I have ended a friendship with a MAGA

[pat_k]

42. The only comparison I have...

Last edited Thu Jun 19, 2025, 01:59 AM - Edit history (1)

I do not have any MAGA people among my family and friends, but do know people who are struggling with it. How to be honest and compassionate? When is it time to stay "No More"?

The only comparison I have happened back in the 2000's with a friend I had valued for many years. I had moved out of state, so we just connected every few months or so. In one phone call, when I was lobbying for impeachment of Bush Cheney for war crimes, I talked about what I was up to. I don't recall exactly what he said, but it was an endorsement of torture. I was shocked and told him I couldn't continue the conversation. I was too shocked.

When I thought I had my feelings a bit sorted, I called him back. I don't recall exactly what I said, but started with how much I valued our connection over the years. That I assumed he knew me well enough to know how highly I valued integrity in personal relationships and our duty as Americans to hold leaders to account on fundamental values, and that perhaps the most basic of those values were the human rights embodied in the Geneva conventions. I asked him if he had meant what he said. That I really wanted to understand what was going on. His response was fox news propaganda. I told him what he sounded like to me and what I was interested in was his personal feelings. When he thinks about those who fought in WWII for the type of values embodied in the conventions, and then thinks about about how those conventions were being broken, what did he feel?

He didn't express any feelings, just more propaganda noises. I told him that as much as I valued how we had supported each other over the years, what he was expressing was breaking my heart and triggered a lot of fear because I didn't want to lose the relationship, but his views were so at odds with my identity I couldn't see our friendship continuing -- particularly in light of the claim he didn't really feel anything about the war crimes, that it was just politics. I told him I'd be happy to talk more when he had had a chance to reflect on his personal feelings.

He called a week or so later expressing upset over this "difference of opinion" being something I would end our friendship over. I tried to explain that to me such fundamental values were not opinion. That there were many things over which the people in my life and I disagree, but that for me, this was too basic. I told him I was so sad it came to this, but I just didn't want someone in my life who apparently didn't value basic human rights. I returned to the question of what he personally felt about torture, and I think I named off a couple other values. Didn't get anywhere. I said this was all too raw. That perhaps at some point in the years to come, we could talk, but that for now, I didn't want to hear from him. He told me that I was being ridiculous.

I did my best to express that his attitude toward my heartfelt needs and feelings in that moment cinched it for me and I said goodbye.

He left messages periodically over the years. We spoke again about a decade ago, but it became clear pretty quick his world view hadn't changed and he thought my feelings were just wrong. I did my best to let him know I could see how my position upset him. If he had questions, I'd try to answer, but we seemed to just cover the same ground. The upshot was me saying something like if he couldn't "get" me on this, it left me questioning whether he ever really "got me" on anything.

I said goodbye again. Who knows. Perhaps he'll shift perspective and want to talk someday, but I'm not holding my breath.

I try to engage. I try to understand. I believe my fellow human beings deserve compassion -- even when they seem to have disowned the compassionate parts of themselves. But compassion is not just about "getting along" -- it is about being honest. It is about setting boundaries, clearly. At no point did I try to coerce or change his mind, or belittle, or shame him. I just asked questions and did my best to give honest responses about where I was coming from as clearly as I was able to in the moment.