Having difficulties adjusting to being non custodial parent

[soleft]

In August I moved out of apartment I shared with my ex husband and teenage son. We had shared the apartment for a long while after we were separated, do to space contraints our son never had his own room, we cordoned off a section of the living room that was his "room" but as he got older it just wasn't viable any more.

Due to many factors, i moved out and into a smaller apartment with a roommate and my son was pretty damn happy to finally get his own room.

He stays with me two night a week, and a third night I go over his place and have dinner. But it just doesn't feel like enough for me. I tell myself, when I was his age, even tho I lived with both my parents I didn't spend that much time with them anyway. My quality time with him is probably better than oodles of meaningless passings in the hallways, but I guess I feel like I'm missing too much of that meaningful meaninglessness.

The thing is there's nothing to be done about it right now. He's happy, my ex is happy, my cohabitator is happy, I can't afford a bigger place so the arrangement could change, I just have to live with it.

Anybody else go thru a similar situation? Or just have a rough time being separate from their kids?

[John Q. Citizen]

1. How old is your son and how far away do you live?

Perhaps you can spend another afternoon or weekend day with him, not an overnighter but just some more time.

How do you divide holidays and vacations?

[soleft]

2. We have a pretty good set up for vacations and holidays

He's fifteen and he, after years of being a loner, has a pretty group of friends that he likes to hang out with on weekends. They have a rock band and they get together for rehearsal. Maybe it's just a growing up thing, maybe I'd be feeling this stuff even if we were all in the same abode, just cause he's growing up and he's not a little boy anymore. I miss when he used to come crying to me when he skinned his knee - now he never cries, unless its with laughter at the Daily Show or something.

It just all goes by so quickly.

[John Q. Citizen]

3. Ahh, pre-empty nest syndrome, to give it a silly name...

Well just figure how you can spend a little more time here and there with him. Soon you will be fondly remembering back to when he was fifteen and you spent more time with him.

So it goes...

[soleft]

4. that's exactly what it is, and it's not such a silly name

I wish labeling it made it easier, unfortunately it doesn't, but yes, I will committ to grabbing extra time - maybe if I bribe with a movie, I'd say one that he likes tho we pretty much like the same things - except for Kill Bill

[SW FL Dem]

5. I haven't gone through anything similar but I have a teen son

who is my best friend. I can totally understand how you are feeling. You are right that for your son the meaningful times are what he will remember. My thoughts go out to you, it sounds like you have made a decision that you think is best for your son, even though it isn't best for you.

[rbnyc]

6. You two have a great relationship.

It must be really hard to see things change. But you will always be close. You guys have a lot going for you.

I can relate in that I work full time and Cliff is Garrison's primary caretaker 7am-7pm 5 days a week. That's a lot. I find that I feel powerless to protect my son and I get very strict about the rules I set for him and making sure they're followed while I'm at work-particularly rules about what he's allowed to eat. (He's not even 6 months old and he's been given ice cream! I had a fit!!)

I'm sorry you guys aren't living together anymore. I know it hurts. But you have a great attitude and you and your son will be fine. Think of it as prep for when he goes off to college.

[soleft]

7. I think it's great to let the Dads have a shot at the main caretaking

You're lucky it's Garrison's Dad who's his daytime caregiver, when I went back to work we had caregiver who seemed to do a great job, but I couldn't get to follow any of the rules I tried to lay down. I hard charts (I was really into charts in the beginning) - but she pretty much did what she wanted. Looking back I wish I had been stronger, but again, the bottom line was the kid was happy, thriving and well cared for.

And thanks.