Newbie parenting advice needed, for 17 year-old

[Robb]

A little help. :)

I've only been in the picture here for a little more than a year and a half, with mom and the 17 year-old daughter living under my roof. Right now I'm sick as a dog.

I was watching television and sipping tea when one of the 17 year-old's girlfriends came over. I got up, fed them dinner, talked a little, then they went into her room and I returned to the TV and tea routine.

About two hours later there's a lot of giggling, one of them absolutely staggers out and heads for the car. The daughter follows, doesn't appear intoxicated, but uncharacteristically ignores me and heads to the car. I go out, they pull off.

We live in a small town, I'm pretty sure they were headed to drop the visiting girl off at home. Mom's at work until 11 tonight; what's my move when the daughter returns? I'm definitely going to say something, but should I go beyond "Wait till your mom gets home?" :shrug:

[Tab]

1. I might suggest

since she's 17 and you've only been together not that long (meaning, mom's the primary disciplinarian) that you not say anything to the daughter, but when her mother comes home, you talk to her mother (your girlfriend, I assume), figure out how you want to approach it, and then the two of you together approach the daughter.

I say this for the following reasons:

1) Being 17, she may not have accepted you as a valid authority figure (otherwise you wouldn't be saying "wait until your mom gets home).

2) I don't think saying "wait until your mom gets home" really gets you anywhere. When her mom gets home and you talk and confront her, it's obvious she'll know you provided the details.

3) Talking with her mother first lets you figure out a game plan and to take a consistent approach. I don't know anything about the family, but if your approach is negative, and her mom doesn't care, that puts you in a poor strategic position as a failed authority figure.

4) Approaching her together with a consistent and agreed upon position shows her that you two are working together and ensures she can't play one of you off the other, and that each of you (you and her mom) speak as one.

- Tab

p.s.: If the friend was "staggering", then I hope to hell it was your daughter that was driving. If not, then you also need to talk about why your daughter would get in a car with someone who can't even walk.

[SoCalDem]

2. What I would do..

I would say NOTHING to the daughter.
I would mention to Mom that the friend appeared intoxicated when she left the house.

Let Mom find the booze stash in the kid's room, or have the talk with her..

If it even appears that YOU are the one who "ratted her out", you are in for a rough ride..

If the girl is a high school senior, there is a good chance that she will be flying the coop soon, and there's little that YOU can bring to the table this late in the game.. She's RAISED , for the most part,...

If you stay out of the "mix", she may even confide in you on her own, and once asked for information, you could be in a position to provide some guidance..But only if she asks for it..

[Tab]

3. My note:

If this happened within two hours, I doubt it's booze (unless the friend was half-toasted when she arrived). Drugs would give you that effect quicker.

[Ms. Toad]

4. No one staggering leaves my house behind the wheel.

I've lost too many loved ones to inebriated drivers.

In the future - if the driver appears inebriated (whether it's alcohol or drugs is irrelevant), insist on driving (or call a taxi/friend if you're too ill) - no questions asked. Discussion and consequences can be dealt with later - as other posters have suggested - by mom.

(Edited to add: Mom of 15 year old)