Hi, my name is Tav

[tavalon]

Fourteen years ago, I went into recovery for codependency. It saved my life, or rather, with its help, I saved my life. Unfortunately, I didn't keep up my practice with the years and with it being such an insidious disease, I guess it was only a matter of time.

Last year, I contacted an old friend (actually, my first husband). He was out of work. He only seemed to call when there was a crisis and I felt sorry for him so yeah, I sent money. Also, he used to be the best programmer ever, so, living in Seattle, I invited him to come stay with us and look for a job in Seattle. It's a target rich environment. When he got here, I was shocked. Somehow, I had missed that he was a prescription drug addict. He overused his medicine and when he ran out he would have seizures. He was here three months. We told him that if he didn't have any leads by the end of November we would be sending him back. He was surprised when we actually got him a ticket. I think he really thought we wouldn't do it. At the last minute he asked me to change where he was going so he could crash with a friend. And yeah, I did it. Friend is kicking him out tomorrow. I have no idea if that means kicking him out into the snow or to a shelter or ___________. It's taken all of my will power not to ask.

Sure seems like this post is all about him, huh? Nope. It's about me. I got soul sick again. 14 years later and the hole was just as deep and the mountain is just as high. The only difference is I know what I have to do. Detach with love. Let go and Let _______. No more rescuing, no more enabling. I can't save him. I can only save me. I'm heartsick but I'm back in recovery, going to meetings and reading my books again. Journaling again. I'd like to say I'm living one day at a time, but I'm working on one hour at a time right now. I'm terrified that he will die and yet, I have to let go. It's not up to me. It never was.

Sometimes, though, I remember to breathe.

Thanks for listening. And hey, just like at meetings, it's okay not to offer me advice. I'd actually prefer that you didn't. Virtual hugs are gratefully accepted though.