It seems (i could be wrong) that you'd hoped to be ? more recognized, have gotten better (non-band related) jobs that kept going foward into better things? And/or keep a particular band together.
Well, what I wanted was to be able to make a decent living being a creator of entertainment. I started out doing plays, and then started some bands and then went into acting full time. During breaks I would play with bands or join them because I saw something in the members. My end game was to be another John Carpenter... the kind of creator who can do it all... write, direct, act, create and play the music, edit... all of it I can do.
But, that did not happen. And, I don't mean that I did not become as big of a creator as they are. I mean I never even got the chance to go for that. No one cares. I don't look like Brad Pitt, so I never got the chance to follow the acting thing, and because I don't look like Jim Morrison, I never got any band anywhere other than being a roadhouse group. The 'Greek Ideal' has been one of the biggest delusions ever perpetuated on our society, and we still buy into it every single day.
Yes, I agree with your assessment regarding the percentage of people who told me that I was good. That is why it is even stranger to consider that I was unable to make any kind of go of it. That is also why I have to keep the 'lying to me' possibility there. Because that would explain why things ended up as they did. Otherwise, I guess I would have to consider 'divine (or infernal, depending on one's beliefs) intervention', and I just don't see that as a possibility in my life. I still stand on the fact that I was not a greek god as to why I never got further in my career. Being someone who had the talents that I have, but who looks like Sorrell Booke. (Boss Hogg from 'The Dukes of Hazzard'.)
Although I feel I have been logical with my attempts to offer reasons as to why it is better for everyone if I check out, it is always the depression talking. That is why I need help. And, that is why I won't be able to get it. They are just too 'precious' with healthcare these days, and I don't own a gold mine in South Africa. They don't want to help people. They want to get rich from people. Otherwise, the medical profession would have shot down Big Pharma immediately.
I am in dire financial straits. It is not just the medical aspects of it. It is all by design.
I am a waste of time because I am not a conformist. In today's society, one has to be (to some extent anyway) if one wants to be able to have anything like a 'decent life'. I refuse to become one. So, I get nothing.
And, these days, I have no arguments left anymore. Like I said, it is time to make room for those who
can make a difference.
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