I had a friend.

[LuckyCharms]

He tried to hang himself.

He fucked it up, and was not successful.

He phoned me in such a state that I could not understand him. Uncontrollable sobbing.

He managed to tell me about his failed suicide attempt, and that he was calling me to say goodbye because he was getting ready to try it again. He figured out what he did wrong during his failed attempt. His phone call was was his cry for help.

He lives on another coast from me. We talked, maybe 5 or 6 hours. I wouldn't let him get off the phone. We got through his crisis together.

He subsequently told me that I saved his life, and he would never forget it. I've never felt so proud.

He then unceremoniously cut contact with me. I still love him though. He's still alive too.

I had a friend of 60 years whose alcoholism gradually worsened. He became someone else. Never thought I would lose him as a friend though, but I did. The alcohol took my place, and the place of all of his other friends. He's still alive.

Lost my father at age 11. Lost my mom in the 2010's. Lost my brother to Covid in 2021. Lost my in-laws. F-I-L died in my arms. My brother was the kindest man who ever walked this earth.

My female siblings always told me they loved me. They lived out of town. I was their hero. They always said "Lucky, you're going to go to heaven". "You're a saint for how you are helping mom". This was because I was my mom's caretaker. They got to go on their cruises while she dies. I got to watch her die. The very second my mom finally passed, the long knives came out and I never fucking heard from them again. I was no longer needed by them. They hated my mother. And they put up a front that they loved her. I was their conduit for that façade. I did the caretaking work so they didn't have to...and I got a big fuck you out of the deal the SECOND my mom passed. and I took care of her while having my own serious chronic health problems. I literally lost my entire fake fucked up family as an adult. I was lied to. I was never loved by them, but I was useful.

So now all of this is hitting me, as it sometimes does, but never this badly.. I can't talk to my spouse about all that has happened. She knows the whole story, and she is so fucking furious over the people who have left me, that she gets angry when I try to talk about it. Not angry AT me, but angry FOR me. We both end up in tears of rage.

I feel like my friend did when he tried to off himself. His problems were very similar to mine.

There is no one in my life that will be able to help me. There is no one that will talk to me for 6 hours. There is no one telling me that I'll be alright. There is no one telling me that I did good.

You ever try to talk to someone about how you are really feeling, and they cut you off and start talking about themselves? That is the way my face-to-face friends are. So I just listen to them like I always have. What am I going to do? Tell them I need a hug? Beg them to listen to me? Please fucking listen to me? Hold onto me, because I'm falling off the face of the earth?

So, I post this shit here. because no one fucking knows me here.

And there's not a person here who can help me either.

Diagnosed with C-PTSD and major depression. I manage it myself. I'm off all meds. I live my life in service to others, and that helps. It helps me forget my physical illnesses as well.

But now I need help, and I have no where to turn. Therapy does not help me. I just want someone who loves me, who knows me, who knows what i did, who knows the people I've lost, to fucking listen...for hours. And not someone who gets paid to do it and sit there and nod their head as I talk. That will be $100 Lucky, see you next visit, motherfucker.

I'm in a bad way, but no one would ever know it until this post.

My face-to-face friends don't know. all they know is that they can come to me with their problems. And I'll do whatever it takes to help them. I always have and always will.

I don't need any words of advice here. No sympathy. We all have our problems.

I hate when this stuff hits me, because I love to crack jokes and post here, but I can't think of any good shit to post anymore.

True Dough's post got me thinking about how I want to be remembered. and maybe someone at my funeral will say I was a good man who did good things. But I won't hear it.

What doesn't help...during my working days, I had a TON of friends. We all used to say that we would take a bullet for each other. Every single one of them is a Trumper now.

I apologize to anyone who reads this stupid fucking post, but I had to get it out. It's killing me slowly.

So I type and type and type...

The "Saint" who is "going to go to heaven" types and type and types like a fucking fool.

I hope I have the balls to not delete this post.

I read those stupid fucking quotes on the internet to try to help me. That inspirational bullshit. It doesn't help.

Hence my sig line...
Midnight on a carousel ride, reaching for the gold ring down inside. Never could reach it, just slips away. But I try.

I try.

I guess this post isn't very "lounge-like".

No response necessary. I won't know how to reply. Thanks for reading.