Messed up again today...

[hunter]

2. Intellectually, I know a huge amount of my problems are OCD.

It may even start with that.

OCD --> Major Depression --> disrupted sleep patterns --> away I go on my downwards spiral.

I'm not in the downward spiral place yet, at least I hope not, not in my Depressed OCD dark place, but man, I woke up at least five times last night from dreams (REM sleep) that were going in a very bad direction.

What's different now is I can break out and go right back to sleep.

My off-my-meds dysfunctional self either gets trapped in a nightmare I can't escape from, or else I wake up and can't go back to sleep, obsessive thoughts racing through my head.

I used to get out of bed and run long distances whenever that happened, which sometimes resulted in interesting early-A.M. encounters with the police, and eventually wore out my knees and hips. It hurts too much to run now.

Part of it is in the air I think. I live in an agricultural community in California and this drought has people scared. Winter is supposed to be wet here, starting around the end of October. The hills are supposed to be green by now but they are still brown.

I was born in California and have lived here most of my life. My great-grandparents were dairy and cattle people. A few roads around here have family names on them -- 19th century cousins.

This weather ain't right.