Lack of male role models, abusive childhood, subsequent self hatred.

[Denninmi]

2. Great questions.

The first one - I can't think of a single person, known to me personally or just publicly that I would consider a role model. People I admire greatly, of course, such as Hillary or Jimmy Carter or the Obama's. A few people I knew in my life that were brilliant, a couple of former professors and teachers. I really admire my one BIL, and my boss and co-worker, a minister I know as a client. But no one I would view as a role model. Just the anti-role model I had as a child. Maybe that's a problem.

You are correct, and your second paragraph and your second set of questions are exactly the same ones my therapist asks frequently. The answer is ... Because they see good traits in me, I am kind and friendly and generous and genuinely concerned for people I know, and for society in general. I can recognize these intellectually, it's emotionally I really struggle. Very irrational, perhaps bordering on the paranoid of myself?

Thank you for your response, I appreciate it and it's insightful and helpful.