It has been amazing to see I am not alone, I am not crazy and these people (narcs) exist.
My mom has serious medical issues which has always made the idea of going no contact with her difficult, she truly has something wrong with her. She has survived multiple brain aneurysm ruptures - each time the doctors have said she should be dead. Holy crap does that feed into her feeling of special-ness.
On the topic of the funeral - this is so hard. I am an only child and my mom has pushed away so many people that the burden of handling her arrangements are going to be on me. Like you, the abuse I suffered from her was so intense that I am still dealing with it. Thankfully the therapist I see is the son of a narc father so he gets it - he has really helped me recognize the disorder and how it has affected everything in my life. He has told me that when my mom dies (if she dies - I swear she is immortal) of course I will feel sadness, but also a sense of relief and that is an ok feeling to have - doesn't mean I am some kind of monster.
Many DONM grow up to be extremely compassionate and empathetic adults, which makes it so hard to understand how our moms have no feelings for others. I keep trying to project how I would feel in a certain situation to how my mom would feel and I am always surprised that she feels nothing.
The hardest thing for me to accept is that deep down I am a good person (years of being told by your mom that you are evil, mean, worthless etc really sunk in) and that being a caring good person is the core of who I am. I care about others genuinely, not because I fear disapproval or out of guilt - it doesn't matter if they are friends, strangers, or even 'bad' people. I am 100% a people pleaser but caring about others is separate from that. When my mom needs help, I really have to ask myself - am I helping her out of guilt, fear of the narcissistic rage, for approval not just from her but from others to be seen as the "good" daughter, or because I truly want to help her.
My therapist and friends and spouse all say walk away, that I have done enough and she doesn't deserve it. I have always resisted and reacted strongly and never could really figure out why. And then I realized that completely turning my back on her in times of need (like real need - ie hospitalization vs just attention) goes against the core of who I am. If she were a stranger and had no one else, I would help her. And by turning my back on her - that is allowing her bad behavior to change who I am. If I am reacting out of genuine compassion, then I have to be true to who I am, even if it seems counter-productive.
This is a super convoluted and rambling way to answer your question, but I wanted you to understand where I am coming from. When it comes time to attend your mother's funeral, ask yourself why you are doing it - are you going out of that guilt or fear that has been instilled for so long, that need to prove to others that you are not "horrible" for missing your mom's funeral. If that is the reason, then you are still being manipulated by her and I would say don't go.
But if you are going for a reason that is true to who you are, or maybe even to make sure she is really dead (which would in part be my reason) and she can't hurt you anymore - then go. Go because YOU want to - not because it is expected or what others would want. Either way is truly ok, and if other people in your life can't (or won't) understand your decision, screw them. It will be ok to be relieved or happy or sad or whatever combination of emotions you will feel. No one who isn't a DONM can truly understand how much fricking emotional abuse and trauma you have experienced. You have been denied the right to be your own person, to have your own feelings, to not be the emotional supply for a sick person.
People who marry or date narcs think they know, but they can't know what it is like to have your entire childhood - your personality molded through the years at the hands of someone incapable of true emotion.
Whew I went on a long tangent - I am sorry - probably should have sent this as a message. It's just your post really resonated and hit on that issue - the upcoming death of my mom, that I have been struggling with myself recently.
Much love and hugs to you 
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