Lack of male role models, abusive childhood, subsequent self hatred.

[radicalliberal]

7. Denninmi, I hear you quite well. Although my own background regarding my father was not as . . .

. . . severe as yours, I feel that our two individual situations are quite similar. I have no difficulty at all with identifying with what you have said in your OP.

I almost hesitated to post, because those who have already posted ahead of me have said a lot and have expressed themselves better than I am about to do. But I still felt the need to post because I feel that we share so much in common.

I hope you realize that your father was guilty of self-projection to the extreme when he tore you down. He hated himself and projected that hatred through you. Some may object to what I'm about to say, but I don't care. Denninmi, your father was an evil man. If he had not been your father, he still would have acted the same way. You did not choose him. You were an innocent child. I am a father of two young daughters, both of whom have turned out to be better human beings than I was at their ages. If I had been your father, I would have been extremely proud of you; and I would have let you know that.

I know it's a cliche, but I feel your pain. At least to a degree. I never bonded with my dad. When I was a kid, I was ashamed of being scrawny. Perhaps I was guilty of self-projection of my own when I'd see him walking around the house in his boxer shorts. I thought his chubby physique (replete with chicken legs) was ugly, just as I viewed myself as not being very masculine. So, when I saw my sixth-grade P.E. coach on the first day of school, I thought He's stronger than my dad. He's better looking than my dad. I wish he were my dad. Of course, since mandatory boys' P.E. was exclusively centered around sports and I was not good at or even interested in any sport, I was invisible to him. Once he took the class out to the field behind the school building for a game of football. I was quite dismayed by what was about to happen; so, I had to tell him, "Coach, I don't even know how the game of football is played." He simply responded in a near robotic tone of voice, "Just stand in the field somewhere." I was amazed. I had feared he would yell at me or humiliate me. I almost wish he had. What he actually said amazed me, as if many of the boys in his P.E. classes had told him they didn't know how football was played. I didn't realize it at the time, but his non-response haunted me. Although throughout my life I've tended to be a loner more or less, I still felt excluded from the community of boys and felt inferior as a result.

As I've said on more than one occasion (in this forum as well as others at other websites), I've been working with a personal trainer on a bodybuilding program at a local health club. Actually, I've worked with a succession of PTs, as each one has gone on to different jobs. The experience has been psychologically therapeutic as well as physically beneficial. When I was a boy, for different reasons I was nervous around and even feared any guy who had a muscular build. In high school I had no desire to have anything to do with any of the football players -- as I thought they all probably viewed me as being inferior, anyway. But at my health club I've had positive relationships with all of my PTs, all of whom are young athletic guys. Mandatory P.E. was a nightmare for me, but I feel like I belong at my health club.

I've said all this to try to establish common ground with you. Please, man, don't let your father drag you down! You don't deserve that! Please remember that you're not alone. More than a few men have had bad fathers, who never deserved the privilege of becoming one.

(For the record, my father was not abusive. To the contrary, he was a very good man. I learned valuable lessons from his example. He didn't need to lecture to me. Lectures aren't always effective, anyway. His problem was he didn't know how to be a father. He even admitted this to one of the members of his family. His mother had been married and divorced five times, if I remember correctly. So, he did not grow up with a constant role model in his home as he grew up. I say this so no one will think I'm badmouthing my dad.)

I know you have a problem accepting compliments, but please accept mine! You have already shown yourself to be a strong man. You put out your best efforts in your workouts. Above all, you have survived all the abuse you suffered as you were growing up; and you're dealing with your problems. You have not given up. As far as I'm concerned, this is high praise! What you need to do is look to the future more than you do the past. This is something I also need to do. I didn't even begin to understand the misery of my boyhood and adolescence until I was 57 years old in the summer of 2007, which also was the time I joined my health club. I was definitely short-changed in more ways than one when I was a teenager. Now I have to deal with diabetes and a chronic sleep disorder. (As you know, good sleep is essential for bodybuilding.) But in addition to mustering enough self-discipline to overcome my sleep disorder over time, I also have to look forward to the future. Again, I'm trying to establish common ground here.

I repeat Warren's concern: If you are feeling suicidal, get professional help! We are on your side, and we are pulling for you. I dare say that we love you and that you're not alone! You will be victorious, my friend!