My Unsolicited Advice

[phylny]

I'm a speech-language pathologist and I work in Early Intervention with kids who have delayed language and various other disabilities. In the past three or four years, I have noticed a pattern in families I work with - things that many families do that they have in common. These kinds of things might just be happening with more young families (ones I don't see), and I wanted to share my unsolicited advice regarding the things that I see that are counter to good development. I'm warning you, I know it's unsolicited :)

1) Learn how to discipline, and use discipline consistently. Please understand that the word derived from the Latin root disciplina, meaning "learning." I'm not advocating hitting or screaming, but disciplining. I think one of the best gifts we as parents can give our children is self-control. I had three babies who turned into toddlers who turned into preschoolers, then young children, and are now teens. We had clear, consistent, fair rules in our house, never had to raise a hand to our kids, and helped them understand what behavior we expected by repetition of expectations and praise. It wasn't all smooth sailing, but for the most part, it worked. So far, so good. I am amazed at the number of children I see (and this isn't just the children I see professionally) who have mastered the art of having a tantrum when they don't get their way - all because mom and dad give in so their child isn't "distressed." If you don't know how to parent, if things are out of control at your house, ask a friend, ask a neighbor, go to classes. In addition....

2) Moms and Dads, don't allow your child to hit you, bully you, scream at you, pull at you. You are the parent, and this behavior is not acceptable, nor is it appropriate. When I taught preschool, there was a very bright little boy in my class who used to hit his mother every time she picked him up from school. This kid loved school, so I was puzzled as to why he was so hostile. She would plead, "Oh Mikey, don't hit Mommy!" and look helpless and pitiful as he hit her again. He knew there were no consequences for his behavior, and soon after the younger brother started hitting Mom as well. It wasn't pretty. Develop a backbone.

3) Create a schedule when your baby is able to follow one, and keep to it. Bedtime for little children is not 11 p.m. That gives you as a parent no time to do things for yourself. Write a schedule down if you must, but consistency is your friend.

4) Turn off the television set! Limit what your child can see, and the number of hours your child watches television. I know that it's tempting to stick them in front of the TV when you have to clean/cook/decompress, but the less television, the better your child will be. This goes for video games as well. Why do five-year-old kids have video games anyway? And another thing....

5) Keep the television OUT of your child's room. I'm amazed at how many houses I go to where children have unfettered access to a television - and MANY have them in their rooms. What's the purpose of this and who thought it was a good idea?

6) Choose toys carefully. Take a quick mental inventory of the toys you've bought your child. How many of them consist of "push a button and sit back and be entertained"? Many of these are called "learning" toys, so look carefully. In homes I've been in, and in some classrooms, the vast majority of toys allowed the child to be passive except for pushing buttons or moving levers. I had one autism classroom purge their shelves of these toys because it allowed those children to sit by themselves, avoid contact with others, and watch flashing lights while listening to little tunes. Not good for anyone. Choose toys where children need to use BOTH hands at the same time to manipulate them, building toys, Legos, trucks, pretend toys, toys where they need to use imagination and invention. Variety is good. Children who will ONLY play with one kind of toy cause my radar to go off.

7) Make sure nursery rhymes are a part of your child's day. Rhyming skills are pre-reading skills, and it will help them once they enter Kindergarten. When reading a nursery rhyme, and your child is old enough to talk, have THEM finish the rhyme: "Hickory Dickory Dock, the mouse ran up the...." "CLOCK!"

8) It goes without saying - read! Read, point to pictures, make up your own silly stories.

9) If your child exhibits behavior that looks like it's not typical n(you see other kids in playgroups, in your own family, at the store), ask the pediatrician about it, but don't stop there. Find professionals who can help you when your child is young. Earlier is better.

Since I work with a special needs population, I am aware of how difficult it is for some special needs children to exercise self-control, to learn, etc. But the vast majority of our children are typically developing. Most of this advice is for them; however, I've seen even significantly impaired childrens' behavior improve by using strategies to help them. In the end, they're happy and everyone around them is happier when behavior improves.

Okay. Advice over. Thanks for listening.

[John Q. Citizen]

1. Though unsolicited, it's still very good advice N/T

[SW FL Dem]

2. I agree - I have tried to do the same

so far it's working, I have a wonderful, loving, respectful teenage boy who is also a liberal Dem.

[John Q. Citizen]

3. Allright...

I've tried to do the same also. I've got a boy 5 and two girls 8 and 10.

They are all sweethearts almost all the time.

I've had so many of their friends parents tell me how much they love having my kid(s) over at their house. One parent tells me she like that my middle daughter sets a good example for her daughter.

Their teachers all tell me they relate and play very nicely. Consistency and setting the expectations you desire are the keys I think.

My biggest remaining challenge (at this point in time) is room cleaning. The reason it's still a challenge is I didn't start setting the ground work on that until late, so now my work is a little bit harder, but it's coming along.

[SW FL Dem]

5. Same here - My son is welcome and appreciated at his friends'

homes. I always get compliments on his behavior. He is never a problem at school, I get nothing but praise from his teachers.

Room cleaning is an entirely different issue! My Dad always said that one of the most important things you can learn in life is to pick your battles. My son is almost 14 and each year, he takes on more responsibility around the house. Now, he is expected to declutter, vacuum and dust his room and to clean his bathroom every weekend. He grumbles but he does it. During the week, I have better things to do than to fret over whether his bed is made and the clothes are off the floor.

[Ellen Forradalom]

4. You sound like just the person I need

to help my raise my son. Will you work for room and board?

[phylny]

6. Heh, unfortunately

I'm in CHARGE of the room and board right here :)

[Ellen Forradalom]

7. By the above criteria

I veer wildy between shitty mom and good mom. For example, today my 5 year old played Bugdom for a hour and half while I took a much-needed nap. Bad Mom. Then we baked and decorated a cake from scratch together. Good Mom. And so on.

[phylny]

8. I would never call someone a "bad" parent

for the things that I discussed. I just see so many kids zonked out with no imagination and no manners, that I shared observations.

[Ellen Forradalom]

10. All things in moderation

and choose your battles well. Cliches, but words to live by.

[phylny]

11. What battles are you talking about? n/t

[Ellen Forradalom]

14. The usual horn-locking that occurs between parent and child

Hand washing, room cleaning, get dressed, get in your bath, stuff like that. You have to figure out where you can let things slide and where you draw the line, because mounting a full-on battle over every little thing is counterproductive.

[phylny]

16. OK, I understand your point now, thanks! n/t

[wildeyed]

9. That's me, too.

I have great aspirations for my parenting, but on some days I just don't live up to standards.

[Fleshdancer]

13. naps don't count

I gave myself a momma loophole...if my daughter watched TV because I was taking a nap or a much needed bubble bath or any other form of mommy "time out", then it was okay. An hour and a half of playing Bugdom or watching a movie is far better for a child than having a cranky parent for the next 6 hours.

IMO, sanity savers are exempt.

[Fleshdancer]

12. we seem to share a lot of the same beliefs

the only problem I've had is with bedtime on the weekends. I don't do it on purpose, but on Friday and Saturday nights I don't realize how fast the time passes. One moment we're all eating dinner, the next moment I look up and it's already 10pm and my daughter is still playing. Odd.

The toy thing was MUCH easier when my daughter was a baby/toddler. She'll be five next month and she's starting to get upset about my toy veto powers. The trick is to not go to the toystore very often and to not let her watch Nickelodeon or the Cartoon Network...the commercials are EVIL. Now, the only TV she watches is a show or two on PBS after school or a video. Life is much easier now because of it. I still have to strongly veto Bratz dolls though...they look like prostitutes to me and I just won't go there.

[Ellen Forradalom]

15. My son prefers Discovery Channel to Cartoon Network

so we don't get too much pleading for toys. However, I expect it to catch up to me in adolescence when he starts asking for a motorcycle :-)

[elehhhhna]

17. Q about speech pathology--

We have an 11 y/o neighbor who speaks like he's 4-- doesn't say his R's, L's--he has a good vocab. and gets very good grades, and his schoool speech therapist says he CAN speak properly and just won't--and that peer pressure will fix that when he hits 6th grade. (Yeah--peer pressure (teasing?) is an excellent teaching tool--NOT).

The parents understand this boy and never correct his speech. He does pronounce things properly if he's putting on a accent (Texas or bad try at British), which is weird, and something we just noticed.

DOes it make sense to you that his speech pattern (he's 11 so they're pretty well established) are the result of letting him babytalk? My kids both spoke that way when they wre learing to talk. This boy's spoiled by material things but NOT attention. Opinion?

[phylny]

24. No, he most likely has

an articulation disorder and is unable to properly pronounce l's and r's when he's not thinking hard about it. It's possible that when he's concentrating to produce a fake accent, that he's actually concentrating hard enough to correct the articulation errors.

His being allowed to "babytalk" probably has nothing to do with it. It's not unusual for children who are just learning to talk to mispronounce some sounds. In fact, the sounds /s/, /r/, and /l/ are the latest developing sounds (most children master them by age 8).

[rbnyc]

18. Great post--but, regarding # 6...

My son will be 6 months old next week. Most of his toys are teething toys and stuffed animals, and cloth books that you can read and eat. ;-)

And most of his waking time is spent either eating or interacting with mommy, daddy, grandma, or grandpa. He doesn't sit with toys very often. He's really just too little.

However, he does have a couple toys like you describe. He has a "see & learn" piano where he hits buttons and hears notes, tunes or phrases. He has a hop-n-pop where he jumps or presses levers to get lights and music.

He's too little for blocks and building toys and other good toys that you describe. And I do see some value in the "lights and music" toys that he does play with now. He has really enjoyed discovering that it's his jumping that makes the music and lights come on and that it's his hitting the piano key that makes the note come out.

Jumping and hitting big buttons and reaching and grabbing is about all he can do right now. And while we don't leave him in the hop in pop for very long, or sit him in front of his piano for more than a few minutes here and there, I think these toys have been helpful in his discovery that he can make things happen.

I just wonder how rigid you are about point #6.

EDIT: typo

[elehhhhna]

19. Mom of 2 here--he's fine! He's great! Perfect!

Everything he does from untying your shoes to banging a spoon on a pan is wonderful and exciting! Even his feet are fun for him! He's not too young for blocks--knocking over & rebuilding block-piles is a gas!

You are so lucky. Enjoy it. It flies by soooooooooo fast.

[rbnyc]

20. I guess I'm talking legos and chokables.

Boy are you right about his feet tho! And of course, what he loves most is to eat them!

:)

[phylny]

26. He's way too young for Legos

but soon, he'll be just the right age for Duplos (if they still make that size). It'd be pretty hard to choke on a Duplo, unless a kid falls on it :)

My children all played with Duplos from the time they were about 15 - 18 mohths - building, dismantling, building again, pushing, pulling. Duplos (and when they're older, Legos) are wonderful "pre-math" toys. They help develop fine motor skills (never underestimate the ability to use both hands at the same time), problem-solving skills, and of course, the all important imagination.

My kids are teens now, and they all excel at math. And they are - can you believe it - GIRLS who are good at math and science ;)

[wildeyed]

21. I am not a child development specialist, just a mom.

My theory on child rearing, everything in moderation. As long as TV and flashy lights aren't the main part of his day, it doesn't seem to me to be a huge problem.

My kids are older and are able to play for long periods of time. We have some flashy light toys and an electric toy piano. They play with these toys for a day or two, then move on. Since Christmas, the favorite toy is the Brio train set. Then combine building tracks with houses and tunnels of building blocks. My daughter draws houses and streets to add to the set, too. Nary a flashy light to be seen.

TV is more of a challenge for me. They LOVE TV. And it is such an easy cop out to turn it on to get a few minutes to make dinner, clean or just have a sanity break. It is a constant battle with myself to keep the idiot box off.

[rbnyc]

22. Yes, the TV is a challenge.

My husband and I used to struggle from time to time (when very tired especially) to find things to do other than watch TV. Well, what makes you more tired than kids? Now at the end of the day, we're just beat and brain dead.

But we try to only watch things we want to watch, and turn off when the show is over...and not just turn on the TV because it's there to see what's on and flip around all night with no purpose.

:hi:

[wildeyed]

23. I probably watched more TV before I had kids.

Now, after I get the kiddies down, I am so beat, I often crash myself. Plus I have an extensive DU habit to feed......

But I feel really guilty if I let the kids watch more than a show a day. There is an interesting and disturbing study that indicate that TV watching, especially in the 2 and under set, but possibly in the 5 and under set, has a strong correlation with ADD. And it is not just when they watch kiddie shows, it is anytime the TV is on in their vicinity. (I keep meaning to post a separate thread about this. Oh well, brain dead, ya know?). So now the TV is mostly off in our household, at least while the kids are awake. But I hear its siren song.... You can turn me on for the kids and have a nap. Or make dinner. Or post on DU for an hour. So hard to resist sometimes.

I would be fine with getting rid of our TV entirely, but my husband is not on board with that.

:hi:

[phylny]

25. I'm not generally rigid about anything

I just like to make sure children have a variety of toys at their disposal. For me, my kids were born at a time where the miracle of push and entertain wasn't available, and I recall that there were still plenty of toys that they enjoyed.

Part of the reason I included number 6 is that I am dismayed at the number of toys available for children that have all the bells and whistles - very exciting and stimulating - and none of the benefits of having a child learn to entertain himself or herself. In many cases, these toys are overstimulating and I'm really not a big fan of them.

Everything in moderation, I suppose :)

[Citizen Jane]

27. For the holidays this year I bought

only one "toy" with artificial sounds and my daughter (almost 2) is not at all interested.

She did, however, love her wooden musical instruments; wooden food and cutting board; wooden bunny on a ramp, etc. I finally found a couple of places that sold the kinds of toys I want her to play with and she loves them. If anyone is interested, let me know.

Our schedule is the only real deviation from your list. We let her go to bed around 10, get up around 8, and she has a 2.5 hour (average) nap at daycare. This allows us both to maximize our time with her. As long as we keep it consistent, she seems to do well with it. We had to shift it earlier last semester and it worked okay, but she isn't a morning person and this semester is working much better (thank goodness I am teaching afternoon classes).

All in all very sensible guideliines. Thanks!