FlyingSquirrel
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Sun Dec-16-07 11:51 PM
Original message |
| Wrote my first song... would like some feedback |
|
Edited on Sun Dec-16-07 11:52 PM by FlyingSquirrel
I know it's pretty simple stuff as far as the cadence and imagery goes, but was just wondering what some more experienced writers thought of it.
WELCOME TO AMERICA
Once our leaders were elected
We still vote but now they’re selected
For us
The press has been consolidated
The truth is much too complicated, don’t
Bore us
Welcome to America
The laws are changed with a signing statement
Against all reason our president
Ignores us
The bodies lie where our flag’s unfurled
But we don’t understand why the world
Abhors us
Welcome to America
What’s the Constitution
Just a Goddamned piece of paper
Let the Congress stand and watch
As the oil barons rape her
Don’t you dare try to resist
Or we’ll put you on a list
Say goodbye to all your freedoms
As they all go up in vapor...
(Solo?)
Welcome to America
I wrote this song I hoped you’d listen
But now I’m locked in a secret prison
Why....
Why, oh why....
They won’t let me die
I’ll never see the sky
Why....
Please tell me why.....
Why.......
America, goodbye.
|
| valerief
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Wed Dec-19-07 12:58 AM
Response to Original message |
| 1. I can't hear the music. nt |
| mwb970
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Fri Feb-15-08 09:27 AM
Response to Original message |
|
Interesting rhymes and rhyming patterns, minimal cliches (the "why" business is somewhat standard but could be saved by the music). Have you written chords & melody yet? Is there a recording of it?
|
| FlyingSquirrel
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Sun Mar-02-08 02:33 AM
Response to Reply #2 |
| 4. Sadly, it's only in my head. |
|
I'm not a music writer. If I could spend a few minutes with someone who writes music I could sing it for them and I'm sure they would get it pretty quick. Shoot, I don't even know how to upload a video to YouTube. I suck.
|
| frogmarch
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Tue Feb-26-08 01:16 PM
Response to Original message |
| 3. I'd really like to hear it |
|
sung. The lyrics are compelling.
There are quite a few free hosting sites where you can upload songs, etc. Putfile is one.
|
| FlyingSquirrel
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
|
Sun Mar-02-08 02:33 AM
Response to Reply #3 |
| 5. I have a buddy in a band that I haven't talked to in awhile |
|
Edited on Sun Mar-02-08 03:03 AM by FlyingSquirrel
I'm gonna try and get in touch with him and see if they are interested. If he's still in the band and they want to do the song, then I'll have them put it on YouTube too. Will probably take awhile and I'm not even sure if their band is still together.
|
DU
AdBot (1000+ posts)     |
Wed Oct 22nd 2025, 07:37 AM
Response to Original message |
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
