Unpublishable 2: Shapeshifting space alien monkeys

[Bossy Monkey]

As you might guess from the above, this started as a parody of the works of David Icke, but a little research turned up his extensive neo-Nazi ties. As nothing is a more effective comedy killer than Holocaust denial, I changed my main characters from shapeshifting alien lizards named Bork and Scalia to monkeys. This is just the setup to what would be a novel, or at least a really long picaresque story, if I ever get around to finishing it. Haven't felt a lot like writing humor since 11/2; I'm sure you can relate. The whole thing is done in dialogue, and the DU software's objection to paragraph indents is likely to make it a little tough to read. I apologize in advance and will be grateful if you read it at all, as well as for any comments you might want to make (particularly of the "Unpublishable? Of course it's publishable!" type Sorry, that was just me going all delusional).
Hope you enjoy it:

MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY!

"Hi, I'm Buster!"
"Hi, Buster, I'm Bingo!"
"Welcome to Earth, Bingo. Did you have a safe trip?"
"I guess so. I slept the whole way. Anyway, my tail's still on. Did my ship's stealth jacket work?"
"Looks that way. At least nobody shot at you on the way down. And no one's here to arrest us, so I figure it must've worked perfectly."
"Where's here?"
"Texas. We're about 50 miles from the city of Houston. The Monkey Masters set me down here a couple months ago, so they figured I'd be able to help you get your bearings if they sent you here, too."
"Will my ship be safe?"
"Sure. See mine right over there? Nobody's bothered it. Heck, nobody can even see it except another Monkeyoni, and they've got their own."
"Ok, Buster, I'll take your word for it."
"Well that's good to hear. So, are you hungry?"
"You have no ide-- uh, I guess you do at that. Damn straight I'm hungry! I haven't eaten since Monkey Planet. Who's got monkey food?"
"You're an Earthman now. Make the change, and we'll head on down to Houston and see what's for dinner."

"Wow! Great job, Bingo! You look just like a human! Just one thing, though; most people here don't have purple hair. Maybe you should just stick with the brown."
"Okee! Hang on half a sec-- There you go."
"Perfect! You look more human than the humans do!"
"Thank you very much. Now where's the eats?"
"Hop in the car and we'll be there in two shakes."
"You bet! What kind of car is this?"
"BMW Z3 convertible. I think they call the color electric blue or something like that. There's a zillion of 'em on the road. I figured it would be sporty and fun enough for us without standing out too much. Monkey Master Boonky Boo told me not to be too conspicuous."
"Yeah, he told me that, too. So what's Houston like?"
"Oh, you'll love it! It's hot, humid, stinky and crowded! It's perfect! Just like Monkey Planet!"
"Neat! So Where's dinner?"
"That's a surprise! It's a new place. I've never been there, but I'm pretty sure you'll love it!"
"Great!"

"Hi I'm Bucky Ray, welcome to GW Bush's All Hat No Cattle Steakhouse. You'll love our compassionate conservative approach to dining.
Cigar smoking section, cigarette smoking section or pipe smoking section?"
"Oh, pipe smoking please."
"Right, I figured you were nancy boys."
"What?"
"Oh nothing. Right this way...
"Now have you two fellas ever been to All Hat No Cattle before?"
"No, sir, Bucky Ray. I'm new to this planet-- I mean town."
"Well listen up; here's the deal: Your server, Pranav, is actually in India. We found it was just more economical that way. You place your order on your cell phone, using the toll-free number provided..."
"Uh, Bucky Ray? We don't have a cell phone."
"Pipe-smokers who don't have a cell phone! Who didn't see that coming? Well my friends, for a nominal charge All Hat No Cattle will provide patrons with a cell phone. Now ain't that nice of us? Don't answer that.
"OK, as I was saying, here's the deal: there will be no charge for your meal at All Hat No Cattle, provided that you can prove that you can afford to pay for it. If you can't afford your meal, then of course you have to pay for it. Does that make sense?"
"No! Of course it doesn't make sense. You people must be insane!"
"Now watch yourself, buddy. You're asking for a ticket to the Free Speech section."
"That sounds good! Where's the Free Speech section?"
"The parking lot. Get your asses out of here. We don't like your kind around here, what with your no cell phones and your pipe smoking and your thinking and stuff. Beat it!"
"What's pipe smoking?"
"Shhhh. Let's go."

"Well that didn't go too well, and I'm MONKEY HUNGRY now."
"Aw, who wants to eat at a steakhouse with no cattle anyway? Let's try this next place; I bet it'll be great!

"Achtung! Velcome to JD McHitler's Kraut Haus und Bier Halle: All rules, all right! I am Helga. Vill you be sitting in zee racially pure section or in zee Arbeit Macht Frei section?"
"Oh, racially pure all the way!"
"Excellent. Follow me. Macht schnell!
"So. Vill you be taking advantage of our Beerhall Putsch happy hour? Half price on all German beers, and you can beat up all the socialists and communists you can find?"
"Ah, thanks, Helga, but I think we'd just like to look at some menus, please."
"Hokay. Just remember: if you special order anything at JD McHitler's, VEE WILL MAKE YOU PAY!"
"Yes, ma'am. We won't. We promise."
"I check back with you in 3.5 minutes exactly. You vill be ready then, ja?"
"Ja, ooh, I mean, yes ma'am!"
"Hey, Buster, why do you think this switch here says 'Lithonia' on it?"
"Hush up, Bingo. Focus on the menu or Helga's going to bust us up."
"Ok, I was just wondering. I wonder what a Hermann Goering Special is?"

"Hey Helga, if I flip this switch, will the whole place turn into Lithonia?"
"I like your zense of humor--"
"Sense of humor?"
"-- but if you touch zee svitch of lighting, I must your arm be breaking. Now, may I be taking your requests for food?"
"Bingo! Stop that sniffing! That's rude!"
"I... smell... TAIL!"
"VOT?!"
"Bingo! Chill your monkey brains! You're making a spectacle of yourself!"
"MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY! I smell MONKEY TAIL!"
"VOT? Vot ist monkey tail?!"
"Er, excuse my friend, Helga. He doesn't get out much, so he really doesn't know how to behave in public--"
"MONKEY TAIL! MONKEY TAIL!"
"-- so we'll just be going. It vuz, I mean was, so nice meeting you--"
"Damn straight you'll be going! Get your monkey tail asses out of here before I have to kick 'em out!"

"Hmm, I wonder what happened to Helga's accent?"
"Monkey tail!"
"Yeah, nice going Mr. 'I'm Monkey Hungry!' Listen, Bingo, there are some other Monkeyonis on this planet. A bunch of us are in Houston, cuz, well, cuz we don't stand out so much here. You just have to learn to stay frosty when you smell tail. Understand?"
"Monkey tail."
"Understand?!"
"Ok, Buster. I'm sorry. I'll try harder next time."
"If you stay frosty, you can always find the other Monkeyoni and have a little chat. He might even have a message for you from Boonky Boo or the other Monkey Masters."
"Monkey tail."
"Are you listening to me?!"
"Yessir. Where do we eat now? I'm still monkey hungry!"
"It's pretty late now. I guess we'll have to try the drive-through at Assburgers. You'll love it!"

"Assburgers is great! I don't know why it isn't more popular..."
"Can I hake ore order peeze?"
"Watch this... YES, WE'D LIKE TWO BIGASSBURGER-WITH-CHEESE COMBOS, SUPERSIZED."
"WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRINK WITH THAT?"
"COKE, PLEASE... Monkeys need caffeine, right Bingo?"
"My furry butt, Buster."
"WILL THAT BE ALL?"
"YES, THANK YOU!"
"PLEASE DRIVE AROUND TO THE WINDOW!"
"OK!"

"THAT'LL BE $10.!"
"HERE YA GO!"
"OK, HAVE A NICE EVENING!"
"THANKS! YOU TOO!"
"That was fun! Here, enjoy your Bigassburger."
"Mmm, thanks!"

"Wow, Assburgers was great, Buster! We should eat there every day!"
"Well, we will if you keep getting us thrown out of restaurants."
"Sorry, Buster, I'll try to learn to contain myself... So what's our mission?"
"Mission?
"Yeah, what are we doing here?"
"Uh, Bingo?"
"Uh-huh?"
"How did you do in monkey school?"
"I uh, I did gr--, uh, I was voted Most Likely to Be an Organ Grinder's Monkey."
"Exactly! I flunked out of three schools until they diagnosed my Monkey Attention Surfeit and Hypoactivity Disorder. They treated it, sure, but I couldn't ever catch up.
"Bingo, we aren't on a mission. We're on-- I think you would say we're on probation."
"Pro-bay-sh--"
"Ok, I'D say we're on probation. You'd say we had to stay after school."
"Ohhhhh."
"If we do ok, we might get some kind of mission. But if we mess up, we're going to be in serious trouble. And that's why it isn't a good idea to run around yelling 'Monkey tail!' the first time you run into another Monkeyoni."
"Monkey tail."
"No yelling 'monkey tail.' Not unless you want to get to know some organ grinder real well."
"OK Buster. But what are we supposed to do? All Master Boonky Boo told me was to lay low, keep my tail down, and try to stay out of trouble. Did he tell you any more than that?"
"Not a lot. But the scuttlebutt around Monkey Town was that the Monkey Masters were trying to decide whether the Earth is worth invading. So I figure we're supposed to keep our eyes open, find out all we can, and report back everything we find out."
"Sounds like fun! Let's do it, Secret Agent Buster!"

"So Buster-- if there's all these Monkeyonis around Houston, how can we be sure that we aren't already planning an invasion here?"
"You must be kidding. What kind of idiot would try to plot a world conquest from Houston?"
"Hey, I'm new here. I'll take your word for it; you might as well be speaking Shpeepoopoo for all that meant to me, though."
"You're just tired from the trip. We'd better hit the motel. Sorry they don't have bunk beds, like back home. But it's great! You'll love it!"
"Yay! What's a motel?"

"Bingo, did you watch cable tv all night?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Monkey poo, Bingo, shouldn't you be sleeping?"
"Bogof, Buster, I've been sleeping since Monkey Planet! I probably won't be sleepy again for months."
"Well all right. Did you at least learn anything about this planet?"
"All I learned was that they sure are sick. They ought to be easy to invade. They have active live infections, wounds that don't heal, skin cancer, anaphylactic shock, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, acid reflux disease, allergies, social anxiety disorder, arthritis, macular degeneration, fatigue, weakness from chemotherapy, dental pain, adult ADHD, thinning hair, Alzheimer's disease, poor blood circulation in their legs, and erections that last four hours plus."
"That last one doesn't sound so bad."
"Yeah, I saw four different-- I think they call them late night comedians-- say exactly the same thing."
"Anything else?"
"Yeah, but it's just weird. Apparently some of them aren't fat enough to take super-powerful diet pills."
"Hmmmm. Weird. OK Bingo, let me explain to you the OTHER rules."
"Other rules?"
"Yeah, the other rules besides not yelling out 'Monkey Tail!'"
"Monkey tail!"
"Shut up about monkey tail. The rules are short, succinct and direct. They are as follows: 1) No whacking off in public--"
"Aw monkey!"
"Shut up. And 2)No poo flinging."
"But Buster, those are the only things that make a Monkeyoni's life worth living!"
"Oh poodle gizzards, they are not! You can have lots of fun without flinging poo and jacking off in the street. Also, if you try either of these things, they put you in jail here. That takes a lot of the fun out of life, too. You'll get used to it. It's the life of a secret agent, Bingo."
"I... guess...
"So who's in charge here? Maybe if we can figure that out, we can go back to living like monkeys."
"I don't know, Bingo. I haven't been here that long myself. I've heard of this thing where you can look things up called the Internet. Maybe we can find out there."
"Cool. Where do you find this Internet?"
"I think there's a connection right here in this room. Hmm, it says it's so simple an idiot can use it."
"Me! Me!"
"Hey, whose monkey trust fund's paying for this room? I'LL figure out how to get on the Internet."

"Hello, room service?"
"Yes, sir."
"This is room 127. I can't figure out how to get on the Internet."
"Do you have an idiot in the room?"
"Well as a matter of fact, I do."
"Didn't you read the directions? Let the idiot do it."
"Oh, ok. I thought that was just a slogan. I didn't realize that it was the instructions. OK, sorry to bother you. Thanks.
"Looks like you're up, Bingo!"
"Yaaaay!"

"Okay, see, I'm hooked to this search engine, and I've asked it who rules the world. Monkey poop! That's a lot of hits!"
"What's it say, Bingo?"
"Umm, there's a lot of them. There's masons and Bilderbergers and Illuminati and a Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. And there's this guy who thinks that shape-shifting space aliens are in charge of everything."
"Wow, crazy!"
"Don't cha think? And there's these guys called Tears for Fears, but I'm not quite sure where they fit in.
"Sooo, what do we do about it?"
"Well, Bingo... We're secret agents, and they rule the world. I guess we have to go find out about them."
"Yaaay! Sounds like fun!"
"Well, we have the room for another day and I'm getting hungry, so I think I'll go get some more Assburgers. Do you want to go, or would you rather stay and watch tv or something!"
"Oooh, TV! TV!"

"Hey Bingo, I got the Assburgers."
"Yay! Assburgers! Assburgers!"
"Was there anything good on tv?"
"Aw Buster, you just missed it. They called it a reality show. These earthlings sure lead interesting lives. Ten people played poker while solving cold case files from a major metropolitan police department and renovating a house, all while competing to be the assistant to something called a celebrity and getting makeovers and plastic surgery! There was a creepy man and woman to tell us all about it."
"Wow, that sounds pretty wild. So what's on now?"
"It's called Scare-Shitless News. Just some people yelling all the time about terror alerts, hurricanes, murders and stuff. I can't figure it out."
"Well, switch it off and come eat your burger."

[Wetzelbill]

1. Assburgers! Brilliant!

I'll actually read it later. I'm trying to be the first poster. Which I know I won't be.

[Wetzelbill]

2. yes! I did it!

[Bossy Monkey]

7. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Are you quick or what?

Lemme know if you actually get around to reading it. I look forward to your opinion.

[Democracy White]

3. Very humorous

I actually liked it. It would be good in a politically slanted mag or something.

Dee

[Bossy Monkey]

6. Thanks! Wish I could figure what that politically slanted mag would be

Been racking my brain for much of a year now, but nothing comes up. Every magazine says they buy humor but nobody ever seems to print any.

Thanks regardless for reading it and sharing your opinion.

[havocmom]

4. OK, I've had 3 glasses of wine, which is 2 over my usual...

All the " """ made me dizzy. Will try again tomorrow... really]/i

see, to;ld ya I was over my limit

[Bossy Monkey]

9. Not a problem. Whenever you're ready; wouldn't want to make you dizzy

Of course the prose stylings might do that anyway without the wine.:D

[Redstone]

5. I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to be supportive,

but that is irredeemably lame.

Did I mention clumsy? Does the word "contrived" come to mind?

Again, I apologize. But I can't help being honest.

Redstone

[Bossy Monkey]

8. Z'all right. It's what I asked for.

You hated it and really read the whole thing? That shows real commitment (or masochism, I don't know which). Thanks regardless, and don't worry about it. If it were the next Great Gatsby, somebody would have mentioned it eight months ago.

[Redstone]

12. Commenting without reading the whole thing would have been

dishonest. I'll have arguments with you, and be critical of your writing, but the one thing I'll never do is be dishonest with you.

You deserve respect for trying, and part of the respect you deserve is honesty. If people are honestly critical of your work, it may spur you to improvement, and some day I may be able to say (at least to myself), that I knew you back when...

Redstone

[WhiteTara]

10. okay, I tried but really, it was boring

and definitely lame. :shrug:

[Bossy Monkey]

11. Thanks for trying nt

[WhiteTara]

13. you're welcome and sorry

[oneighty]

14. Well I think it to be appropriate and funny

as well as interesting commentary on the shallowness that we as a nation are "by monkey's ass" (to coin a phrase) I say.

But then I did not get the nickname '180' by being agreeable. My thoughts are often 180 degrees out from those of other deep stinkers errr thinkers. See now? It is all about me. As it should be.

An interesting thing concerning this masterful parody is that it is written in your section of monkey-land. Eep eep eep.

Now if you excuse me I think I will go smell some tail.

Well done Undisclosed.

180

[Bossy Monkey]

16. Thank you sir I'd like another!

Thanks much, Ed.

[JitterbugPerfume]

15. I thought it was

monkey funny

now quit sling POO and eat your Assburger like a good little monkey


PS--the truth lies between the lines

[Bossy Monkey]

17. Between the lines? Am I getting subtle in my old age? Perish the thought!

Thanks so much. In all seriousness, I very much appreciate the praise.

[Pharlo]

18. In my opinion,

I think that with selective editing and fleshing out, you have the beginnings of a good social/political satire. In its current state, I do not believe it is publishable - but, I may be wrong.

I think that you attempted to put too much into too little space with inadequate transitions - and that is possibly why Redstone felt it was 'clumsy' and 'contrived'. Although you discussed the issue of paragraph indentations prior to the text of the story, for myself, I felt the constant dialogue was too 'busy'. As a reader, by the end of the second section of dialogue, I was ready for a non conversational 'break' (this may also help with the awkward transitions).

I read the story twice - about a week between each reading, and I liked where you were going with Bingo and Buster. If this were my draft, I would concentrate on transitions between dialogues, giving the reader non dialogue breaks, bringing the 'mission' into focus earlier and fleshing it out more throughout all the scenes. Also, with a satire, I'd have a field day with names and acronyms. (For example, you've created inept characters/creatures having difficulty dealing with everyday reality and from a simian culture and Bush World didn't come to mind - ruled by PNAC: Primate Network Authority and Command.) (Rough, but then they're just examples.)

These are the types of things I would look at if this were my work and I were editing it.

[Bossy Monkey]

19. Thanks for your thoughts. I'm not sure I can save the piece, but that

isn't really a reflection on either me or the story. Rather the problem is more with why I wrote it and when. I was just trying to cheer myself up at a time when the world seemed to be going the rest of the way to hell in a handbasket, as it wound up doing in early November. I'm not sure that I can really rework the piece now. However, I might try to reframe it as a radio play and send it to Ira Glass just for fun. Not really their kind of thing, but the number of outlets for radio plays at this point is roughly him and Garrison Keillor, and I think it would be even less suitable for the latter. All the same, thank you for your very helpful suggestions and even moreso for the careful reading (twice even!) that you gave it. Rest assured that your ideas will be given the very most serious consideration.

[Dogmudgeon]

20. Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.

You gave it a shot and risked our collective displeasure. You dared this little pantheon of local Internet gods and the smile is still on your mortal face. Bravo! Because comedy also requires guts, so you already have the tough part licked.

If you stop work on the piece, put it away and read it again in a few months. The problems will jump out at you. It will become a lode of gems in a matrix of coprolith. It really will.

But by all means keep writing humor (if you want to). Most humor/comedy today is so god-damnably awful that people are even praising David Sedaris. I write humor, and mine is still so fucking bad that I haven't posted a piece for group flagellation.

Nine stars out of ten, mostly for guts. Keep slugging -- Zeus is a complete wimp, and my own humor writing sucks worse than Scylla. Or Charybdis. Yeah, one of them.

--p!
Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a book.
But a book will never steal your girl and sell you out to the Mob.