When he was first given the possible diagnosis, we discussed the option of not riding it to the end, because it's a horrible, progressive, incurable, degenerative disease. As a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, his life had been all about the mind. And he was losing his. We actually almost bought a place on Bonaire, because it is Dutch, has medically assisted suicide available. But my husband decided there was nothing wrong with him and that he was only "aging" and refused to go through with the offer we'd made on a condo there. As time went on he became more aggressive and verbally abusive.
I spent almost a year in therapy trying to figure out how to live with the situation. I had almost left him about 10 years earlier after 20+ years of marriage, but didn't. It's my big regret. So I know about guilt. After 32 years of marriage, I left him, to save myself. Both my sons turned against me. Six months later his first attempt at suicide was on my birthday. He ended up in the geriatric psych unit for 2 weeks. The hospital wouldn't release him without someone living at home. So my oldest son and his partner moved in. After 3 weeks my son emailed me to apologize for everything he said, and told me he was done and moving out. The youngest son stepped up and found a retirement place for his father and helped him move.
We put the house on the market. The week before it was due to close, my husband blew his brains out, the day after his birthday. My oldest son told me he was actually relieved, because he wouldn't have to listen to him talking about how he would do it anymore. Apparently he'd been talking about suicide all the time, for the year since I'd left him.
Do what you can for as long as you can and then let go. Take care of yourself, too. Don't feel guilty. We all have limits and we all have to do whatever we can to survive.
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