things got ugly again

[fizzgig]

things seemed to be going well enough, then things went to shit a week ago, culminating in my husband and i deciding on friday to take a break. i've been sleeping on couches since saturday and, outside sleeping there this friday due to my schedule, i have no idea when i'll be going home.

i keep typing whole paragraphs and deleting them because none of it matters. what matters is that my life is in absolute upheaval. he was so wonderful when we met, he made me feel so safe, so loved, so beautiful. bedtime was my favorite time because he would wrap his big arms around me and hold me, it was my favorite place to be. and that is all i remember, the good. it hurts that much more because he has completely thrown out anything good we ever had because we've had rough patches. i hate myself for loving him the way i do, for needing him the way i do. and i hate myself for being willing to put up with the abuse he slings at me in hopes that the man i know he is comes back.

i'm staying with my dad right now, and i know i'm welcome to stay as long as i need, but i don't feel comfortable here. i get a feeling from my sister that she feels putout that i'm in her space, but maybe that's just projection. i've got a girlfriend i'm probably going to stay with next, but that sets me up for a 30 minute commute each way to work and money for gas that we don't really have.

we tried to talk last night (his idea) and everything was fine until it wasn't and i was, again, left completely baffled as to what happened and he wouldn't tell me why he got so pissed.

had to talk to him today about taxes and the vacuum and i'm sure he's pissed at me now for disagreeing with his diagnosis of the issue with the vacuum.

i need to just let it go. intuitively, i know that this has very little to do with me and there isn't much i can do considering he yells at me for not doing the things that i am doing. i know that he has to sort this out and i have no control over the outcome, but it sucks. this just flat out fucking sucks. i want to go home to the man i married but i honestly don't know that will ever happen and my heart is broken. at least i know he will take care of the cats while i'm away.

eta: he's seen his new therapist a couple times and, of course, has denounced the trips as a waste of money, but he's still going. i saw a glimmer of hope when he told me about his last appointment. the therapist specializes in emdr, which my husband thinks will be more beneficial than talk therapy. my guess is that the two sessions were more intake/getting to know you sessions, but my husband told the shrink he wants to get started with it. he's taking control of his treatment and i take that as a good sign.