Physical violence is a *late* sign of an abusive relationship.

[moriah]

For months, years even, they will groom their victims. Make the victim dependent on their abuser, emotionally, financially, whatever way they can manage it.

It starts out subtle. Mean comments that are immediately apologized for. Oh, abusers are great at apologizing. But the apology is never actually saying that the abuser is wrong, just that "they didn't mean to hurt your feelings". This reinforces the message that the insult was true, and makes the victim grateful that someone would put up with someone so flawed.

They'll justify their jealousy and temper tantrums with "I love you so much baby, I'd die if you left me..." "I'm sorry I got so mad, I just love you so much and can't stand the thought of ..." -- making it seem like a compliment that they're angry and jealous, that they're just so in love they can't help themselves.

But after they've thoroughly convinced you they love you, then it becomes that the victim doesn't love the abuser enough. "If you loved me, you'd not disrespect me by talking to her. You know she doesn't like me." "If you loved me, you would want to stay at home." "If you really loved me, you wouldn't let your friends say bad things about me." "If you really loved me, you'd forgive me." "You wouldn't want your own money/car/job if you really loved me, you're just planning to leave me." They make the victim out to be the bad person, not them.

It's only when these tactics have succeeded.... when the victim feels she's lucky to have him, that she's so worthless no one else would have her..... When she's isolated, dependent, trapped by pregnancy or a child or having had her finances controlled by another for years.... When's used to being told what to do, who to see, where she can go.... When she's used to walking on eggshells and blaming herself when he yells at her and calls her names.....

That they throw the first punch, or kick, or slap, or shove, or whatever. And since they already know how to make the victim forgive them, it won't be the last.

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So when you ask why a woman hasn't left a man who hit her for the first time last week, or why she went back two weeks later after you helped her leave.... remember, the abuse hasn't been going on just a week. It's likely been going on from the moment they met. The damage to their self-esteem has been ongoing for far longer than the damage to their bodies.