desperate to take their bored children someplace new on a hot summer’s day.”

With that, Johnson announced that any further packages of military aid and surplus equipment intended for the beleaguered European country must be paired with funding for Aquapolis, a sprawling new 32-acre water theme park to be constructed in suburban Eastwood, Louisiana, just outside of Shreveport.

“We’re not just talking about some rinky-dink little regional water park with a splash pad and a couple of small slides,” Johnson continued. “Aquapolis is going to have it all—over a dozen slides, including two side-by-side racing slides, a massive wave pool, a rapids rafting ride, a fast-paced water coaster and plenty of room for lounging, sunbathing and splashing galore. And if Ukrainians value their freedom and independence enough, they’ll understand that Americans too have a right to summertime fun and recreation. Otherwise, they’re more than welcome to take on Vladimir Putin all by themselves.”

Johnson pushed back against the notion that withholding invaluable equipment such as anti-tank missiles and fighter jets necessary for Ukraine to conduct counter-offensive operations unless funding for Aquapolis is approved was in any way an improper demand.

“Yes, Ukrainians have seen virtually all of the city of Mariupol reduced to rubble,” Johnson said. “They saw citizens in Bucha murdered in their own homes and their bodies left lying in the streets. So, they would be in the perfect position to emphasize with Shreveportians desperate to beat the August heat.”

“Because, let’s face it, Splash Kingdom Oasis just isn’t going to cut it anymore,” he added, referring to Shreveport’s other water park destination that opened back in 2010.

Sources close to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky describe him as being somewhat baffled by this most recent turn in events, but in a video statement released online, the leader nonetheless vowed to do everything it would take to receive the continued support of the United States.

“My American brothers and sisters, what is most important in all of this is the well-being of the next generation,” Zelensky said. “American children, free to have a place where their summer camp can take them for a carefree couple of hours. Ukrainian children, free not to be forcibly kidnapped by members of the Russian military and sent to far-off corners of Russia to be re-educated. We all remain forever one in the same in our problems and struggles.”

Johnson seemed to echo the Ukrainian president’s concerns about the perils faced by all parties going forward.

“I am sure that Ukrainians are fearful about the prospects of losing their homeland to an oppressive foreign invader,” Johnson said. “Just as some eight-year-old kid might be fearful the first time he stares down the Big Zipper Tornado Funnel Slide. Bottom line is if he is able to take that plunge, so should they. Let's help that little boy out, okay?”

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