Barbie was surprisingly good! (No spoilers)

[Wolf Frankula]

6. A response to Barbie, years ago.

The Reiver Curse (Lallands) upon Barbie

I denounce, proclamis, and declaris all and sindry the committaris
of the said saikles whynyng; prympyng, advertysyng, symperings,
bobbyng, smyrking and spulezeis, oppinly apon day licht and under
silence of nicht, alswele within temporale landis as kirklandis;
togither with Midge, Ken, Skipper, Barbie, Scooter, Brad, Francie,
Todd, PJ, Stacie and all the raist of her vinyl clan, wittandlie
resettaris of thair personis, the clothes and accessories of thaim,
art or part thereof, and their manufactureris and retaileris, of
thair evil dedis generalie CURSIT, waryit, aggregeite, and
reaggregeite, with the GREIT CURSING.

I curse their heid and all the haris of thair heid; I curse thair
face, thair ene, thair mouth, thair neise, thair toung, thair
teith, thair crag, thair schulderis, thair breist, thair hert, thair
stomok, thair bak, thair wame, their armes, thair leggis, thair
handis, thair feit, and everilk part of thair body, frae the top of
their heid to the soill of thair feit, befoir and behind, within and
without.

I curse her gangand, and I curse her rydand; I curse her, standand, and I curse her sittand; I curse her etand, I curse her drinkand; I curse her walkand, I curse her sleepand; I curse her rysand, I curse her lyand; I curse her at hame, I curse her fra hame; I curse her within the box, I curse her without the box; I curse her kin, her friends, and her
bandis participand with her in her deides. I wary herdressys, her brushis, her shoon, her sunglassis, her horse, her doll stand, her mermaid tailcover, her mirrouris,her plateris, her glassis, her spoonis
fourkis, knivis, cuppis, and all her quyk gude. I wary her hallis, chalmeris, her kechingis, her stanillis, hervanis, her airplainis, her sports carris, her beautie shopp, her skoolis, her hospitaliss, and the gudis and housis that is necessair for her sustentatioun and weilfair.


All the malesouns and waresouns that ever gat warldlie creatur sen the begynnyng of the warlde to this hour mot licht apon her. Themaledictioun of God, that lichtit apon Lucifer and all his fallowis,
that strak her frae the hie hevin to the deip hell, mot licht apon
her. The fire and the swerd that stoppit Adam far the yettis of
Paradise, mot stop her frae the gloir of Hevin, quhill thai
forbere and mak amendis. The malesoun that lichtit on cursit Cayein,
quhen he slew his bruther just Abell saiklessly, mot licht on her
for the saikles slauchter that thai commit dailie. The maledictioun
that lichtit apon all the warlde, man and beist, and all that ever
tuk life, quhen all was drownit be the flude of Noye, except Noye
and his ark, mot licht apon thame and droune thame, man and beist,
and mak this warld cummirless of her for her wicket synnys.
The thunnour and fireflauchtis that set doun as rane apon the cities
of Zodoma and Gomora, with all the landis about, and brynt thame for
her vile sinnys, mot rane apon her, and birne her for oppin
synnis. The malesoun and confusion that lichtit on the Gigantis for
her oppressioun and pride, biggand the tour of Babiloun, mot
confound her and all her werkis, for her oppin sympering and
whinyng All the plagis that fell apon Pharao and his pepill of
Egipt, her landis, corne, and cataill, mot fall apon her, her
housis, rowmys and stedingis, kin and frendis. The watter of
Tweid and utheris watteris quhair thai ride mot droun her, as the
Reid Sey drownit King Pharao and his pepil of Egipt, persewing Godis
pepill of Israell. The erd mot oppin, riffe and cleiff, and swelly
her quyk to hell, as it swellyit cursit Dathan and Abiron, that
ganestude Moeses and the command of God. The wy1d fyre that byrnt
Thore and his fallowis to the nowmer of twa hundredth and fyty, and
utheris 14,000 and 700 at anys, usurpand aganis Moyses and Aaron,
servandis of God, not suddanely birne and consume her dailie
ganestandand the comandis of God and halykirk. The malediction that
lichtit suddanely upon fair Absolon, rydant contrair his fadcr, King
David, servand of God, throw the wod, quhen the branchis of ane tre
fred him of his horse and hangit him be the hair, mot licht apon
her, rydand again trew wimmen, and hang her siclike that all
the warld may se.

And all the vengeance that evir was takin sen the warlde began for
oppin synnys and all the plagis and pestilence that ever fell on man
or beist, mot fall on her for her oppin vilenes, counsel of weaknes, misleading of innocent girls. y company with her,etand, drynkand, spekand, prayand, lyand, gangand, standand, or in any uther deid doand, under the paine of deidly syn. I discharge all bandis, actis, contractis, athis and obligatiounis made to her by ony persounis,. outher of lawte, kyndenes or manrent, salang as she susteine this cursing, sua that na man be bundin to her and that she be hundin till all men. I tak fra her and cryis doune all the gude dedis that ever she did or sall do, quhill thai ryse frae this cursing.

And, finally, I condemn her perpetualie to the deip pit of hell,
the remain with Lucifer and all his fallowis, and thair bodeis to
the gallowis of the Burrow Mure, first to be hangit, syne revin and
ruggit with doggis, swyne, and utheris wyld beists, abhominable to
all the warld. And their candillis gangis frae your sicht, as mot
their saulis gang fra the visage of God, and thai rgude faim fra the
warld, quhill thai forbeir thair oppin synnys foirsaidis and ryse
frae this terribill cursing, and mak satisfaction and pennance.

In the Lallands language of 500 years ago.

Wolf