Separation Anxiety--Mine, Not My Kid's!

[Chalco]

My daughter’s 12. I wasn’t prepared for a flood of anxiety at this age any more than I was prepared for sleep deprivation in her early infancy.

Maybe my feelings are just as normal now as they were then.

Recently I took her to a Neopets tournament thinking I’d learn something about Neopets. For those who don’t know what Neopets is, you don’t need to know. After the tournament I still didn’t know what it was.

The tournament was held at Dream Wizards in Rockville. Neither she nor I had been there before so I thought being early would help both of us get oriented. I was wrong. As soon as I crossed the threshold I realized I’d entered another world and that my child was going to leave me.

Ok, maybe the feeling didn’t come on that suddenly but by the end of the tournament a part of me had died.

Dream Wizards’ staff set up the tournament. Twelve kids played the Neopets card game in pairs. Each card carried some meaning. After thirty minutes a winner was declared for each pair. They then paired off with someone else. This repeated itself 5 times.

I sat 5 feet away on a steel folding chair and watched. I watched and listened in order to figure out what exactly Neopets was. My daughter was obsessed with the Neopets website and the game. Here she was with eleven others who felt much the same way. There was something comforting about that. At least she wasn’t alone. During a break I asked her to explain how the game worked. She told me what transpired but I didn’t follow it. The words did not compute.

Rock ‘n Roll had the same effect on my father. After my first year in college several other college kids and I worked in his restaurant in Highlands, North Carolina to earn money for school. One night while cleaning up after closing we played rock music on the record player. My father upon hearing it stormed in, turned off the music and forbade us from playing it again in his restaurant. That was 1967.

Here is was 2005 and I didn’t understand my daughter’s immersion in a game called Neopets. Part of me felt like hauling her out of there much like my father had turned off that record player.

Instead I kept a silent vigil.

I noticed a long table on the other side of the large cavernous store lined with boys to men ages 10 to 45. They yelled, cheered and argued about strategy and rules while moving sculptured objects on a green felt tablecloth. Periodically one of them took out a tape measure and measured distance on the table. Even if I’d been at the table I doubt I would have understood what they were doing.

My daughter played a game I didn’t understand in a roomful of people playing games I didn’t comprehend in a store full of objects, games and puzzles I’d never seen before. I felt her slipping away.

In a way it felt similar to the day I brought my daughter home from the hospital. The moment I put her in her crib I felt her separateness. But, at a few days old I had complete control over every input into her being. Here in 2005 I still saw her as separate but felt that I had lost control of what she was into.

I started imagining her in the future driving a car or being a passenger in a car driven by some other young person. I saw her going off to college, getting married and giving birth to her own child. With each successive image she moved further and further away from me. She was still tied to me but the width of the string got thinner and thinner as respect for her need for space grew bigger and bigger.

Awareness of her need for space did nothing to quell my anxiety, however. I told myself to take a deep breath. Meditate. Breathe in, breathe out. Let go.

The next morning she sat in my lap. Whew!

[wildeyed]

1. What a lovely post.

You should save it, show it to your daughter when she is an adult.

My kids are still so little. They need me almost every moment of the day. I can't imagine them being 12 and competing at a game I didn't even understand. But I guess that day will be here sooner than I know.

[Chalco]

2. Thank you!

This time period has been really scary. She got her period last week. For the 2 weeks before it started she was in a very dark mood. I didn't know what was happening. She's always been a sunny kind of kid so when the mood became dark I got concerned. It was like she was going deeper and deeper into something, then, wham the period came and she lightened up again.

What's next?

[wildeyed]

3. Ack! PMS.

Well I have toddlers and it is like they are *always* on some type of hormone binge.

The "teen years" scare me. I was a troubled youth and did things that could have got me killed on a weekly basis. But at the time I felt invincible and could not understand why everyone was so freaked out by my behavior. I hope my kids don't make the same decisions I made. But it is scary to think about.

Your daughter sounds like a nice kid. Hopefully there will just be some normal hormonal ups and downs for the next few years, then back to the regularly scheduled program.

[Frogtutor]

4. Your worries seem pretty normal; I used to be a basket case!

I guess I've always had anxiety problems, but they didn't become prevalent until after my son was born. I was EXTREMELY paranoid about almost everything that was outside of my control. I hated to let him go over to friends' houses, or be outside unattended. He was pretty big before I even let him spend the night with my mom! I still don't like for him to go places with my mom because her driving scares me! He's twelve now, and I only let him start going with his dad overnight camping (without me) this past year. I just feel like he's safer if I'm there...it really pisses my husband off. About five years ago I finally went to a doctor and got diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and I take Paxil now. It has helped me SO much; it's incredible.

I think I would have gone off the deep end by now without help!