I'm really upset about onestepforward.

[postatomic]

9. It's a reminder of just how close some of us are

I suspect that there were 'signs' but they weren't recognized or they weren't deemed significant enough to be a cause for concern.

One example of a possible sign, that gets ignored, is that someone who is depressed and struggling does a 180 and appears to be doing better - is happy. What can really be going on is that this person has decided to die and there is a feeling of comfort in knowing that the pain will soon be gone.

Like you, my meds are what keeps me alive. Right now they are starting to poop out so I'm going to have to switch to something else. I always dread this. Doing the phase out - phase in thing with meds is always hit and miss and takes awhile. Not looking forward to it.

I can't talk to my therapist about these feelings because if I cross a certain line I know she'll be on the phone with the police. Can't discuss it with my SO or anyone else. When things get really bad I just take a handful of Xanax and shut down. Not exactly a permanent fix but if it keeps me alive a little longer I guess it's not so bad.

But then, I think about the whole WHY thing. It sucks.

I really feel for onestepforward's husband. He must be struggling with a thousand horrible thoughts right now. Trying to make sense of it all and wondering what he might have been able to do to prevent this.

I hope you have someone in the 3 dimensional world that you can talk to. It sounds like you have a keen awareness of your situation which is good, even though the process sucks.

Be well.