BREAKING NEWS: Disillusioned Musk announces sale of Twitter to conservative personality Catturd

[Tommy Carcetti]

Just days after his $44 Billion purchase of social media giant Twitter was completed, billionaire businessman Elon Musk made a surprise announcement he was now selling the popular website. The sale was announced after a tumultuous week where Musk fired the entire corporate board, floated a system where people would pay $8 for a verified account, and the site was reportedly inundated by purveyors of hate speech and conspiracy theories soon after his takeover took place.

And the purchaser of Twitter? Its very own far-right provocateur poster who goes by the screen name “Catturd.”

“After some long soul searching and hard contemplation, I have decided to sell my entire share of control in Twitter to Catturd, as unfortunately my leadership has failed to meet his stated demands of stopping all shadow banning and purging of his followers,” Musk announced over his Twitter account. “Mr. Turd has agreed to pay the requested purchase price in the amount of $83.17, along with two Circuit City gift cards of indeterminate value.”

Catturd—who is the digital alter ego of one Mr. Phillip L. Buchanan living in the small Florida panhandle town of Wewahitchka—has amassed nearly 1 million followers and his jabs at Democrats and liberals are frequently re-tweeted by popular conservative figures such as Ted Cruz and Marjorie Taylor Greene, as well as former President Donald Trump before his account was suspended in January 2021. Buchanan also frequently uses his account to peddle the sale of various Catturd merchandise and several of his self-published novels—all written under his Catturd moniker—including one where he crudely depicts New York Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez as a farting space alien.

Soon after Musk completed the sale, a press conference was announced in front of Catturd Manor in Wewahitchka featuring only a man in a suit wearing a mask of the Catturd mascot, that being a cartoonish glasses-wearing white cat.

“Elon Musk’s spirit may have been willing, but sadly his flesh was weak,” the man said through a heavily distorted voice modulator. “Only now, under the guided and glorious reign of Catturd, can Twitter truly ascend to its true Golden Era where its ultimate purpose can be achieved: shit-posting based memes and owning the libs once and for all! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

“Also, signed copies of my newest novel, ‘Hi, I’m Joe Biden and I Just Pooped My Pants,’ are available right over there,” the man quickly added. “$52 each, not including costs for shipping and handling.”

Long time users of Twitter were quick to spot some rather noticeable changes to the website that were implemented soon after Catturd took control.

For example, Catturd abandoned Musk’s plans to offer verified accounts for a $8 a month charge; instead, he announced that all existing verifications will be terminated and that all new verified accounts be offered exclusively to January 6th criminal defendants.

Additionally, much in the vein of the now-defunct social media site Myspace and its founder Tom Anderson, all Twitter users will automatically be followed by Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor-Greene. However, users will not be able to block Taylor-Greene or remove her from their followers list, and she has already pledged she will weigh in on each and every tweet posted by the user, regardless of whether they actual desire her input or not.

Catturd also announced that he was banning all media companies from Twitter and the sharing of any of their published pieces, with the stated exceptions of Breitbart News, The Gateway Pundit, and The Gosper County Mail-Post and Cattle Report, the latter of which being a bi-weekly publication out of Nebraska that he insisted “hit on all the real stories of national importance.”

In addition, a new Twitter feature was promoted, allowing users to send AI-generated insults directly to the Democratic politician of their choice at the mere click of a button; nearly all outcomes involved references to a variety of bodily functions and fluids.

Users would also be involuntarily subjected to the “Catturd Joke of the Day;” as of press time, those have included the following attempts at humor:

“Good Morning to everyone except Applesauce Brains Joe Biden!”

“Good Morning to everyone except Mashed Potato Head Joe Biden!”

“Good Morning to everyone except Oatmeal Brains Joe Biden!”

Finally, the Twitter algorithm was adjusted so that every third tweet on users’ feeds were advertisements for Catturd’s newest self-published release, “I Bet Hillary Clinton’s Armpits Smell So Bad, Right?”

While many prominent far-right conservatives on Twitter seemed quite pleased at the newest change in the site’s ownership, ironically there was one who was ultimately less than enthused: Catturd himself.

“Ever since I took over Twitter, I’ve been losing over 15,000 followers a day,” Catturd announced on his account. “Clearly some lib shadow-banning going on. And the idiots that run this site just let it all happen. So, if anyone’s interested, go ahead and name your price.”

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