When is it time

[mzteris]

to intervene?

You try not to interfere. You try to get them to help themselves. And they have taken the "first steps" - sort of. But they are falling apart. Minute by minute. It sounds like. You only have phone contact. One call they're all I don't know what to do I'm falling apart. The next it's stop trying to run my life. The next it's screaming and anger. The next it's tears and confusion.

You think if you can get them to hang on until the meds kick in (probably at least another week or two - more likely two or three but hey I'm trying to get him to hang the fuck on!)

He's trying to make life changing decisions in the the throws of a deep clinical depression (he went off his meds). His gd stupid mf'ing new doctors think his request for "anxiety" medication is some sort of gd ruse to get drugs. Hell, he's had full fledged panic attacks since at least five years old. He exhibited OCD when he was less than a year old.

And then they give the former gd cutter a f'ing rubber band to snap when he "feels anxious" - does that sound like sound therapy to you? He kinda likes that pain . . . ijuts.

So he wants to give up everything. His life's dream. To do what? He doesn't know. He can barely decide to get out of bed. From what I can gather he's eating pretzels and hasn't bathed, washed dishes, or anything fing thing but the bare minimum - and a paid gig - hey he can get to THAT because it's part of something "larger", but he can't go to CLASS? I know the career path is fraught with angst and perfection - that's why he freaking chose it in the first place (of course he was 13 at the time) but it's seven years later and he has poured his heart and soul into it. He thinks he's a failure because he's not gd PERFECT. what artist is? If you were, why would you be an artist? He says he can't do it anymore, but he doesn't want to do anything else.

I don't know what to do. Do I go and get him? Do I let him make his own choices? WHAT? Am I being an over-bearing controlling mom, or am I saving his life if I just say fuck it and go and get him. I firmly believe if he can just hang the f on until his anti depressants kick in in a week or so, he can make "better" decisions about his life. If he could get the gd doc to prescibe real anti-anxiety meds, then he could probably function. But to give up NOW. To give up everything. To blow up every bridge and connection and possibility because you're too damn depressed/unstable to make a good decision - an informed decision - is unconscionable to me. When he gets back to being mentally stable, is he going to be totally pissed off that he ended his love/career choice under the auspices of being unstable? (And blame me of course.)

I accept the fact that no matter what the fuck, it's my fault. I blame myself, he will blame me, everyone will blame me - and I don't give a fing rats ass. I just want my son alive and kicking.

We can figure out what to do - I think. He just has to be stable enough to do it. I'm worried that he's on the edge. He feels like a failure and he will never ever ever be any good so why even try and everyone who says he has talent is LYING!

I'm half a damn country away. I cajole and encourage, I rant and threaten and bribe and try logic and emotion and blackmail and everything I can think of to just get him to HANG ON - for just a couple of more weeks. Just. Hang. On.

But I'm not sure he can last that long. So do I just go and get him. Have him committed there or here. What? he's so confused and lost and doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. He's scared and confused and I'm scared for him.

Do I get on a plane? Do I make him get on one? Do I try to MAKE him marginally function there until the meds kick in?

I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid. I feel so guilty about every damn thing, but it's not about me and I don't give a f about me - I just
1. want my kid ALIVE,
2. want him reasonable sane,
3. want him to live the life he wants,
4. don't want him making life changing decisions while clinically depressed and suffering from major anxiety and untreated OCD. (and oh yeah, did I mention he's probably at least somewhere - even on the top end - of the aspie spectrum, and we're pretty sure mild tourettes?)

What what what? I'm not all that gd stable myself at this point. I'm on my meds, but the stress is putting me over the edge which isn't fair to my other son (still at home) or anyone else.